Quotes for the Week #67

"Oh, right, because you walked into Stripper's Discount Warehouse and said 'help me showcase my intellect'." - Sterling Archer

"To be a spy, you need physical fitness, a facility with languages, a tolerance for exotic foods and the bugs that come with them. But ultimately, there's no greater qualification than the ability to look someone who ruined your life in the eye and say 'let's work together'." - Michael Westin

"A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a fridge starts in a box and then moves to a house." - Demetri Martin

Quotes for the Week #66

"Whenever I'm sick, it goes away within a few hours. Except once when I was in the hospital from age three to six." - Erin Hannon

"Do you realize if I married a non-Jew, I couldn't go to Rabbinical School? I can go if I'm gay and my lover is Jewish. I can go if I'm single, but I'm not eligible if I marry a beautiful shiksa with blond silky pubes waxed into the shape of a Shamrock." - Andy Botwin

Quotes for the Week #65

"If you read my blog, you know I'm a Pilates freak... and by Pilates, I mean waffles." - Zach Galifianakis

"Folks, you know I love animals. They're an important part of my favorite sandwiches." - Stephen Colbert

"Every man has a weakness. His, he'll eat a yard of his own shit, before he'll look bad in public." - Jake Green

Quote for the Week #64

"Having sex with another man is less gay than Irish line dancing." - Dr. Kasra "Kas" Ramyar

Quotes for the Week #63

"OK, here's what I'm going to do. Tomorrow morning, you'll be served breakfast in bed, like a queen... or a quadriplegic." - Stan Smith

What's Jaegermeister? - "Um, well, you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and the guys start kissing her. Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation." - Phil Dunphy

Quotes for the Week #62

"What? I can be violent. I scratch." - Bridget "Killa" Biersmith

"When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch and now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch." - Abed

"I'm impressed, Raj. Those are cogent and reasonable conditions. I reject them all." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"That kid's gonna be a star. He's a young 'the Asian guy' from Lost." - Abed

"I am taking myself out of the equation entirely. I scheduled a root canal for February 14th, Jack. I will spend half the day in twilight sleep, then I will go home and watch the Lifetime Original Movie, My Step Son is My Cyber Husband." - Liz Lemon

Quotes for the Week #61

"It's like a retarded version of Asperger's." - Dr. Kasra "Kas" Ramyar

"This is actually a cause I can relate to. A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, who was bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods... but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun." - Veronica Palmer