The Blog of Dr. Andrew Skaff

Training Log 12/16-12/31

2012-01-07T15:31:00.000-06:00

I wasn't sure how well this training period would go since Christmas and New Year's were included. I tend to just eat and eat and eat during vacation times, but I still felt pretty motivated to keep this going. Kim certainly helped out a ton by getting me to run two different times during the four day get-together in Chicago. It's always fun running with Kim, she makes me bust my ass just to keep up with her comfortable paces. I suppose it's good to work with people that are in better shape, if for nothing else, to keep the ego grounded. Thanks Kim!

Shockingly, I even managed to lose one pound in the two week period even with the uninhibited eating of rich holiday dinners and desserts. I met my swimming goals and exceeded the run and lifting goals for this segment of the training. I almost got the bike out over the weekend, but it was so damned windy. I still did the final hill running session despite the wind and seriously bothered my right ankle. It's not injured, just stressed, which will likely cut into the running next session, but hopefully not too much.

Goals for the next period - same as last period, I'm taking the racquetball out of the expectation, just because there hasn't been much interest in playing from my opponents. I guess I just dominated too much. Boom! There's probably only potential for one basketball game. So - 4 runs, 4 swims, 4 lifts, 2 bike, 1 basketball.

Run 4/5 (Goal/Actual)
Hills
12/17 - Hospital Hill - 3.45 miles, 36:50 (10:41/mi) (garmin stats)
12/31 - Hospital Hill - 3.7 miles, 39:22 (10:39/mi) (garmin stats)

Distance
12/24 - Nature's Cove at Valley Lakes - 5.22 miles (10:07/mi pace), splits: 10:03, 10:00, 9:59, 10:19, 10:16, 2:15(0.22 mi) (garmin stats)
12/26 - Nature's Cove at Valley Lakes - 5 mile fartlek (10:24/mi avg pace), 2.25 mi warm up - 10:24, 10:09, 2:30 (10:08/mi) 3 min run (.36 mi, 8:28/mi) 3 min jog, 2 min run (.23 mi, 8:49/mi), 2 min jog, 1 min run (.12 mi, 8:39/mi), 1.63 mile jog - 11:17, 6:50 (.63 mi, 10:50/mi) (garmin stats)
12/29 - Macken Park - 7 mile run (10:23/mi) - splits - 10:28, 10:32, 10:27, 10:31, 10:34, 10:28, 9:40 (garmin stats)

Swim 4/4
12/19 - Total 36 laps - 3 sets of 2 laps (1:45, 1:50, 1:48), 30 laps - triathlon distance (31:20)
12/21 - Total 17 laps - 3 sets of 2 laps (1:45, 1:44, 1:43, 3x 3 laps (2:50, 2:50, 2:50), 2x 1 lap sprint (:45, :45)
12/23 - Total 21 laps - speed drills - 10 sets of 2 laps - (1:42, 1:45, 1:44, 1:43, 1:45, 1:48, 1:47, 1:48, 1:42, 1:44) 1 lap sprint - 42.6
12/28 - Total 21 laps - 3 sets of 2 laps - (1:43, 1:49, 1:49) 3x 5 laps - (4:55, 4:51, 4:54)

Weight Training 4/5
12/16 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press
12/19 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press
12/23 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press
12/28 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press
12/31 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press

Bike 2/0

Basketball 0/0

Racquetball 2/0

Current
Weight - 238 (last post - 239, total loss - 5)
Distance capability - 7 miles (12/29/2011)

10K time - 1:02:50 (11/29/2011)
5K time -30:10 (10/12/2011)

Year-To-Date Mileage (Jan 1 - Dec 1 2011)
Run - 250.0 miles
Bike - 279.8 miles
Swim - 22.0 miles

PRs
Distance - 8.7 miles (4/7/11) - Macken Park Training
5K (official) - 28:14 (7/9/11) - Grayslake 5K
5K (unofficial) - 28:03 (5/2/11) - Macken Park Training
10K - 62:04 (4/28/11) - Macken Park Training
Half-Marathon - N/A
Olympic-Distance Triathlon - 3:38:57 (5/22/11) - KC Triathlon

Training Log 12/1-12/15

2011-12-20T15:40:00.000-06:00

I managed to survive the first session, but wasn't quite able to meet the potentially overachieving goals I had set and am now a little banged up. I had to skip one run and one racquetball session because of a bothered left knee and sore right ankle... probably from overdoing it a bit, but it is feeling almost back to normal after skipping those two harder-on-the-joints workouts. I haven't managed to rile up any motivation to do any cycling yet, but I'm working up to it. On the positive side, weightlifting seems to already be helping with swimming - I'm already up to half the triathlon distance and my speed is awfully close to my fastest times of the year. The other positive thing - I managed to drop four pounds in the first two weeks. Hopefully I can manage to maintain through the holiday season.

Goals for next session: 4 runs, 4 swims, 2 racquetball, 4 lifts, 2 cycling sessions. No basketball this period because the gym in closed and most of the group is in holiday travel mode.

Run 4/3 (Goal/Actual)
Hills
12/4 - Hospital Hill - 3.5 miles, 38:07 (10:52/mi) (garmin stats)
12/11 - Hospital Hill - 3.4 miles, 36:12 (10:45/mi) (garmin stats)
Distance
12/7 - Macken Park 4.3 miles, 45:37 (10:34/mi)- horrible run (garmin stats)

Swim 4/4
12/5 - Total 20 laps - 3 sets of 2 laps (~1:50/set), 3x 3 laps (~2:50/set), 1x 5 laps (5:00)
12/7 - Total 25 laps - 3x 2 laps (~1:50/set), 3x 3 laps (~2:50/set), 1x 10 laps (10:32)
12/12 - Total 26 laps - 3 x 2 laps (1:48, 1:49, 1:50), 3x 3 laps (2:52, 2:51, 2:47) 1x 10 laps (9:58), 1x 1 lap sprint (43.6)
12/14 - Total 30 laps - 3x 2 laps (1:45, 1:50, 1:49), 3x 3 laps (2:56, 2:53, 2:53), 15 laps (15:20)

Bike 2/0

Basketball 2/2
12/2 - 90 minutes - half court
12/9 - 90 minutes - full court - exhausting

Racquetball 2/1
12/6 - 2 hours, cut-throat - dominated

Weight Training 4/5
12/1 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press
12/4 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press
12/8 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press
12/11 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press
12/14 - 3 sets of 10 of each: curls, shoulder press, shoulder raise, rows, fly, chest press

Current
Weight - 239 (last week - 243)
Distance capability - 6.2 miles (11/29/2011)

10K time - 1:02:50 (11/29/2011)
5K time -30:10 (10/12/2011)

Year-To-Date Mileage (Jan 1 - Dec 1 2011)
Run - 225.6 miles
Bike - 279.8 miles
Swim - 19.3 miles

PRs
Distance - 8.7 miles (4/7/11) - Macken Park Training

5K (official) - 28:14 (7/9/11) - Grayslake 5K
5K (unofficial) - 28:03 (5/2/11) - Macken Park Training
10K - 62:04 (4/28/11) - Macken Park Training
Half-Marathon - N/A
Olympic-Distance Triathlon - 3:38:57 (5/22/11) - KC Triathlon

Pre-2012 Training Post

2011-12-01T20:00:00.000-06:00

It's been a long while since I've posted anything on this site... a long while. As of now at work, I am writing a methods section for my next paper, so my writing style may currently be pretty academic. I'll work on that as I go.

I wasn't terribly happy with my performance in the 2011 KC Triathlon. I believe the blame lies at least partially on not starting training until February and then having several setbacks including back problems related to being out of shape. When the triathlon rolled around, I was relatively ready, but the open water swim killed me, just as it did in 2010. I apparently learned nothing. Ugh. I did however finish the triathlon about 5 minutes faster than the year before at a weight almost 20 pounds heavier (in better shape despite being almost 10% heavier?).

Since I feel like I have gotten overweight and maybe a bit out of shape, I am going to start my triathlon training much earlier this season. As an added difficulty this season, on top of training for the 2012 KC Triathlon on May 20, I am going to simultaneously train for the Wisconsin Half-Marathon on May 5th in Kenosha (booyah, Kim, I'm making it official!). I plan on posting updates on the 1st and 16th of each month with an abbreviated log of my workouts. For each period, I will be aiming for 4 runs (2 distance, 2 hills), 4 swims, 2 cycling sessions (indoor unless it is warm and clear enough to bring out the road bike). Instead of running sprints (to begin with anyway) I am going to substitute participation in sporting events, so, I will aim for playing both basketball and racquetball twice for each period. On top of all this, I would like to mix in 4 light weight-training sessions in addition to of regular core and stretching routines. When the weather does not cooperate, I will replace runs with cycling or Plyo X workouts, that is, unless my weight drops low enough to use the apartment building's treadmills, in which case... I'll be replacing runs with, well, runs.

My 2012 goals will be to 1) drop about 25 pounds, 2) take almost 40 minutes off of the 2011 triathlon time to finish in 3:00:00, or less, and 3) complete the Wisconsin Half-Marathon in 2:11:00 (10 minutes/mile pace).

In order to reach these goals, I would like to get my weight to a maximum of 220. This means that I will be giving up soda again (good bye rum and coke...dammit) and trying to take control of my diet (lame) while increasing the number and frequency of workouts. I have been running a bit and playing basketball/tennis somewhat regularly, so I'm not a complete disaster going in to it this time. In fact, I can still run a 10K, which I unexpectedly found out on Tuesday (decided to run 4 miles, then just kept going). I believe I will be in good position to have some monster effects on my distances and times based on where I am now.

Current
Weight - 243
Distance capability - 6.2 miles (11/29/2011)

10K time - 1:02:50 (11/29/2011)
5K time -30:10 (10/12/2011)

Year-To-Date Mileage (Jan 1 - Dec 1 2011)
Run - 214.4 miles
Bike - 279.8 miles
Swim - 16.4 miles

PRs
Distance - 8.7 miles (4/7/11) - Macken Park Training

5K (official) - 28:14 (7/9/11) - Grayslake 5K
5K (unofficial) - 28:03 (5/2/11) - Macken Park Training
10K - 62:04 (4/28/11) - Macken Park Training
Half-Marathon - N/A
Olympic-Distance Triathlon - 3:38:57 (5/22/11) - KC Triathlon

Triathon Training Weeks 6 - 14 MEGAPOST

2011-05-20T11:15:00.001-05:00

I kinda got a little behind in the triathlon training updates. So, to my reader (intentionally singular), my deepest apologies. I'm pretty sure that I will owe a beer to anyone that reads this entire post. Anyone willing to take on the challenge?

WEEK 6

Monday, March 21 - Basketball, 90 minutes. Same as last week, only full court this time. I have been playing better since triathlon training started - might be helping my game.

Tuesday, March 22 - Recovery day from basketball.

Wednesday, March 23 - Swinney Lap Swim - I forgot to toss my Garmin watch in my gym bag... so no stats on this swim.

Thursday, March 24 - Macken Park Run - Working on speed, picked set distances and went as fast as possible. Started with 1 mile run - 8:37, 1/4 mile walk, 1/4 mile run - 4:34 (didn't feel good during this), 1/4 mile walk, 1/4 mile sprint - 1:57 (good), 1/4 walk, 1/4 sprint - 2:01, 1/4 walk, then finished with a 1 mile at comfortable pace - 10:13. Total - 4 miles 43:12.

Macken Park Speed Run - 4 miles by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Friday, March 25 - AbRipperX

Saturday, March 26 - Swinney Lap Swim - 3 sets of 10 laps (500 yd sets - 1500 yd total). Each set is 450 yd freestyle, 50 yd breaststroke. Sets were - 11:10, 11:41, 12:00. Total time - 34:51. Sprints were each 1 lap (50 yd) - splits - :49, :49, :50. Finished with 2 lap (100 yd) - 2:15. 1 mile total swim distance.

Swinney Lap Swim + Sprints by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Sunday, March 27 - Platte Brooke North Trail + Hills.- Miles 1 and 5 are on the flat trail. Miles 2 and 4 are the smaller hill. Mile 3 is the monster. Splits are 11:24, 11:06, 11:19, 10:57, 10:15, 1:04 (0.1 mile 10:39/mi pace). Total time - 56:09, distance - 5.1 miles.

Platte Brooke North Trail Run + Hills by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Totals for Week 6
Swim - 1.90 miles
Bike - 0 miles
Run - 9.1 miles
Other - Basketball, AbRipperX

WEEK 7

Monday, March 28 - Basketball

Tuesday, March 29 - Recovery from Basketball

Wednesday, March 30 - Swinney Lap Swim - 3 sets of 10 laps (500 yd sets - 1500 yd total). Each set is 450 yd freestyle, 50 yd breaststroke. Sets were - 10:55, 11:29, 11:30 Total time - 33:54. Sprints were each 1 lap (50 yd) - splits - :49, :49, :50. Finished with 5 lap (250 yd) - 5:28. 1 mile total swim distance.

Swinney Lap Swim by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Thursday, March 31 - Rest

Friday, April 1 - Rest

Saturday, April 2 - Macken Park 10K - Split times - 9:52, 9:56, 9:56, 10:01, 10:32, 10:05, 2:03 (0.2 miles, 9:43/mi pace). Total 10K time - 1:02:27.

Macken Park 10K by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

AND

Swinney Lap Swim - 3 sets of 10 laps (500 yd sets - 1500 yd total). Each set is 450 yd freestyle, 50 yd breaststroke. Sets were - 11:01, 11:09, 11:26 Total time - 33:36. Finish with 5 lap (250yd) standard set - 5:46. Total distance - 1 mile.

Swinney Lap Swim by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Sunday April 3 - Rest

Totals for Week 7
Swim - 2 miles
Bike - 0 miles
Run - 6.2 miles
Other - Basketball

WEEK 8
Realized that I am still heavier than i would like to be for the triathlon and decided to add an extra workout during the week, so no recovery day after basketball days. Also, worked on improving eating habits.

Monday, April 4 - Basketball

Tuesday, April 5 - Platte Brooke North Trail + Hills - 5.1 Miles- Miles 1 and 5 are on the flat trail. Miles 2 and 4 are the smaller hill. Mile 3 is the monster. Splits are 10:11, 10:41, 10:59, 10:33, 10:13, 1:02 (0.1 mile 9:47/mi pace). Total time - 53:41. Ultimately, this was a stupid idea - running the day after basketball really bothers my knees and ankles.

Platte Brooke North Trail + Hills by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Wednesday, April 6 - Swinney Lap Swim - Speed Workout - Started with 5 lap (250yd) standard set (90% freestyle/10% breaststroke) 4:57, 2x 2 lap (100yd) sprint - 1:54, 1:45, 1 lap (50yd) sprint - 0:46, 2x 3 lap (150 yd) regular pace - 3:05, 3:09, 2x 1 lap (50 yd) sprint - 0:50, 0:49, finish with 2 lap (100yd) sprint - 1:51. Total distance - 0.6 mi.

Thursday, April 7 - Macken Park 8.74 Mile Run - Total run 8.74 miles, no walking - 90 minute total time. Splits - 10:22, 10:13, 10:16, 10:18, 10:16, 10:19, 10:18, 10:19, 7:38 (0.74 mi - 10:24 pace)

Macken Park 8.74 Mile Run by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Friday, April 8 - Rest

Saturday, April 9 - Rest

Sunday, April 10 - Swinney Lap Swim - testing modified technique - Trying out a modification to freestyle stroke. Series of short distance sets. Total of 20 laps, started and ended with a 3 lap set (150yd) with 7x2 lap sets (100yd) between. Splits were - 2:49 (150 yd) 1:54, 1:56, 1:57, 1:54, 1:59, 2:01, 2:58 (150yd). Total distance - 0.6 mi.

Swinney Lap Swim - testing modified technique by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Totals for Week 8
Swim - 1.2 miles
Bike - 0 miles
Run - 13.8 miles
Other - Basketball

WEEK 9

Monday, April 11 - Basketball

Tuesday, April 12 - Rest

Wednesday, April 13 - Macken Park Run 4 Mile Trolley Run Tune-up - 4 mile run pushing to increase speed. Splits were - 9:50, 9:37, 9:25, 9:05. Total time - 37:59

Macken Park Run 4 Mile Trolley Run Tune-up by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Thursday, April 14 - Swinney Lap Swim - applying modified stroke to distance - Ignore map/elevation, indoor swim. 3x10 lap (500yd) sets with rest between then 5 lap set to total of 1 mile. Sets are 90% freestyle, 10% breaststroke. Splits are - 11:04 (+1:24 rest), 10:50 (+1:39 rest), 11:44 (1:25 rest), 5:19 (5 lap - 250yd). Total 1 mile - 43:36

Friday, April 15 - Rest

Saturday, April 16 - Swinney Lap Swim - 3 sets of 10 laps (500 yd sets - 1500 yd total). Each set is 450 yd freestyle, 50 yd breaststroke. Sets were - 10:29, 10:55, 11:18 Total time - 32:42. Finish with 5 lap (250yd) standard set - 5:49. Total distance - 1 mile in 38:33.

Swinney Lap Swim by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Sunday, April 17 - Kansas City Trolley Run - 4 mile run with Dad, Steven, Kim and Eddie. Race was almost exclusively downhill. Splits were 11:14, 11:43 (with water break), 11:12, 11:17, 1:05 (0.07 mi) - total time - 46:31. Although it was slower than I was trained for, it was nice to run with a group. Most hilarious moment from the Trolley Run experience - being approached by a rugby team representative - "have you ever thought about playing rugby?"... "not until I was just asked that question." I'll have to revisit the concept of playing rugby, but not until after the KC Triathlon.

Kansas City Trolley Run by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Totals for Week 9
Swim - 2 miles
Bike - 0 miles
Run - 8 miles
Other - Basketball

WEEK 10

Monday, April 18 - Basketball - Awesome experience in basketball this week - our group of science nerds, ended up facing off in a scrimmage game against the university's women's basketball team. Matchups were pretty even from position to position. I was guarding the center who was only 1 inch shorter than me - which is taller than the guy who normally guards me - haha! They were clearly more polished as a team, but we I'm pretty sure we surprised them with our skill level... for science nerds. Girls win 2 games to 1, but all games were within 2 points. Awesome time!

Tuesday, April 19 - Rest

Wednesday, April 20 - Swinney Lap Swim - 0.6 mi - 10 lap (500 yd) set followed by 5 lap (250yd) set (90% freestyle, 10% breaststroke). Then freestyle only - 5x50yd at slightly under sprint speed. Ended with 2 lap (100yd) set. Splits were - 10:22 (500yd), 4:57 (250yd), 50yd speed laps - :53, :52, :52, :53, :46, 100 yd - 2:00.

Swinney Lap Swim - 0.6 mi by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

AND

Platte Brooke North Trail + Hills - Miles 1 and 5 are on the flat trail. Miles 2 and 4 are the smaller hill. Mile 3 is the monster. Splits are 9:22, 10:06, 10:10, 10:06, 9:58, 1:01 (0.1 mile 9:33/mi pace). Total time - 50:46. Total distance - 5.1 mi.

Platte Brooke North Trail + Hills by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Thursday, April 21 - AbRipperX

Friday, April 22 - Rest

Saturday, April 23 - Downtown Airport 25.7 Mile Bike - 25.7 mile bike = 7 laps (3.7 miles/lap) of Downtown Airport. Lap times were - 12:43, 12:46, 13:12, 13:27, 13:36, 13:25, 14:03. Total time - 1:33:26. Triathlon distance 25 miles - 1:30:53. Checked pace against last year's time for this same route/distance - almost identical. Ready for the triathlon???? Well, probably as ready as I was last year anyway

Downtown Airport 25.7 Mile Bike by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Sunday, April 24 - Rest

Totals for Week 10

Swim - 0.6 miles
Bike - 25.7 miles
Run - 5.1 miles
Other - Basketball, AbRipperX

WEEK 11

Monday, April 25 - Basketball

Tuesday, April 26 - Rest

Wednesday, April 27 - Rest

Thursday, April 28 - Macken Park 10K - Split times - 10:00, 9:57, 10:01, 10:01, 10:02, 9:59, 2:00 (0.21 miles, 9:39/mi pace). Total 10K time - 1:02:04. 10K time is the same as last year's pre-triathlon pace, but feel much better about the distances than last year.

Friday, April 29 - Knee is bothering me... taking a few days off.

Saturday, April 30 - Rest

Sunday, May 1 - Rest

Totals for Week 11

Swim - 0 miles
Bike - 0 miles
Run - 6.2 miles
Other - Basketball

WEEK 12

Monday, May 2 - Macken Park 5K - Splits - 9:25, 9:02, 8:43, :51 (0.1mi 8:14/mile pace). Working on speed and quite happy that the 3rd mile was well under the 9 min/mi pace. Speed is picking up!

Macken Park 5K by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Tuesday, May 3 - Knee is acting up again. More rest for the near future.

Wednesday, May 4 - Rest

Thursday, May 5 - Does 16 hours in a car count as endurance training?

Friday, May 6 - Rest

Saturday, May 7 - Baseball at park... pretty sure this doesn't count as cardio or really anything though, but it was fun!

Sunday, May 8 - Rest

Totals for Week 12

Swim - 0 miles
Bike - 0 miles
Run - 3.1 miles
Other - None

WEEK 13

Monday, May 9 - Macken Park 5 Mile Run - Hot, humid, tired from 4 straight days of being up past 3am, sore legs, poor eating habits for last week, partially dehydrated. Splits are 10:17, 10:27, 10:27, 10:39, 11:09 (some walking). Total - 53:03. Attempt at returning from sore knee, and didn't go so well. After this, I was getting worried about being able to even attempt the triathlon that's less than 2 weeks away. I was really hoping this run was a fluke - see list of excuses.

Macken Park 5 Mile Run by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Tuesday, May 10 - Swinney Lap Swim - Total of 38 laps - 1.1 mi. 5 lap (250yd) standard set - 90% freestyle, 10% breaststroke - 4:54, 3 (150yd) lap freestyle - 3:03, 30 lap (1500yd = full tri-distance) freestyle - 33:23. This swim started very poorly. I couldn't find the right rhythm and after Monday's run, I was almost certain that this was going to be a giant FAIL. But then, I found the right stride and blew through the entire distance in one set! I'm back, baby!!!!!!

Swinney Lap Swim by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Wednesday, May 11 - Rest

Thursday, May 12 - Macken Park 7 Mile Run - Attempted to average 10:10/mile for more than 10K - Splits were - 10:02, 10:02, 10:05, 9:59, 10:10, 10:05, 9:54. Total - 7 miles in 70:17. Monday's run was definitely a fluke, because this was my fastest run over more than a 10K distance. Definitely feeling better now.

Macken Park 7 Mile Run by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Friday, May 13 - Rest

Saturday, May 14 - Rockfest!!! Standing/walking around for 8 straight hours counts as exercise, right?

Sunday, May 15 - Rest

Totals for Week 13

Swim - 1.1 miles
Bike - 0 miles
Run - 12 miles
Other - Rockfest

WEEK 14

Monday, May 16 - Basketball - After 2 weeks off, we finally got to play again. This counted as my running for the week... lots and lots of full court sprints. The real plus is the fact that I didn't feel tired during the games or after.

Tuesday, May 17 - Longview Lake 13.5 Mile Bike - Trial run for Sunday's KC Triathlon. Got lost a little in miles 6 and 7 and had to stop to read the map for the correct route, so ended up going an extra mile. Didn't push much during the route but didn't struggle with the hills either. Overall, speed was a little slow, but not too worried about the bike portion of the triathlon. Splits were - 4:06, 4:04, 4:37, 3:27, 4:18, 7:39, 6:35, 3:18, 3:32, 5:06, 2:47, 3:43, 3:56, 2:23 (0.48 mile - 4:59/mi pace). Checked pace against times from the triathlon last year and they're pretty comparable, despite lack of effort during this practice run.

Longview Lake 13.5 Mile Bike by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Wednesday, May 18 - Rest

Thursday, May 19 - Swinney Lap Swim - 0.6 mi - Final tune-up before the triathlon! All laps were freestyle. 8 laps (400 yd - 8:04) - tweaked left shoulder on the last lap of this set, so paued for 40 seconds, then continued with 12 more laps (600 yd - 12:32) while protecting the annoyed shoulder. Shoulder felt alright in the 12 lap set with a shortened stroke and also was ok afterwards and no pain the next morning, so I'm good to go.

Swinney Lap Swim - 0.6 Mi by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Friday, May 20 - Rest

Saturday, May 21 - Rest and Packet Pickup Day and time for glorious carb-loading meals.

Totals for Week 14

Swim - 0.6 miles
Bike - 13.5 miles
Run - 0 miles
Other - Basketball

Quotes for the Week #99

2011-04-27T15:41:00.001-05:00

"What in the name of pre-paid venereal disease do you think you're doing?" - Malory Archer

"Yes! I love banter... but I hate witty banter." - Kevin Malone

"It's weird to see an animal that is known to eat it's own vomit, be stripped of it's dignity." - Joel McHale

"I'll give you the same advice my father gave me the night I lost my virginity: just pick one, they all cost the same." - Pierce Hawthorne

Quotes for the Week #98

2011-04-18T17:10:00.000-05:00

"Well... you're not pregnant in your mouth." - Joel McHale

"That's where we're at with the Tea Party? You can't even support good deals now? Well, it's a good deal, but some poor people remain hardly unfucked, so my constituents won't have it." - Jon Stewart

Quotes for the Week #97

2011-04-11T11:11:00.000-05:00

"I love Dick Morris. It's like if cholesterol and bile had a baby... and let Harvey Fierstein do the voice-over." - Jon Stewart

"Yes, Obama duped young people by not doing everything single thing they want. So now, they'll all vote republican. It's like, when I want some bread, I will not settle for half a loaf, I will instead have a muffin made of broken glass." - Stephen Colbert

"Oh honey, don't take this the wrong way, but I have almost no faith in you." - Claire Dunphy

"What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morrisette had a baby and named it 'this exact situation'." - Sterling Archer

"And I love that I have an erection... that didn't involve homeless people." - Dr. Krieger

"Maybe you just want to fly the plane yourself. Well, good luck pressing 'takeoff' then 'autopilot' then 'land'." - Carol

Quotes for the Week #96

2011-04-04T19:25:00.001-05:00

"I thought we understood that you were never to think that I understand anything." - Liz Lemon

"I vanquished you in one day. I was trapped in a world of wet-wipes and rectal thermometers... then the babies came and life changed." - Devon Banks

"Roman? Roman doesn't know anything about anything. The other day he asked me what the letter q was." - Ben Donovan

"So, my Japanese girlfriend broke up with me, but that's ok, there are plenty more of them in the sea." - Mike M.

Quotes for the Week #95

2011-03-27T19:17:00.001-05:00

"I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something." - Ron Swanson

"That's like comparing apples to... Nazi oranges." - Cyril Figgis

"And if there is one thing I have learned in all my years as a spymaster, it's that you keep your friends close and possible genetic clones of Adolph Hitler closer." - Mallory Archer

"That's what he's best at...putting a bow on a turd, marking up the price and selling it so hard you want it, even though you know it's just a turd with a bow on it. America is that turd. It's time to let Donald Trump come in, put some gold leaf on the border and marble columns around Florida, throw up his names in big lights over the midwest and sell this whole place to the Chinese before they realize it's half broken. This is what I've been waiting for my whole life, a president who's not afraid to tell the truth... about being a lying asshole. Trump 2012!" - Lewis Black

Triathlon Training Week 5

2011-03-21T19:26:00.002-05:00

Monday, March 14- Basketball - 90 min. Same as last week, guarded the other low-post player and got pummeled with elbows... but wasn't quite as rough as the week before.

Tuesday, March 15 - Recovery from basketball

Wednesday, March 16 - Swinney Lap Swim. 30 lap total swim (distance - 1500 yd) 10 laps, short rest, then back to back 10 lap sets. Splits were - 11:05 (+ 1:19 rest), 12:00 and 12:23. This is the triathlon distance. Total time - 36:49. Each set of 10 laps consisted of 85% freestyle swim and 15% breaststroke for recovery.

Swinney Lap Swim by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Thursday, March 17 - Macken Park 6.8 Mile Run. Stupidly, I hadn't charged my Garmin watch in a while... and the battery died during this run, so I only have the first 2.27 miles of the run. I did manage to break my personal distance record (of 6.7 miles on 3/5/11) by a whopping, 0.1 miles! The splits were -10:20, 10:32, 11:00*, 11:00*, 11:00*, 11:00*, 8:48* (0.8 mile - 11:00 pace). Total time - 73:40*. I'm pretty sure that I was going faster than the 11:00/mile pace, but I have no proof, so I'll just have to make sure to charge the watch so it can stay on for the whole run.
*Estimate based on average laps from previous 10K run at Macken Park 12 days earlier

Macken Park 6.8 mile run - partial record by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Friday, March 18 - Rest

Saturday, March 19 - Rest

Sunday, March 20 - 10K run in Ames. I was in Ames for Saturday and Sunday and happened to stay with my old college roommate, Craig, who ran a half-marathon last year in Des Moines. Since he's training for that again this year, I brought my running gear along for the trip and joined him for a 10K around Ames. It was a pretty nostalgic run. We started at Craig's place, went along the south side of Campustown, up University Ave, around the stadiums, then back down Lincoln Way, which is along the south side of the Iowa State University campus, back to our starting point. We managed to run negative splits, except for one mile that we missed by 2 seconds because of a couple hills which also coincided with when it rained on us for a bit. All in all, easily the best run of the year! Thanks, Craig! Split times were -10:40, 10:26, 10:14, 10:10, 10:11, 10:04, 1:52 (0.21 mi - 9:08 pace). Total time - 63:37.

Ames 10K run by daskaff at Garmin Con63:3nect - Details

Week 5 Summary I had decided with the successful brick from last week, that I could take it somewhat easy this week. I want to stay off the bike for at least this week to try to drop a few more pounds, but definitely wanted to get back in the pool. This week's successes were doing the full distance swim with only minimal rest, extending my running personal distance record and cutting 4 min 23 seconds off my 10K time. Wow! That's not too bad for a taking it somewhat easy week.

Totals for Week 5
Swim - 0.90 miles
Bike - 0 miles
Run - 13.0 miles
Other - Basketball

Week 6 Goals I would like to get in two swims, two runs (one focusing on speed at Macken and one focusing on distance at the hills of 68th St), one bike, the regular basketball session and do the AbRipperX workout.

Quotes for the Week #94

2011-03-20T11:32:00.017-05:00

"If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes." - Malory Archer

"Why do I have to go to a French movie? I didn't do anything wrong." - Phil Dunphy

"While Claire watched one of the most highly-acclaimed films of the year, I sat through a badly made schlockfest with absolutely no redeeming value... and it was awesome!" - Phil Dunphy

"There's no proof she's being stalked by ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them, as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better." - Dr. James Wilson

Triathlon Training Week 4

2011-03-14T18:35:00.003-05:00

Monday March 7 - Basketball, 90 min - Guarded the other low-post player and got beaten up by repeated elbows to the arms and chest. Definitely need a day or two to recover from that. Ugh.

Tuesday March 8 - Rest

Wednesday March 9 - AbRipperX - Up to almost 50%

Thursday March 10 - 5K + 1.75 mile run. So, I wanted to see what my 5K time would be if I tried to run fairly quickly, just to see where I was compared to 5K runs from last year. Turns out, I'm not too far off of last year's paces. I kept all three miles under 10 min/mi pace and had neg splits - 9:56, 9:48, 9:26, 0:56 (0.1 mile - 9:05/mi pace) for a 5K time of 30:06. Pacing wise, this was 37 seconds/mile faster than the last 5K I did last year - The World's Maize-iest Maze Race in Spring Grove, IL (race recap here via IlaxStudio, because I was too lazy to write one myself). I ended up tacking on a 1.75 mile (very slow) jog to this run, because I had nothing better to do that night. My ankle started bothering me after the 5K and I wanted to see how I could compensate for it should this injury come up in an actual run. It was annoying, but it wasn't that big of a deal.

Macken Park 5K + 1.75mi Slow Run by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Friday March 11 - AbRipperX - Passed the 50% mark.

Saturday March 12 - Bike/Run Brick - 14.8 mile bike/3.7 mile run. It was finally warm enough on a weekend day that I could get my bike out for a test ride. Last year at this time, I had yet to even own a bike, so simply getting it out means, by definition, that I would be ahead of last year... right? My first brick of 2010 wasn't until about mid to late April, so if I bike then run, I should be WAY ahead of last year... maybe. The Downtown KC Airport is a great place to bike - it's a 3.7 mile loop around the airport with minimal traffic and there's a couple hills, but mostly straight and flat. The downside, since there is no cover at ground level, is the wind, which you have to eat for about 1.5 miles straight.
The ride was alright, the seat was uncomfortable (as usual) almost immediately, which (along with the wind) reminds me that I need to lose about 25 pounds. Excess weight and the loose clothing I had to wear because it was somewhat chilly, killed my speed during the straight away facing the wind. I ended up doing 4 laps of the airport for a total of 14.8 miles. Splits were - 15:50, 15:59, 16:19, 16:24. Total time - 64:32. My average speed for the ride was only slightly slower than last year.
When I finished the bike portion, I tossed the bike back in the car, drank some water, then ran one lap around the airport (if only the airport threw a small lake in there somewhere, I could practice the whole damned thing). The 3.7 mile run took 39:45. Splits - 10:34, 10:55, 10:53, 7:23 (0.67 mile - 10:59 pace). Again, the times weren't that far off of my triathlon pace from last year and my endurance isn't terribly far off of last year either. Today's bike and run were each 60% of the distance of the full triathlon distances.

Bike/Run Brick - 14.8 mile Bike/3.7 mile Run by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Sunday March 13 - Rest

Week 4 Summary I had been pretty worried that I was months behind in my training compared to last year. At this time last year, I had focused almost exclusively on swimming (because I was basically a beginner), didn't own a bike, and had run about 10 miles. I felt like I was in shape and weighed 215 pounds. This year, I only have been playing a lot more basketball, only have about 3 swims in, but almost 50 miles of running and now 15 miles of biking as well as the experience of last year's triathlon. I feel like I am in adequate shape, but weigh 230 pounds (started 2011 at almost 240 though). After this week, I honestly feel better about my position in training than I have at any point this year. I now have proof that my endurance is still there and my weight is going in the correct direction.

Totals for Week 4
Swim - 0 miles
Bike - 14.8 miles
Run - 8.6 miles
Other - Basketball, AbRipperX x2

Quotes for the Week #93

2011-03-13T12:41:00.000-05:00

"Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry on bag." - Stephen Colbert

"That's not fair. I slept with that hot girl and you want me to pretend I slept with Connie? That's like going to Led Zeppelin and telling everybody I saw Styx." - Larry Munsch

"I'm sorry if this is your wake-up call, but being an ugly woman is like being a man... you're gonna have to work." - Daniel Tosh

"What part of Europe is he from... Pretentioustan?" - Mitchell Pritchett

"Well, here's a good reason. You ever go the bathroom and find parsley in your teeth that your friends hadn't told you about? Now, imagine your teeth are a uterus and that parsley is a half-Chinese baby." - Pierce Hawthorne

Community - Chang vs Rich

2011-03-11T11:45:00.000-06:00

I wanted to put this in the "Quotes for the Week" but it's waaaaay too long. If you're calling me lazy for just posting this clip... Guilty as Chang'ed.

Triathlon Training Week 3

2011-03-07T15:20:00.010-06:00

Monday Feb 28 - Basketball 90 min. Somewhat strange team divisions, but the games were competitive. Back felt tired, but not sore. I just kept stretching it out through the rest of the day and it felt alright. Progress!

Tuesday Mar 1 - Rest

Wednesday Mar 2 - Rest. My back feels pretty well healed, but want to give it one more night of rest before testing it out.

Thursday Mar 3 - 3.6 mile run. My back still feels good, so it's time to test it with an easy-ish run. Macken Park is completely flat and not very busy after dark, which is when I get a chance to go. I kept the pace kind of slow, but my back didn't tighten up, so I sped up (slightly) for each 1 mile lap. Finished with 3.6 miles and no tightness! I could be ready to get back into training then... but should take it easy for the next week to try to not make things worse. Times were 10:19, 10:16, 9:58, 6:01 (0.6 miles).
Distance/Time - 3.6 miles/36:35

Macken Park Run - Easy Pace 3.6 miles by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Friday Mar 4 - Cold and rainy day, so didn't really want to do anything outside. Ended up doing the AbRipperX workout from P90X. And by "doing", I really mean "tried" as in I probably did 1/3 of it. Yeah... not prepped to do well in that workout yet. But, you have to start somewhere.

Saturday Mar 5 - 6.7 mile run. The goals for the run were A) increase distance (hopefully out to full 10K - the distance of the run for the triathlon) and B) keep the pace slow to ensure I can finish the 10K but also establish a slow enough time that basically any future 10K completion would be faster than this. It was much colder than Thursday's run (25 vs low 50s), but tolerable. I kept a pace of about 11 min/mile throughout the run, which was almost too slow of a pace to maintain and I was barely ever breathing over a normal rate. My left hip flexor started getting tired in the fifth mile (no biggie) and my left ankle got a little sore in the sixth (also no biggie). I ended up finishing the 10K in 1:08:00. To prove I still had something in the tank, I decided to run an extra half mile at a much faster pace. Actually, I got the half mile point way before I expected, but I decided that was enough. My back never tightened up or even felt tired. I might actually be over that injury
Total time/distance - 1:12:50/6.7 miles
Laps were - 10:43, 11:06, 11:05, 11:00, 11:00, 10:51, 2:15 (0.2 mile). Bonus (0.52 mile) - 4:48 - 9:16/mile pace
Macken Park 10K+ by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Sunday Mar 6 - Rest. With basketball in the morning tomorrow, I decided to take it easy after that long run. Ended up just doing two different stretching sessions, but nothing taxing.

Week 3 Summary - Injuries are basically not a problem by the end of the week. I'm pretty happy that I managed to run a 10K+ nonstop. The time (1:08:00) was slow - purposefully, but is (after some checking) 7 minutes slower than my final practice 10K before last year's triathlon. So... maybe I'm not too far behind last year's training after all.

Quotes for the Week #92

2011-03-06T12:23:00.022-06:00

"The pressures of public life has made me lose sight of what is really and truly important... and that is drinking. I love alcohol and I need to recommit myself to the consuming of it. After this is over, I intend to check in to the Super 8 motel off on I95 and I'll have an entire case of Wild Turkey. Thank you. That is all. I love drinking." - Sen Dave Tillis (the nations first openly drunk senator)

"Absolutely, but it's not your fault. You are genetically predisposed to compete against other women for the attention of strong, powerful men like myself, or others very similar to me, for example: Hercules, The Highlander, or a... God." - Jack Donaghey

"That won't make any sense. An urgent marketing message? Oh, my God, the bobbleheads aren't stupid enough." - Ben Donovan

"Who am I, Count Bullets-ula? Like Dracula? That was bad. Come back to me, I can do better." - Sterling Archer

"There is no explanation. There is no excuse... I just want to know why?" - Cameron Tucker

The Onion News Network - Chickens Choose Oscar Winners Amid PETA Protests

2011-03-02T13:08:00.000-06:00

"Madison, you must love this... everyone buzzing to your one little area of knowledge." - Brooke Alvarez

"It is simply inhumane to expose an animal to decisions involving movie soundtracks, or who may, or may not have won best supporting actress in a motion picture that year. God knows I wouldn't subject a person to that kind of treatment." - Cam Silver

PETA Protests Use Of Chickens To Randomly Pick Oscar Winners

Triathlon Training Weeks 1 and 2

2011-02-28T22:15:00.000-06:00

Last year I trained for and completed my first Olympic distance triathlon. I had several people helping to keep me motivated to train last year... this year, it's all me, and I'm waaaaaay behind where I was at this point a year ago. To keep myself honest, I'm going to post my training log here (since I barely use this site for anything other than a repository for humorous quotes I come across in watching endless hours of television in my boredom). I have found myself wanting to post more, so possibly, posting any information here will encourage me to return to the usage of this site and the hordes of readers, who have been weeping at my absence, shall rejoice!

Week 1 - Finally seemingly over my back problem induced by lack of core workouts, I am back into training.

Monday Feb 14 - Valentine's Day - regular basketball session is canceled because some people have lives... lame. I end up spending an hour in the gym doing a shoot-around instead - 1 hour

Tues Feb 15 - Rest

Wed Feb 16 - Rest

Thurs Feb 17 - 45 min shoot around, then Rec-league game on Thursday night - best game of the season

Friday Feb 18 - I chose to ditch friends... to do a 3 mile / speed run workout. I did a 1-mile run at fast pace (sub-9 min - geez, I'm slow compared to last year, but that's what 20 extra pounds does to somebody, I guess), followed by a 2 mile alternating quarter mile walk/run.

Macken Park Run - Speed Training by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Saturday Feb 19 - 20 lap speed training swim (27:30 total time) at the university pool. Start with 7 lap (350 yd) freestyle swim at faster than normal (for me) 6:46 - normally average 1:05 per lap, so I'm pretty happy with that. Another 7 lap (350 yd) freestyle (6 lap) and breast stroke (1 lap) combo - (7:44) which is still fairly fast for me. 2 lap breast stroke (2:44), then a series of freestyle 'sprints' - (50 yd - 57") (100 yd - 1:47) and (50 yd - :49)

Swinney Lap Swim by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Sunday Feb 20 - 5.1 mile run in the hills of Platte Brooke North. It's pretty windy but in the 50s so I got to run in shorts and a long-sleeved shirt...in mid-February. WTF? The first mile is relatively flat on the trail. Miles 2-4 have giant hills that are a real struggle. Mile 3 has the absurd 130 foot climb in 0.4 miles, which I have yet to be able to run through. Overall, a decent run and my back feels alright. Last time I did this run, my back felt like shit and I couldn't run for at least a week.

Platte Brooke North Trail Run + Hills by daskaff at Garmin Connect - Details

Week 2

Monday Feb 21 - Basketball was back on this week. 90 min. Ended up guarding only much smaller opponents, which ended up putting a lot of pressure on my ankles, chasing guards around the court. Probably had my best performance (offensively especially) of my life... until the next to last game, when I pulled down a rebound, faked a shot to get a defender in the air, then raised to take the shot only to have the faked-out defender came down on my shoulders on my way up... re-fucking up my back. I managed to finish the day but suffered the rest of the day, having to shuffle my way through the rest of the work day - still worth it though.

Tuesday Feb 22 - Rest. Walking better, back improving.

Wednesday Feb 23 - Rest. Feeling at least 90%

Thursday Feb 24 - 30 minute shoot around before rec-league game. Ankles feel fine, back is somewhat weak, but good enough to play in the night game (last of the season). Played the rec-league game but my back tightened up early and got worse as the game went on. Pushed through it, but definitely needs some rest to heal.

Friday Feb 25 - Rest (lame). I wanted to run, but I know damn well that a run will only make my back worse... and the weather is ultra-shitty, so outdoor run is not possible (and I'm still too heavy for treadmill run, so that's pretty much that).

Saturday Feb 26 - Rest - Back is feeling better but will wait until at least mid-next week to run again. Both ankles have healed.

Sunday Feb 27 - Reluctantly resting again. Lame. Training is not getting off to a good start. I've already postponed starting training because of injuries about seven times already in the last two months. And guess what... another injury. Not happy.

Quotes for the Week #91

2011-02-26T12:25:00.003-06:00

"I don't want to die in a place like this. People shouldn't die in the same place as People magazines do." - Annie Edison

"Vengeance? Haha, I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey. My father held grudges... always hated him for that." - Pierce Hawthorne

"Good luck to those girls. Raising a child by yourself is one of the hardest things in the world... along with fending off laugh-lines and making the news seem interesting." - Brooke Alvarez

The Onion SportsDome

2011-02-25T22:00:00.001-06:00

Here are two clips from the fantastic Onion SportsDome show on Comedy Central on Tuesday nights.

The Gatorade B-Force announcement - combining the benefits of electrolytes and meat via Gatorade's patented "three I system" - ingestion, injection and and immersion. Anyone claiming 'strawberry barbecue' sounds anything but delicious... is lying.

While this clip does have a Royals-centric portion... the true gem is the Joe DiMaggio rant. Hilarious.

Onion SportsDome

Quotes for the Week #90

2011-02-19T11:18:00.000-06:00

"We're celebrating our fifth anniversary this week and we couldn't have done it without all of you at home on your couches, sitting in silence, absorbing every word I say, navigating your lives around the information I feed you. I'd say 'thank you', but really, you're the ones who should be thanking me. Now, let's get on to our top story..." - Brooke Alvarez

"It's a baby shower... for the bastard child you humped into a filthy whore." - Malory Archer

"I am telling everyone here that there's no way I could be pregnant because I have had my period for the last sixty-one days." - Liz Lemon

"So much of television is really not fit for children, or Christians, or the elderly, so what if there was a black bar on the lower half of your TV screen that kept you from seeing bad things, like nudity or soccer." - Kenneth Parcell

"Homie, you always mean to say the nicest things." "Well, it's not easy with you talking all the time." - Marge and Homer Simpson

"Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet and this office is like the dragon that kept them apart." - Michael Scott

"I never sleep on planes... I don't want to get incepted." - Jack Donaghey

"Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby." - Jack Donaghey

Quotes for the Week #89

2011-02-11T10:38:00.000-06:00

"I think the new guy is a badass...he wears Wranglers." - Bridg3t Bi3r$mith$mash

"It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York, it's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant, severed robot penises." - Liz Lemon

"This is my last show before Sunday's Super Bowl and I have already started preparing my seven layer dip: beef, cheese, sour cream, chili, peppers, pancake batter and Lipitor." - Stephen Colbert

Quotes for the Week #88

2011-01-31T20:00:00.000-06:00

"The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name... best friend I ever had. We still never talk some times." - Ron Swanson

"OK guys, that's is your fifteen second warning to wrap up your break... I'm looking at you Cleveland, you're supposed to be installing cable in a house, not cheese danishing your mouth." - Tim The Bear

"Sorry, this arctic chill has given me a little tickle in my throat. I've got a homemade remedy, it's one part bourbon... and it really helps." - Stephen Colbert

"I'm also kicking your ass at gloating." - Dr. Gregory House

Quotes for the Week #87

2011-01-01T00:02:00.000-06:00

"Cheers, poopface!" - Kim Skaffilax

"You cheated on me with choreography... and that is the worst kind." - Cameron Tucker

"That was an exquisite briefing, detective.., beautifully enunciated. You are an artiste and briefs, your medium. Though, I suspect you could squeeze into a small if you had to." - Shawn Spencer

"Now you're just being silly. Wolverine's never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

Quotes for the Week #86

2010-11-22T21:15:00.001-06:00

"These are the truths we live by... you can't respect anyone with a French accent, and there is no such thing as upper class mexican food." - Steven

"Only those who risk going to far, find out how far they can go." - Dr. Walter Bishop

"I don't choose my mentees lightly. They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time, the intelligence to understand the challenges they are going to face, the humility to accept my help, and finally, a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. Drive, intelligence, humility, chaos, or the acronym DIHC. I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm gonna take it wherever I can find it." - Jack Donhagey

Quotes for the Week #85

2010-10-09T07:00:00.002-05:00

"Moose Drool is delicious." - Chelsea Waller

"Hmmm... I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence." - Leela

Quotes for the Week #84

2010-08-21T23:58:00.000-05:00

"Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing returns with space poop." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"And folks the system is clearly working. As Retired General Robert Vines says, quote 'because it lacks a synchronizing process... we consequently can't effectively assess whether it is making us more safe', which means it's making us more safe. You see, if our enemies infiltrate our spy networks, they, like us, will have no f#cking idea what is going on. So, I'm calling on Congress to make our intelligence system even larger, with a new agency to monitor our existing agencies, the National Central Homeland Surveillance Bureau of Intelligence Agencies Agency, the NCHSBIAA, or Enchisbiaah, whose great seal features an eagle looking up its own ass." - Stephen Colbert

"The next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was, if something were to ever happen to me... how sad I'd be, you know?" - George 'Gob' Bluth II

"Suck my dick, if I had one. I have to pee." - Lori D.

Quotes for the Week #83

2010-08-06T10:20:00.001-05:00

"United we stand, divided... go f#ck yourself." - Stephen Colbert

Normally, there would just be quotes from this, but the entire segment was worth quoting...

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Alpha Dog of the Week - David H. Brooks

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

2010 Election

Fox News

Quotes for the Week #82

2010-07-24T14:13:00.000-05:00

"Yeah, that's what separates us from the monkeys. That and the armed guards at the zoo. Damn, they've got some sexy monkeys down there." - Glen Quagmire

"I once dated a guy who loved the independence of living on his own, chugging from the carton in the middle of the night. He said the isolation was a trade off he could live with. I thought I'd hit the mother load... Then he told me he was going to clown camp." Marshall Mary Shannon

Quotes for the Week #81

2010-07-10T12:42:00.000-05:00

In response to "I'm not above selling my body." by Zac "Z-Rex" Swanson from Quotes for the Week #79 : "Too bad most people are above buying it." - Kasra "Dr. X" Ramyar

"I am never moving out of my parents' house again." - "Dainty" Bridget Bier$mith

"Mexicans are ethnics?" - Zac "Z-Rex" Swanson

"I think I'm failing psychopharmacology... I thought it was a class about crazy farm animals, ok?" - Troy Barnes

Quotes for the Week #80

2010-07-03T12:47:00.000-05:00

"No, soccer is some swarthy Dutchman rolling around on the field pretending to have a near-fatal stubbed toe." - John Hodgman

"Americans live sports at which they are the best... like basketball and diabetes." - John Hodgman

Quotes for the Week #79

2010-06-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

"I am not above selling my body." - Zac "Z-Rex" Swanson

"Clearly, I'm a fucking charmer." - Zac "Z-Rex" Swanson

Quotes for the Week #78

2010-06-19T10:02:00.000-05:00

"Like birth control. You know, I'm always going to be there for you 99.9 percent of the time." - Chad Ochocinco

"I don't even know how to do this single thing. I end up talking to 21 year olds all the time because they're pretty, and then I talk to them and it's like torture. Talking to a 21 year old is like talking to baby except babies don't have dumb ideas yet." - Tommy Johnagin

"Supercalifragilisticexpiali-suckit, England!" - Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Quote for the Week #77

2010-06-11T14:30:00.001-05:00

"Why would you spend that much money to look nice when you can just get trashed and dress up like a turtle?" - "Dainty" Bridget Biersmith

Quotes for the Week #76

2010-06-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

"Yes, in 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope of the resultant device be bitchin'." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory, which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing. The math would suggest that in a few I'm a clown made of candy but I don't dance." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

Quotes for the Week #75

2010-05-29T07:59:00.000-05:00

"Now, you listen to me, Mr. Grand High Poobah of Upper Buttcrack, I'm just about half-past give a shit with your fun and games." - Delores Claiborne

"I insist that all women who have hysterics in my drawing room call me by my Christian name." - Vera Donovan

"Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray." - Francine Smith

"I don't know, I figure people are entitled to their hobbies and I'm entitled to think those people are creepy." - Raylan Givens

Quotes for the Week #74

2010-05-15T12:21:00.001-05:00

"I'm no good for you right now, Steve. You are so frustrating. I'm gonna go down to Sea World and punch a dolphin in the face." - Francine Smith

"Potassium bromate? This supermarket is trying to kill us. You, potassium bromate, do you know what that is? It is known to induce renal cell tumors, mesotheliomas of the peritoneum. You know what you're putting into our bodies? Death. Delicious strawberry flavored death." - Dr. Walter Bishop

"You know how you feel like when it's Christmas Eve and you want to just go to sleep so you can wake up and open your presents? I just want to go to sleep so I can wake up and open his face." - Quinton "Rampage" Jackson

"I don't really like to say I hate people. Hate is such a strong word. But, I dislike that mother f*cker." - "Sugar" Rashad Evans

Quotes for the Week #73

2010-05-09T11:57:00.000-05:00

"If you want people to put the best face on something, why would you get two people who have probably never cut the face off of anything in their lives?" - Dwight Schrute

"April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen/barbarians away from Swanson Castle, instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face." - Ron Swanson

"So, you know about Paul's act? How do you think we met? Paul won a Jenna Maroney impersonator contest of which I finished fourth." - Jenna Maroney

Quotes for the Week #72

2010-04-30T11:30:00.000-05:00

"Why would a lady get divorced at fifty? Stick it out. Men die first, then you have two wonderful years, then you die." - Liz Lemon

"If God were edible, not that I'm Catholic, but if it was cool to eat God, he'd be a chicken finger." - Troy Barnes

"I see, this has been about me the whole time. You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne, you'd better bring a powerful ass. Oh, and for your information, I don't have an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape." - Jeff Winger

Quotes for the Week #71

2010-04-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

"You bowl like your mama... unless, of course, she bowls well, in which case, you bowl nothing like her." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"Dealing drugs? That's impossible... He, he doesn't have the math skills." - Marge Simpson

Quotes for the Week #70

2010-04-16T11:22:00.000-05:00

"Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention: altar chimps (...) You see, chimps and humans share 96% of their DNA, but, crucially not the four percent that is sexually attractive to priests. I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate, and in the unlikely attempt or an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off." - John Hodgman

"Kyle, this is the way the world works. If you want to find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first." - Eric Cartman

"I believe Senator Kyl is citing the landmark case; Payback v. Bitch." - Stephen Colbert

"Now folks, I mean you really cannot blame the Republicans here, the list of people Obama is considering reads like the lineup at a lesbian, lentil, muffin, co-op, open mic poetry slam." - Stephen Colbert

Quote for the Week #69

2010-04-09T14:37:00.001-05:00

"Hey France, this is John Oliver. I'm confused again. Is it your geese you force feed while having sex with your mistresses, or is it your mistresses you force feed while you have sex with your geese?" - John Oliver

Quotes for the Week #68

2010-04-01T14:26:00.000-05:00

"I'm no stranger to the art of japery. At Princeton, I was in a secret society and, I shouldn't tell you this, but one time, we snuck up to Dartmouth, put their mascot in a box and sent it to Mexico City. We didn't know until the next day that 'it' was an actual Indian. He didn't speak a word of English, like all Dartmouth men." - Jack Donaghey

"That doesn't really describe it. You're more of a 'fun vampire' because you don't suck blood... you just suck." - Troy Barnes

Quotes for the Week #67

2010-03-26T10:50:00.001-05:00

"Oh, right, because you walked into Stripper's Discount Warehouse and said 'help me showcase my intellect'." - Sterling Archer

"To be a spy, you need physical fitness, a facility with languages, a tolerance for exotic foods and the bugs that come with them. But ultimately, there's no greater qualification than the ability to look someone who ruined your life in the eye and say 'let's work together'." - Michael Westin

"A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a fridge starts in a box and then moves to a house." - Demetri Martin

Quotes for the Week #66

2010-03-20T13:11:00.000-05:00

"Whenever I'm sick, it goes away within a few hours. Except once when I was in the hospital from age three to six." - Erin Hannon

"Do you realize if I married a non-Jew, I couldn't go to Rabbinical School? I can go if I'm gay and my lover is Jewish. I can go if I'm single, but I'm not eligible if I marry a beautiful shiksa with blond silky pubes waxed into the shape of a Shamrock." - Andy Botwin

Quotes for the Week #65

2010-03-12T11:11:00.000-06:00

"If you read my blog, you know I'm a Pilates freak... and by Pilates, I mean waffles." - Zach Galifianakis

"Folks, you know I love animals. They're an important part of my favorite sandwiches." - Stephen Colbert

"Every man has a weakness. His, he'll eat a yard of his own shit, before he'll look bad in public." - Jake Green

Quote for the Week #64

2010-03-07T10:44:00.001-06:00

"Having sex with another man is less gay than Irish line dancing." - Dr. Kasra "Kas" Ramyar

Quotes for the Week #63

2010-02-26T12:35:00.000-06:00

"OK, here's what I'm going to do. Tomorrow morning, you'll be served breakfast in bed, like a queen... or a quadriplegic." - Stan Smith

What's Jaegermeister? - "Um, well, you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and the guys start kissing her. Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation." - Phil Dunphy

Quotes for the Week #62

2010-02-19T12:54:00.000-06:00

"What? I can be violent. I scratch." - Bridget "Killa" Biersmith

"When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch and now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch." - Abed

"I'm impressed, Raj. Those are cogent and reasonable conditions. I reject them all." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"That kid's gonna be a star. He's a young 'the Asian guy' from Lost." - Abed

"I am taking myself out of the equation entirely. I scheduled a root canal for February 14th, Jack. I will spend half the day in twilight sleep, then I will go home and watch the Lifetime Original Movie, My Step Son is My Cyber Husband." - Liz Lemon

Quotes for the Week #61

2010-02-12T12:15:00.000-06:00

"It's like a retarded version of Asperger's." - Dr. Kasra "Kas" Ramyar

"This is actually a cause I can relate to. A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, who was bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods... but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun." - Veronica Palmer

Quotes for the Week #60

2010-02-05T09:56:00.001-06:00

"It's hard to keep bridges burned, especially when they keep sending their contractors over onto my shit." - Bobbie "Killa B" Burgee

"I just use my tail to plug my other butt hole." - Bobbie "Killa B" Burgee

"Ah, I love teenage girls. It's all ahead of them, you know. They haven't turned into bitches yet." - Brian Griffin

How to Report the News

2010-01-31T09:54:00.003-06:00

How To Report The News - Watch more Funny Videos

Quotes for the Week #59

2010-01-29T09:52:00.000-06:00

"Why do it mediocre, if you can do it badass?" - Bobbie "Killa B" Burgee

"If my ears are going to be raped, I'm going to be drunk when it happens." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"I think he gained fifteen pounds of douche." - Dr. Andrew Skaff

"Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994." - Tom Haverford

"See, when you open new doors there is a price to pay. Now, imagine tonight, you look under your bed, and lo and behold, you find a monster and you are immediately eaten. Now, if you hadn't looked for the monster, you wouldn't have found him. You'd still be happy in your beds, instead of being slowly digested in the stomach sac of the creature. But with any luck, your sisters or your brothers might have heard your screams and your endeavor will serve as a valuable lesson for them." - Dr. Walter Bishop

Downfall of the Democratic Party

2010-01-28T14:21:00.004-06:00

This is more of The Daily Show's pure hilarity. It is not necessary to watch the entire clip, just start around the 4:45 mark. Aasif Mandvi is comedy gold. Gold!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

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Quotes for the Week #58

2010-01-22T14:00:00.000-06:00

"A new study from Oxford University found that women who carry extra weight around the hips, buttocks and thighs, are at a lower risk for heart disease... probably because they can get so much cardio from constantly backing that thing up. The results were double-checked by some other brothers but they can't deny." - Seth Meyers

"I did this show on MTV once. And MTV is great, they let us do this show and let us make it awesome, however we wanted, and creatively they were so awesome and it was so cool. However, I gotta say some of the shows on the network are not really my cup of tea... mainly because I don't like huge pieces of shit in my tea." - Aziz Ansari

"See, it's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess, it's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurses office because, once again, they glued their balls to their thighs." - Jon Stewart

Quotes for the Week #57

2010-01-15T10:47:00.000-06:00

"Heh, heh, heh. Oh Bart, you say that now but when you're grown up, you'll just think it." - Homer Simpson

"In his family the P is silent. I think they're Dutch. Sounds like their stupid handywork, with their cheeses and their giant propeller buildings." - Veronica Palmer

"So this is guilt, huh? In the past I've always just counteracted this feeling with other emotions like sugar or drunk." - Veronica Palmer

"You're so critical. No wonder I'm afraid to be alone with you. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, like 'you're so critical, no wonder I'm afraid to be alone with you'. Wait, am I dreaming?" - Phil Myman

Quotes for the Week #56

2010-01-08T15:09:00.000-06:00

"The potential for a long lasting light bulb is enormous. In recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third right after hitting things and trying to have sex with them." - Ted

"Linda, listen to yourself. Those are just facts and facts are just opinions and opinions can be wrong. The only thing that is never wrong is confidence. No buts. I brought this upstairs and your failure will be my failure. You can do this, I know you can. Now get in there and run that meeting like a shark driving an assault vehicle through a herd of seals wearing chum pants." - Veronica

"I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles." - Phil

"Yes, and I do not believe a single word I am saying... for me. But for you, maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing under the surface. Maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond, you just get a turd with less direction in life." - Britta

Quotes for the Week #55

2010-01-01T15:40:00.000-06:00

"And you have never once seen me wash my testicles either, but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday." - Charlie Kelly

"So, let me tell you a little lesson, buddy. The cream always rises to the top and I'm about to show the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy." - Charlie Kelly

"This must be how a baby lion feels... when its mom yells at a receptionist to get its medial records." - Phil

"Ugh, he takes the two worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules, and combines them. The whole thing was so confusing I ended up with my own crappy gift back... like I need two copies of 'Over Sixty Vixens'." - Frank Rossitano

Quotes for the Week #54

2009-12-26T12:00:00.000-06:00

"Ray's had it pretty rough lately. First he went crazy from WoW withdrawal and stole my car and then his car broke down when he was driving out of town. Some would call that 'karma', I call it 'getting what you deserve for the actions that you committed'. I wish there was a word for that." - Alex

"Frank, huh? I'm gonna skin that son of a bitch and wear his face. Anyway, what's up?" - Bingo

Quotes for the Week #53

2009-12-18T12:34:00.000-06:00

"The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid, and if he is timid, he has to remind the hitter he's timid." - Don Drysdale

"If this were Russia... yeah, sure, everybody would go to one Santa and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted you would say probably 'freedom'. At which point, the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore." - Michael Scott

"OK, OK, look, don't worry, we're going to have Christmas. We raised our kids right. Whoever did it'll come forward or the other two will rat 'em out." - Phil Dunphy

"Hey, hey hey. Check it out, check it out. Huh, huh? What did I tell you? Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta. It's a law, like water or dinosaurs." - Taco

"What about the civility in our nation in the last ten years? I think this has been a wonderful decade for civility and anyone who disagrees with me can gargle my mansack." - Stephen Colbert

Quotes for the Week #52

2009-12-11T10:40:00.000-06:00

"I want more than your best, Steve. For once, I want you to do... fine." - Stan Smith

"Mac, I'm going to stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me and it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder, because I have a fatty to burn." - Deandre "Sweet Dee" Reynolds

"That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

Quotes for the Week #51

2009-12-04T10:26:00.001-06:00

"You are the one who's shouting, Six. And the louder a man shouts, the more profoundly he's wrong." - Two

"I am brave. Rollercoasters, love em. Scary movies, I've seen Ghostbusters like seven times. I drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So, yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything... except clowns. Never shared that with the fam, so shhh, do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from. My mother says it's because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods. But, who knows?" - Phil Dunphy

"All commands will come through the headphones. Once you've been given to put on the headphones, do not remove them under any circumstances. If you do, you may die a gruesome and horrible death. Thank you for your attention and have a nice day." - Dr. Walter Bishop

"Dude, you have to stop doing this. You keep changing your mind. The dead horse just called and said 'quit beating the shit out of me'." - Nate

"We're trying to give you the Christmas spirit here, dickhole." - Deandre "Sweet Dee" Reynolds

Quotes for the Week #50

2009-11-28T19:32:00.000-06:00

"You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head." - Ron Swanson

"So, you're saying glazed donut is better than yeast infection?" - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"My minifridge? What about my fresh fruit.. flavored toaster cheesecakes?" - Liz Lemon

"There's a fish in nature that swims around with it's babies in it's mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say 'that's messed up'." - Cameron Tucker

Quotes for the Week #49

2009-11-20T13:35:00.000-06:00

"C'mon D.B. I guess the road to stardom is paved with hard knocks and orange assholes." - Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds

"Listen, jerkwad... I'm sorry, that got heated. Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay. So, what's it going to take? You know, a plum parking space, free meals, a night of companionship? If, if you know what I mean." - Dean Pelton

Quotes for the Week #48

2009-11-13T15:08:00.000-06:00

"As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming toward my face, I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids and I have a hovercar and a hoverhouse and my wife is a runner and it shows and Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together and I'm happy and I am rich and I never die. And it doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me." - Michael Scott

"Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac, you're thinking of deer penis." - Dwight Schrute

"I'm not real good with analogies, but Chad's a lot like an asshole." - Phil

"I'd get up to hug you, but sittin' down is the only thing keepin' the poop in." - Evil Monkey

"And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a Mongol, not to be confused with a Mongoloid, like the actor Nicholas Cage." - Mr. Garrison

Quotes for the Week #47

2009-11-06T10:49:00.001-06:00

"Is it true, Mr. Donaghey, that your executives routinely used company helicopters to dry their home tennis courts?" - Devon Banks

"Yes and no. Yes, that did happen and no, it didn't not happen." - Jack Donaghey

"So, you talked to Tammy. What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?" - Ron Swanson

"Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife. I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps, and I was going to do it for you, you son of a bi... alright fine I won't do it." - Dennis Reynolds

Quotes for the Week #46

2009-10-30T13:25:00.001-05:00

"Lemon, this is a financial necessity. Every division of the company is reaching out to the middle of the country. Our new mammogram machine is called the Git R Done 2000." - Jack Donaghey

"As far as I'm concerned, there's only one black hole worth studying... it's called Sagittarius A, it's located in the center of our galaxy and it has the density of forty suns... just like my wiener." - Pierce Hawthorne

"Oh, that is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth." - Dean Pelton

"No one would want to be us right now, and since we are us, it's very difficult." - Phil

"Oh, oh, oh. What about a monkey? Monkeys are like nature's humans." - Charlie Kelly

"I think that history will judge that George W. Bush was a great motivator. After all, he motivated millions to vote for Obama." - Stephen Colbert

"Yes, the insurance companies invented the term 'pre-existing condition' in order to deny us coverage, but they'd like to find some way to stop that. It's like they're punching us in the face and saying 'I wish you didn't have such a punchable face'." - Stephen Colbert

Quotes for the Week #45

2009-10-23T10:40:00.000-05:00

"Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that, but then he got weird." - Leslie Knope

"I need a cocktail. Are we on an airplane? Oh my God, I'm becoming uncomfortably lucid." - Roger

"Right, uh, my good man, now, I'm gonna want the milksteak, boiled over hard and a side of your finest jelly beans, raw." - Charlie Kelly

"The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is I know who Senor Chang is." - Troy

"That's right. We are mature... too mature to sit in a class with a cheating, lying poop face... OK, time to learn some formal greetings." - Senor Chang

"No, I disagree. R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder, not mukduk." - Dwight Schrute

Quotes for the Week #44

2009-10-16T14:26:00.000-05:00

"But if I'm being honest, my problem's less with the fact he's drinking more than he's doing it without me. Then I start thinkin' - 'what's wrong with me, am I not fun to drink with?'" - Charlie Kelly

"Listen, let's be rational. We live in the real world. It's governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There's always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything... I don't understand, did some gypsy put a curse on you when you were a child?" - Adrian Monk

"They are goat-f*@%ers, Jon. Pure and simple, pure and simple. An organization whose sole desire and drive is the pursuit and seduction of goats... for the purpose of f*@king them. Perhaps, Jon, if the facts of a story were scribbled inside the sexual organs of goats, CNN may have more of an interest in checking them. Until that time, if you need a goat f*@ked, CNN will do it." - John Oliver

"Well, Einstein played the violin when he was stuck. I just like to annihilate mutants." - Steve Wassenfelder

"I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core." - Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds

"I've actually been in this situation many times, so I'm just going to be upfront, I'm not allowed to date students... even though you're an eight, which is a British ten." - Duncan

Quotes for the Week #43

2009-10-09T10:35:00.000-05:00

"This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way (...) I'm recycling the trash, to heat the bar, lots of smoke for the bar, giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like (...) Oh, I'm sorry, I could put the trash in a landfill where it's going to stay for a million years, or I can burn it up, get a nice smoky smell in here and let that smoke go into the sky where it turns into stars." - Charlie Kelly

"These are crabs, fresh local Delaware run-off crabs. Yeah, there's a pretty bad sewage run-off, but, you know, crabs is sewage proof." - Charlie Kelley

"On to the matter at hand. We are getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies, with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan. It involves pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple asses and doing a little plowing of our own. Pow! Not gay sex. We're going to solve the gas crisis." - Mac

"Excuse me. Wolverine Origin miniseries issue two, page 22, retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we'd have far fewer of these embarrassing moments." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"No, Robin's deep-seated need for attention can be traced back to her father's emotional distance and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs which is six simple words from her dad 'Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?'" - Barney Stinson

Quotes for the Week #42

2009-10-02T14:15:00.000-05:00

"Seattle loses to the Bears 25-19 and Seahawks' coach, Jim Mora, doesn't just throw Seahawks' kicker, Olindo Mare, under the bus, he summons the entire Greyhound corporation to run over him, back up and do it again." - Bob Ryan

"I swear to God you cannot add a song. I will smack your face off of your face. Do not add a song." - Charlie Kelly

"It's supposed to be Jo-nathan, not John-a-thon. It's like a toilet race around the world." - Mike Wehrman

"Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings." - George Will

"Nothing calls out for corporate compassion, more than a flaming brick through a windowpane filled with puppies." - Jon Stewart

"Physics is my bitch." - Jim Doran

"She throws like a softball bull dyke." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"Is that a scrotum?" - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

Quotes for the Week #41

2009-09-26T11:58:00.000-05:00

"The best sign that Wall Street is back, is the triumphant return of Credit Default Swaps. Now, for those of you who have either forgotten or have had to sell your memories for food, a Credit Default Swap is when a bank bundles all it's loans into a single tradable security. The good loans are supposed to outweigh the bad loans. It's kind of like a 2000-layer lasagna, where only a few of the layers are human feces. But overall malto delicioso." - Stephen Colbert

"I know what happened to my pizza chili chesse fries. That dumpy catcher from the Haircut Hut got them. Now there's a purple haired lesbian running around with dyspepsia that should be mine." - Shawn Spencer

"Jules, it's not important that it was me that saved Lassie's life, or that I was right, or that he should have listened to me from the start because I was right. The important thing is that you are unharmed and that it was because of me and I was right." - Shawn Spencer

"No thanks, Jules. I'm not into the whole motivational Tony Robbins thing. I prefer his brother Baskin." - Shawn Spencer

Quotes for the Week #40

2009-09-19T13:40:00.000-05:00

"Passing the point of no return doesn't just happen. It's a choice that we make, a line we decide to cross and we live with the consequences. There are no promises of a positive outcome, no guarantees that, like Caesar, we'll end up with an empire. All we can really count is that things will change and that we'll have to live with the results. And that's the hard part because we're defined by our past. We can rethink our choices a million times, but what we decide, we own. It becomes a part of who we are. And while we may be crossing the river, our footprints will always remain on the other side." - Maddux Donner

"I'm gonna go to Delaware and try to find a temple on Yom Kippur. If not, I'll find a golf course." - Tony Kornheiser

"A group of Native Americans are trying to force the Washington Redskins to change their name because they find that word offensive. So the team will now be known as the Maryland Redskins." - Conan O'Brien

"Mintz once told me he couldn't remember a single person he saved when he was a surgeon. He could recall cases, diseases, wounds, but he forgot the people. When I asked him why, he said it was simple. There are no lessons to learn from the ones you save, no reason to remember. Lessons are taught by the ones you lose." - Maddux Donner

"I don't think there's ever been a man or a woman without some kind of regret. And that's probably a good thing. Because it's our failures, more than our successes that make us who we are." - Maddux Donner

Quotes for the Week #39

2009-09-11T13:40:00.000-05:00

"The electricity here in the New Jersey air is almost as powerful as the other smells. Bon Jovi returns to it's home state, much like poop returning up into the butt hole. Tonight, this New Jersey stadium will be filled by 80,000 people with 200 steady jobs, as Bon Jovi renders its' rare brand of magic. To get an idea of the Bon Jovi sound, try to imagine Bruce Springstein coming out of my ass." - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (thanks Mike!)

"Of course it's humiliating. Banks is trying to shame me into leaving, but where else am I going to go? I've been sleeping with the Cindy Crawford of corporations for the last twenty-two years. What am I supposed to do, just lie down with some skank like 3M?" - Jack Donaghey

"There was actually a tornado in Cleveland last week. It destroyed an entire city block: three bowling alleys, a liquor store and a liquor store museum." - Floyd

"A drinking contest? What am I twelve and at my boyfriend's frat party?" - Jenna Maroney

Shrute-ism #7

2009-09-05T13:43:00.002-05:00

Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Hahahahahaha. Nah, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Quotes for the Week #38

2009-09-04T08:52:00.002-05:00

"I'm so gassy, I could hump a cat." - "Kimberlina" Ilax Skaff

"He looked Mexican from behind." - "Kimberlina" Ilax Skaff

"I don't think I'm going to make it, Steve. My one regret is... not watching enough television." - Roger

"Madonna is in Israel this week and she's visiting the Wailing Wall... The ancient crumbling structure that thousands of people have stuck things in, said she was glad to be visiting the Wailing Wall.

"Veridian Dyanmics. We're working hard to make your life better, but our competitor, Digivation, wants to ruin your life. Since Digivation was founded fifty years ago, millions have died, millions more have become sad. What's your problem, Digivation? Veridian Dynamics... good. Digivation... bad." - Narrator

"What is this, Dutch Blend? I hate Dutch Blend. And the Dutch too. Those people are lunatics too, with their wooden shoes and their fatty sausages." - Veronica

"While Lem and Phil are looking for a more permanent solution, I'm just trying to keep my office from looking like this girl I used to date. It's a long story, but yes, she looked like a desk with hair." - Ted

Quotes for the Week #37

2009-08-30T08:22:00.003-05:00

"When I needed sales people for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for a big crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that." - Michael Scott

"Dwight, Let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them... blindly. OK? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can." - Michael Scott

"Therein lies the dilemma. This corporation has a very strict 'bros before hos' policy." - Jack Donaghey

"Five million each? That's NBA sexual assault money." - Jack Donaghey

"Gentlemen, token ladies, I have an important announcement. Some of you may or may not recognize the woman standing beside me. Her name is Celeste Cunningham and she is a Democratic Congresswoman from the state of Vermont. She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippie dippie momma, my groovy chick, my old lady. She was our chief adversary in the Sheinhart Wig Hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special and I'm proud of her and I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghey, dammit, and this is my woman." - Jack Donaghey

"I feel for you. Remember that time I came back from the World Economic Forum with mono and missed a week of work and I wanted to pull my hair out but I couldn't because it's too thick? People like us, we need the stress. We're only happy when we're overcoming obstacles. You take that away, we start bouncing off the walls, spend our days jabbering at doormen." - Jack Donaghey

Quotes for the Week #36

2009-08-21T17:00:00.000-05:00

"Women can do anything men can do... except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny... on purpose, reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with." - Daniel Tosh

"So, in just sixteen months, during which Glenn Beck moved from CNN to Fox, you can chart the incredible progress of health care in this country... I'll tell you what really doesn't speak well of our health care system, that in those sixteen months, the hole that they stitched up in Glenn Beck's ass hasn't healed enough for him to stop talking out of it." - Jon Stewart

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken." - Yogi Berra

"The Steiner Brothers were a household name. Harlem Heat were a household name. But, you know what? Garbage is a household name also, and just like garbage, you're both getting old and you stink." - Brother Ray

Washington D.C. Update and Pics

2009-08-20T11:00:00.009-05:00

Here are a few pictures from the (still occurring) trip to Washington D.C.

The Washington Monument just before sunset

Washington Monument from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial

Lincoln
Washington Monument from inside the WWII Memorial

Lincoln Memorial at sunset
The Capitol Building after dusk

The skylight for the underground connection between the East and West Buildings of the National Gallery of Art - Designed by I. M. Pei

National Gallery of Art - East Building

Again

Inside the National Gallery of Art - East Building
National Gallery of Art - East Building ceiling
More National Gallery of Art - East Building
One more

Bonus(?): On the menu of the "restaurant" attached to my hotel the sizes of pizzas were listed as: personal, medium (one tray) and large (two trays). I had to order a medium pizza just to see what was meant by "one tray" (the place served Italian food, but was presumably run entirely by Asian people... weird). Yeah... the pizza was served directly on cafeteria style tray. With the relatively thin crust, I have a feeling it was baked directly on the tray. When it was brought out to the table my thought process was something like - "Hmmm... uh... okay? It is indeed one tray. Is that sanitary? Is it even possible to bake a pizza on a cafeteria tray? Surely they've done this before... they're still open. What the hell." It was alright, nothing special, but I wouldn't order pizza from there again. I apparently was only capable of eating a "half-tray" of pizza that night... I'm glad I didn't order the large (two trays). I would have had about six extra meals for the week, but who wants to eat the same mediocre food THAT many times.

Today: The conference is done (or at least I'm done with it), so I have a half day to myself in D.C. before I head back to KC. On the agenda - an 8-mile walk/jog from the hotel to the Lincoln Memorial, down the National Mall to the Capitol building and back! I can't think of anything that should be more motivating on a run than that scenery and what it represents. Then, I should have time to shower/change and get back out for my tour of The International Spy Museum! Sweet! Thoughts on the conference and more pics will be posted soon (hopefully tomorrow).

UPDATE: I wrote everything before this last night but didn't get around to publishing it, so I'll tack this part on here. (Hey, Dad!) I got up at 5 o'clock to run (eastern - so I guess I got up at 4, but that's a technicality). The route was awesome - from my hotel, which is by the Iwo Jima Memorial, I walked along Arlington Cemetery then crossed the Potomac River. I started the run at the Lincoln Memorial, then along the Reflecting Pool, around the WWII Memorial, Washington Monument, the National Mall (Smithsonian) and then around the Capitol Building Reflecting Pool (which is by the Grant Memorial), then back on the other side of the same route and finsihed by running up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. There, I paid my respects to Mr. Lincoln, and dragged my ass the last 2 miles back across the Potomac to the hotel. Total distance (according to Google Maps) was just about 10 miles in 2 hours 15 minutes. The run part was 4.6 miles in 47 min. My longest distance and likely the most memorable run I will ever have...

Return of Content

2009-08-18T11:00:00.001-05:00

Some times, you just need some time away from writing. Some times you just feel the urge to purge all regular content in order to kind of start over. Blah, blah, blah - here's something that's not a list of quotes or a cop-out post!

In order to kick off my "glorious" return to blogging, here are a few updates to advance/close out some unfinished business and some possible future content.

The "Health Kick" series: I was attempting to drop 32 pounds in six months (by the middle of June - earlier posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5), but I didn't quite make it. I dropped from 232 down to 205, which is pretty damned close. Since then, I've held pretty steady (208 at last check). I'm not too upset with missing the goal though - my resting heart rate has dropped almost 25% (Holy shit, I'm almost in decent shape now!) and had to replace about half of my wardrobe (which probably needed to go anyway).
Running update: As of the last update, I was running on a treadmill and had personal bests for distance at more than the 5k range (5k in 27.5 min) and had my top mile down to under an 8 minutes. Since then, I slacked for a couple months, then started running outside in the KC heat and humidity. As of now, I've pushed back to the 3 mile range (28 min in 85+ degree weather) and had a mile time in the 8:10 range. Running outside is a different ballgame. Breathing is so much more difficult to manage in a non-temperature controlled environment. Unfortunately, after reading Kim's stories about shin-splints, I started feeling the ache in the shins as well(probably partially psychological) and decided to take a little time off before pushing any further and mixing in more elliptical/stationary bike time to try to prevent that type of injury.
Work update: There's some semi-exciting news on this front finally! Right now, I'm writing this update from our nation's capitol, Washington DC, while I have some down time from after completing the second day at the Fall 2009 National Meeting of the American Chemical Society. Last night, I presented some of my work at a poster session. Check it out... if you dare (if it's difficult to see, just download the image and keep zooming in, it's actual size is 40"x54").

The beard: After the monumental Seven Beards in Seven Days series (For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Epilogue, Director's "Cut"), I've been pretty lame. I've only sampled a few different beards, and, surprisingly, I'm currently wearing something not included in the series.
The Royals: A month after writing my annual Royals prediction post, I looked like a genius. They were sitting pretty at 18-11, in first place in the Central with a couple game lead. But then... the shitstorm. Since then, they're 28-61 and have a 5 1/2 game stranglehold on the cellar. Ugh. What the fuck, Royals? Talk about sucking it up.
New content to come: There will be photos (and maybe, eventually, videos)! This summer has included the World Baseball Tour trip to Chicago and Milwaukee and the current D.C. trip - photos are on the way very soon. Oh, and tomorrow I will be attending my 14th Major League Baseball game of the year (in the fourth city!) as the hometown Nationals host the Colorado Rockies - photos to come on that as well. I'm working on a "What Does Andrew Do?" series that may include some videos of how I do some lab work. I think it might be interesting to show what kind of work I actually do in the lab as opposed to the nonsensical-to-the-layperson posters I've posted here before with no translation guides for non-scientists. Plus it would give me a chance to try some video production/editing. It might be fun... It might be more of a pain-in-the-ass than it's worth. But, I'm going to give it a shot.

Quotes for the Week #35

2009-08-13T14:43:00.001-05:00

"Dude, I know you've seen Entrapment at least 26 times. You have to do this. You're twice as limber as C. Zeta-Jones. Gus, we don't have a lot of options here. It's not like we can turn back. Look, it's three lasers... plus they're Canadian lasers. I'm gonna guide you through this. Usain Bolt." - Shawn Spencer

"I've always believed that doors are meant to be opened, that's why they have hinges and knobs. You put up a barrier and some body is going to walk through it. It's human nature to want to know what's on the other side and to ignore the obvious catch... doors are there for a reason." - Maddux Donner

"It's true that some doors are better left unopened. But you usually don't realize it until you're on the other side. We all make mistakes, it comes with the territory. Still no reason to live your life in one room." - Maddux Donner

"The doors we choose to open determine the path of our lives, be they brave, angry, foolish, painful. We're defined by what we do, where we go, and you can't go anywhere without opening the door." - Maddux Donner

"Not Sheldon. Over the years we formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis. I believe one day, Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons." - Howard Wolowitz

"No offense, Randy, but there's a long list of candidates for this slot. The slot is Vice President of Awesome, and you're, like, Assistant Under-Secretary of Only O.K." - Barney Stinson

Quotes for the Week #34

2009-08-08T10:37:00.002-05:00

"Love is like an onion. Then, you peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just... weeping over the sink." - Pete Hornberger

"Bosses. Everybody has one. Without bosses, we'd be like these worms. Disgusting. Bosses make everything better. So, listen to your boss and don't question them. Otherwise, you're no better than a worm. Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Necessary." - Narrator

"Yeah, he'll probably end up some two-bit partisan troll, a shell of his former self. His outward physical appearance slowly reflecting the putrification of his soul. A Harvey Fierstein-esque conservative minstrel rolling from town to town in a rented conversion van. Each day a carbon copy of the last with only the changing of his three gravy stained red speech ties to mark the progression of time. Every sunrise, an incandescent f*ck you from a god that long ago abandoned him.... What were we talking about?" - Jon Stewart

"Never go with a hippie to a second location." - Jack Donaghey

Quotes for the Week #33

2009-08-01T18:44:00.001-05:00

"Prescription: pay for health care by letting people sell their organs. Jon, do you have any idea how much a healthy kidney is worth? $160,000. And we all have two of them, like big fat money bags nestled back here behind the spleen. And what are people doing with them... using them to filter their urine. I say: turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower... of money." - John Hodgman

"Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep. She's interfering with my work. And if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"We've been legally separated since 1989. It's been a nightmare, Lemon. I'm mean, one minute you're newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde, then the next, your lawyers are fighting over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in." - Jack Donaghey

"Hi, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can't tell who they're from. No, I did read the card, but it's not signed. No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess. Well, that is just... Oh, oh, you know what, I found the card, actually they're from your mom. So, tell your gay mom I said thanks." - Liz Lemon

"Look at Steve, living by the sweat of his brow, working hard to earn an honest buck. What a douche." - Roger

"Ah, oh my god. Oh my god, I'm not beloved. I'm hated. I'm surrounded by people who hate me. It's like our wedding all over again... except I'm you." -Stan Smith

"I have to be crazy thin for this wedding. Women I have hated my entire life are coming from around the world to be jealous of me. They're not leaving until they're in tears." - Andrea Belladonna

John Hodgman Saves the US

2009-07-31T10:40:00.002-05:00

In one five minute segment, John Hodgman solves the health care crisis, the housing crisis and fixes the economy. Enjoy.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

You're Welcome - Health Care Reform

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Joke of the Day

Quotes for the Week #32

2009-07-24T10:00:00.000-05:00

"Roger, shut up! The truth is, you're nothing but a worthless sack of fat-ass. You're lazy, you're a chubbo, you lie, you cheat, you eat all our food, you're a drunk, you never wash your wigs, but you strut around like you're Mary Queen of Scots, Brangelina and Jesus all rolled into one. Well you're not. You're a big fat nothing!" - Stan Smith

"The octo-mom says she thinks there's a ghost in her house because she heard a voice say 'mommy'. Of course, as it turns out, it was just the wind whistling through her uterus." - Conan O'Brien

"For the last two decades, the collective imprint the Royals have left on the All-Star Game is comparable to the impact that Northern Ireland has had on the development of reggae." - Will McDonald

"The stimulus money... actually, I will tell you, I'm not supposed to call it stimulus. The message experts in Washington have told us that we're supposed to call it the 'recovery plan', that that works out better with focus groups. I was puzzled by that because I've found most people would rather be stimulated than recovered." - Rep. Barney Frank

"In New York state, a woman accidentally shot herself in the leg at a Taco Bell. Doctors say the bullet went through the woman almost as fast as her meal." - Conan O'Brien

"Kid Rock is coming out with his own brand of beer and it's called 'American Badass'. Apparently, it's delicious... provided you like the taste of ass that's gone bad." - Conan O'Brien

"Oh, that's adorable. You have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche." - Denise ("Jo")

"Listen. Why don't we just leave that position vacant. Truth be told, I think I thrive under lack of accountability." - Michael Scott

"G-Force, it's a 3-D movie. It's one of the most anticipated talking guinea pig movies of the last two years. I train guinea pigs (...) how to do special ops for the government. It's just like the off-Broadway play. And it's fun (...) Well, G-Force is the sequel to The Hangover." - Zach Galifianakis

"It's a boobies picture, Kenneth. And I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction." - Liz Lemon

Schrute-ism #6

2009-07-23T08:30:00.002-05:00

There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

Quotes for the Week #31

2009-07-16T17:00:00.000-05:00

"You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident... I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed 'I am God' during a deposition... and I may have sodomized our former vice president while under the influence of some weapons grade narcotics. It feels good to say that out loud actually, that one was weighing on me." - Jack Donaghey

"That's just good business. I have photos with a lot of people; the Dalai Lama, Rabbi Yosef, Toby Keith." - Jack Donaghey

"You thought the opposite of 'stupid loser' was 'community college graduate'?" - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"You're asking me to keep a secret? Well, I am sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. Secret keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous ticks than a Lyme disease research facility." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"This is like a spring day back in Minnesota, if it weren't for all the taxis and skyscrapers and non-white people." - Marshall Eriksen

"I see it every year... I mean, some clown runs for office, drops out of the race and gets a big chunk of dough. I mean, you have to be a real, low-life piece of shit to get involved in politics." - Frank Reynolds

"We have to convince this guy that we're a legitimate threat to his campaign. There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both." - Frank Reynolds (to his daughter)

Quotes for the Week #30

2009-07-08T11:21:00.000-05:00

"Listen, It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit. There's only one thing we know for sure... it's a god damned gold mine." - Frank Reynolds

"Well, I'll tell you Jim, I was in the back office and I just finished praying on my rosaries, and I was doing some crunches, you know, working on my abs, and that's when I saw it. I thought to myself, that is definitely the mother of our lord. So... if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer, come on down to Paddy's Pub... we got 'em both." - Dennis Reynolds

"It's porn. You know, without the violation, it's just a really boring documentary about pizza boys and housewives." - Det. Eric Delahoy

"You know, I'm given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"There's only three things you'll ever see me fight - a stubborn clasp of a bra, sexual harassment charges... nine for nine, and the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit." - Barney Stinson

"This just in: the job market still sucks." - Mark Haines

Quotes for the Week #29

2009-07-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

"Last night was one of the greatest nights of my whole life. I used to live like this, in squalor, in filth, always trying to get over on people, scamming my way through situations. I want to live like you again, Charlie. I want to be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless. This is the change I've been looking for. I want to move in with you." - Frank Reynolds

"The lady will be having the tasting menu, but with some substitutions. Instead of... any of it, she'll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes." - Jack Donaghey

"What if this experience hasn't changed me. Maybe everything I was feeling for Elisa was just neediness. I mean, can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?" - Jack Donaghey

"People talk too much. People think too much. We're all village idiots enamored with our shadows, oblivious to the setting sun." - Marshall Mary Shannon

In the year 3000... "General Motors will begin selling smarter, more efficient cars... that break down within walking distance of a Toyota dealership." - Conan O'Brien

In the year 3000... "Babies will start listening to dance music when Lady GaGa teams up with the Goo Goo Dolls to form the super group - GaGaGooGoo." - AndyRichter

Quotes for the Week #28

2009-06-24T12:14:00.000-05:00

"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah, half of the crowd had never seen an African American person and the other half had never seen a skinny person." - Conan O'Brien

"My grandma hits harder than you and she's dead." - ODB

"Farrah, the first time I ever saw you, I thought 'oh my god, that is one of the whoriest looking whores I have ever seen in my life' and I've seen a lot of whores, because I'm a rock star and a, you know, I've seen ladies in the front row look at me with that super whory look on their face and you look whorier than all of them. And that really means something." - Norm MacDonald

"Yes, God forbid a Washington bureaucrat replaces my beloved Connecticut insurance bureaucrat, or worse yet that anything replaces the health insurance plan I had before I was 32 and actually qualified for real health insurance. I believe my plan then was called Excedrin PM and Colt 45." - Jon Stewart

"In a recent interview, Heidi Montag said that when she wants advice on something important, she calls Kim Kardashian. Yeah and folks, if you'd like to recreate their conversation at home, hand your phone to a monkey and tell it to call your stapler." - Conan O'Brien

Quotes for the Week #27 BSG Edition

2009-06-18T10:41:00.000-05:00

"Thus will it come to pass. A dying leader will know the truth of the Opera House. The missing three will give you the five who come from the home of the thirteenth. You are the harbinger of death, Kara Thrace. You will lead them all to their end. End of Line." - The Hybrid

"Frak. Clearly my friendship and trust mean frak. And I don't really care if you have to spend the night on your knees praying, or just on your knees. I want a name. I want to know who's responsible for these lies." - President Laura Roslin

"You know where to find me, Felix. In case you were wondering, I will definitely hit a cripple... or anyone else." - Capt. Kara "Starbuck" Thrace

"It sucks... except for the parts that don't." - Galen Tyrol

"I prefer not to rely on others as much as possible. Less chance of being let down that way." - Caprica Six

"There's another force at work here. There always has been. It's undeniable. We've all experienced it. Everyone in this room has witnessed events that they can't fathom, let alone explain away by rational means. Puzzles deciphered in prophecy. Dreams given to a chosen few. Our loved ones, dead, risen. Whether we want to call that God, or Gods, or some sublime inspiration, or a divine force that we can't know or understand. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. It's here. It exists. And our two destinies are entwined in it's force." - Dr. Gaius Baltar

"If that were true, and that's a big if, how do I know this force has our best interests in mind. How do you know that God is on your side, Doctor." - John Cavil

"I don't. God's not any one side. God is a force of nature, beyond good and evil. Good and evil, we created those. You want to break the cycle, break the cycle at birth, death, rebirth, destruction, escape, death. That's in our hands and our hands only. It requires a leap of faith. It requires that we live in hope... not fear." - Dr. Gaius Batar

Quotes for the Week #26

2009-06-08T14:09:00.002-05:00

"Without soda, where are we going to get our daily dose of caffeine, caramel color and glycerol ester of wood rosin?" - Stephen Colbert

"Traditionally, you ladies are expected to be virgins until your magical wedding night, but, come on, let's face it... some of you brides aren't as pure as the driven snow... you're more like the gray slush that get's plowed in the Arby's parking lot." - Stephen Colbert

"He was never picked first for anything. He was never even picked last for anything. A chair got picked before him in dodgeball." - Richard Campbell

"Jesus will return to Earth, but due to the bad economy, will be forced to lay off seven of the twelve apostles." - Andy Richter

"GM will still not understand how to make cars America wants, as evidenced by the debut of the new Chevrolet Scrotum." - Andy Richter

"YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge to form one super time-wasting website called... YouTwitFace." - Conan O'Brien

"My father taught me one lesson. (...) Sometimes I'd go into see him in his study. He'd say, 'the thing you need to know', he said, 'is the Lewis family motto, this will guide you through life.' He said it was on a coat of arms, I don't think we even have one, but anyway. It was - do as little as possible and that unwillingly, for it is better to receive a slight reprimand than perform an arduous task. The correlary to this, was that an awful lot of life's problems solve themselves if you just leave them be... and his children were one of life's problems... and they solved themselves." - Michael Lewis

Quotes for the Week #25

2009-06-03T08:12:00.001-05:00

"You're 87 years old and this is your first offense. What happened? You blow your retirement on strippers and blood thinners?" - Det. Eric Delahoy

"And I definitely would have gone to my reunion, but the boat I was educated on sank." - Jenna Maroney

"If these jagweeds don't want to get to know the nice, new me, then screw them and their rapidly yellowing teeth." - Liz Lemon

"This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes. Now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person." - Michael Scott

"I'm sorry, Lemon. I'm just trying to enjoy Christmas. I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine run by the same company that oversaw Napoleon's exile. She will be treated humanely, but there will be no escape." - Jack Donaghey

"We had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls." - Jack Donaghey

"I once dated a man who taught quantum physics. I learned two things that night. The first being, if you ask a quantum physicist to explain how gravity works... not what it is, how it behaves, how it works, he will first talk himself in circles, then wind up crying and finally, sometime between entree and dessert, call you a bitch and leave. The second revelation came as I sat at the bar in morose solitude, pondering the cantilevered relationship between bartender's gut and lower extremities, and this is important so pay attention, before the big bang, before time itself, before matter, energy, velocity, there existed a single immeasurable state called yearning. This is the special force on a day before there were days obliterated nothing into everything. It is the unseen strings tying planets to stars. Its the maddening want we feel from first breath to last light." - Marshall Mary McCormick

"I have to admit it. I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it, I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt and tonight's show is sponsored by General Motors." - Conan O'Brien

Quotes for the Week #24

2009-05-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

"We're gonna build a new settlement. We'll have a happy new life and we'll have equal rights for all - expect blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims... um everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white white, so no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England and Scotland, but only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhh, America." - Peter Griffin

"There used to be this huge speed bump in the center of town. It was insane, so I decided I wanted to do something about it and I got it lowered two inches. Apparently what I can achieve in government can literally be measured." - Mark Brendanawicz

"Not you, not some stupid piece of paper can stop me from being Wrenchy Bench. Alright. You're going to have to pry that costume from my dead, cold, slightly overweight body. Hahaha, screw you, Brandon." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"Well I'm going to fix this. I'm going to get Kenneth his money back, and for you, I'm going to hit Gavin Volure harder than a bottle of whiskey at an Irish wake." - Jack Donaghey

Quotes for the Week #23

2009-05-19T15:30:00.000-05:00

"Now I know what the founders of Phillip Morris felt like. You just want give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you're just some terrible monster." - Michael Scott

"By the way, is it bad when your urine comes out carbonated?" - Stephen Colbert

"Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching 10th grade English at a New York City school. The network has already begun preparing a spin-off series in which a group of students repeat 10th grade English." - Seth Meyers

"If we were part of the team that confirms string theory we could drink for free in any bar in any college town with a university that has a strong science program." - Rajesh Koothrappali

Quotes for the Week #22

2009-05-11T15:45:00.000-05:00

"Ha, ha, ha, yeah. That's a good little trick, really spooky, I'm so scared. Too bad it's pointless. You can stand there staring at me all night, turn into a big acid drooling monster. I don't care. Cause quality sleep, little lady, comes first, twelve hours a night, five hours a day." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"Dinner's almost ready. I'm doing one of Rachel Ray's thirty minute meals, but I'm saving ten minutes by not being all fake and smiley." - Francine Smith

"I love bachelor parties and I am about to throw a bachelor party that's gonna slap all other bachelor parties in the face with its private parts." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"Well, as a child, I had a prized pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day, I picked up on of her piglets. She went crazy. She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels." - Kenneth Parcell

"I enjoy government functions like getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toed boot. But this hotel always serves bacon wrapped shrimp That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I'd go to a banquet for those Somali pirates if they served bacon wrapped shrimp." - Ron Swanson

"Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey, Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies, America has laughed enough." - Barney Stinson

"Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family, when a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down. Then his mood level will drop... until he pees himself." - Liz Lemon

Quotes for the Week #21

2009-05-03T10:47:00.000-05:00

"Steve look at those kids, they're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere. I mean with your actual legs, not by pressing 'X'." - Roger

"We may not be winners, but we can be spoilers. History is filled with losers who've never won anything themselves, but who ruin the success of others: Ralph Nader, Judas, that kid who pulled scissors on me at the rock, paper, scissors tournament last year, stabbed me bad in the parking lot, ruined my concentration for the whole tourney. Anyway, if we beat Smith's team, it won't save our season, but it will spoil theirs. What do you say? Let's go out there and spoil!" - Roger

"Molina is one of those guys that it would take all day for him to run out of sight." - Ryan Lefebvre

"I wonder some times what he's doing right now. You know, like, what does a gamer do in real life without his computer? Would he start raiding tombs like Lara Croft? He used to watch her run for hours." - Ahmad

"Don't be dissing settings, bro. Settings are why people kiss under the Eiffel Tower and not the Paris Baguette. It's the reason Shakespeare set so many of his plays in Italy. Do you think sparks are going to fly if it's 'The Two Gentlemen of Detroit'?" - Trevor Pierce

Milestone!: Made the 5k My Bitch

2009-04-27T23:47:00.001-05:00

Please pardon the lack of substantive posting. I've been a little down recently amidst a series of random crappy events that somewhat tapped my urge to write much of anything worthwhile. Although I have a backlog of around 10-15 partially assembled posts in a cache (possibly never to be seen by anyone other than myself), I reached an achievement worth bypassing the cache and writing directly for posting.

A few months ago, I started a blog series on this health kick (see earlier posts 1, 2, 3, 4) and my quest to drop 32 pounds in six months. I haven't updated that series in quite some time (although there were two different posts in this often mentioned "cache" no one has ever seen). So here's the quick update - I made it to the halfway point after about eight weeks... when a series of minor injuries took me completely off the exercise schedule for recovery. I managed to hold the same weight from then until about three weeks ago when I restarted the plan. So, now with about eight weeks to go, I have about ten pounds left to reach the goal. I don't think it will be terribly difficult because I haven't tried that hard the last month... my eating habits have slacked, I'm not drinking enough water, blah blah blah... On to the achievement!

Tonight, April 27th, 2009, at approximately 9:45PM, I, Andrew Skaff, completed a 5k (3.1 miles) on a treadmill. Total time elapsed - 27'39", which is just slightly faster than a nine minute per mile pace. Considering I had yet to run more than two miles consecutively prior to today, I can't complain at all about being able to take out the full 3.1 miles. Now that I've cooled down (while writing this post)... I'm going to go pass out.

Quotes for the Week #20

2009-04-27T09:38:00.001-05:00

"Hey, where are my Sno Balls? I was going to go the gym later, so I deserve a treat." - Liz Lemon

"Tommyboy. Let me tell you something, Tom. You suck at Scrabble. You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. And she's a bitch. Her name is Terri Swanson and she's a serious bitch." - Ron Swanson

"I'm not an idiot. I know Tom has been losing to me on purpose. But I like Tom. He doesn't do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He's not a team player. He's never wanting to go the extra mile. Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee." - Ron Swanson

"These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court." - Michael Scott

"Avast there mateys. Do you have a thirst for adventure on the high seas of life? Are you sick and tired of your parents and teachers telling you what to do all the time? Then join Captain Cartman's Perfect Pirate Club, argh. Just imagine it, me hearties, a life without rules, without homework and chores. You can live the pirate life in Somalia, me friends, even Kyle said so. The first official pirate meetin will be four P.M. today at Kevin Stoley's house. There will be refreshments served, so make sure your mom goes to the grocery store, Kevin. So, come one, come all. The invitation is open to any student who wants to be a pirate and who isn't Jewish, Mexican or Ginger. Argh!" - Eric Cartman

"Even Eddie Alvarez knows nothing strengthens a team more jack-booting a wedding with a tactical unit and putting a New York-style hurt on the bride." - Det. Eddie Alvarez

Quotes for the Week #19

2009-04-20T12:30:00.000-05:00

"So few remember that the Boston Tea Party began when George Washington and his ragtag troop of Union soldiers holed up in the Alamo surrounded by Nazis. Luckily, before Napoleon could bring in his Terminator reinforcements, Hannibal saved the Patriot army with his elite corp of elephant men. To this day, we still rally around the cry 'Remember the Ewoks!'." - Stephen Colbert

"I spent a month putting that Roladex on his Blackberry... which he now uses as a nightlight." - Pam Beesly

"How dare you refer to this young lady as your possession. She's my possession. I abducted her fair and square." - Chancellor Dongalor

"Marshall, you're no Lily. Lily is a diabolical puppet master, subtlety manipulating every situation to get exactly what she wants. She's pure evil, Marshall. You've got a good one there. Hang on to her." - Barney Stinson