Friday, July 31, 2009

John Hodgman Saves the US

In one five minute segment, John Hodgman solves the health care crisis, the housing crisis and fixes the economy. Enjoy.

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Friday, July 24, 2009

Quotes for the Week #32

"Roger, shut up! The truth is, you're nothing but a worthless sack of fat-ass. You're lazy, you're a chubbo, you lie, you cheat, you eat all our food, you're a drunk, you never wash your wigs, but you strut around like you're Mary Queen of Scots, Brangelina and Jesus all rolled into one. Well you're not. You're a big fat nothing!" - Stan Smith

"The octo-mom says she thinks there's a ghost in her house because she heard a voice say 'mommy'. Of course, as it turns out, it was just the wind whistling through her uterus." - Conan O'Brien

"For the last two decades, the collective imprint the Royals have left on the All-Star Game is comparable to the impact that Northern Ireland has had on the development of reggae." - Will McDonald

"The stimulus money... actually, I will tell you, I'm not supposed to call it stimulus. The message experts in Washington have told us that we're supposed to call it the 'recovery plan', that that works out better with focus groups. I was puzzled by that because I've found most people would rather be stimulated than recovered." - Rep. Barney Frank

"In New York state, a woman accidentally shot herself in the leg at a Taco Bell. Doctors say the bullet went through the woman almost as fast as her meal." - Conan O'Brien

"Kid Rock is coming out with his own brand of beer and it's called 'American Badass'. Apparently, it's delicious... provided you like the taste of ass that's gone bad." - Conan O'Brien

"Oh, that's adorable. You have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche." - Denise ("Jo")

"Listen. Why don't we just leave that position vacant. Truth be told, I think I thrive under lack of accountability." - Michael Scott

"G-Force, it's a 3-D movie. It's one of the most anticipated talking guinea pig movies of the last two years. I train guinea pigs (...) how to do special ops for the government. It's just like the off-Broadway play. And it's fun (...) Well, G-Force is the sequel to The Hangover." - Zach Galifianakis

"It's a boobies picture, Kenneth. And I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction." - Liz Lemon

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Schrute-ism #6

There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Quotes for the Week #31

"You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident... I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed 'I am God' during a deposition... and I may have sodomized our former vice president while under the influence of some weapons grade narcotics. It feels good to say that out loud actually, that one was weighing on me." - Jack Donaghey

"That's just good business. I have photos with a lot of people; the Dalai Lama, Rabbi Yosef, Toby Keith." - Jack Donaghey

"You thought the opposite of 'stupid loser' was 'community college graduate'?" - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"You're asking me to keep a secret? Well, I am sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. Secret keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous ticks than a Lyme disease research facility." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"This is like a spring day back in Minnesota, if it weren't for all the taxis and skyscrapers and non-white people." - Marshall Eriksen

"I see it every year... I mean, some clown runs for office, drops out of the race and gets a big chunk of dough. I mean, you have to be a real, low-life piece of shit to get involved in politics." - Frank Reynolds

"We have to convince this guy that we're a legitimate threat to his campaign. There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both." - Frank Reynolds (to his daughter)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Quotes for the Week #30

"Listen, It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit. There's only one thing we know for sure... it's a god damned gold mine." - Frank Reynolds

"Well, I'll tell you Jim, I was in the back office and I just finished praying on my rosaries, and I was doing some crunches, you know, working on my abs, and that's when I saw it. I thought to myself, that is definitely the mother of our lord. So... if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer, come on down to Paddy's Pub... we got 'em both." - Dennis Reynolds

"It's porn. You know, without the violation, it's just a really boring documentary about pizza boys and housewives." - Det. Eric Delahoy

"You know, I'm given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"There's only three things you'll ever see me fight - a stubborn clasp of a bra, sexual harassment charges... nine for nine, and the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit." - Barney Stinson

"This just in: the job market still sucks." - Mark Haines

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Quotes for the Week #29

"Last night was one of the greatest nights of my whole life. I used to live like this, in squalor, in filth, always trying to get over on people, scamming my way through situations. I want to live like you again, Charlie. I want to be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless. This is the change I've been looking for. I want to move in with you." - Frank Reynolds

"The lady will be having the tasting menu, but with some substitutions. Instead of... any of it, she'll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes." - Jack Donaghey

"What if this experience hasn't changed me. Maybe everything I was feeling for Elisa was just neediness. I mean, can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?" - Jack Donaghey

"People talk too much. People think too much. We're all village idiots enamored with our shadows, oblivious to the setting sun." - Marshall Mary Shannon

In the year 3000... "General Motors will begin selling smarter, more efficient cars... that break down within walking distance of a Toyota dealership." - Conan O'Brien

In the year 3000... "Babies will start listening to dance music when Lady GaGa teams up with the Goo Goo Dolls to form the super group - GaGaGooGoo." - AndyRichter