"A new study from Oxford University found that women who carry extra weight around the hips, buttocks and thighs, are at a lower risk for heart disease... probably because they can get so much cardio from constantly backing that thing up. The results were double-checked by some other brothers but they can't deny." - Seth Meyers
"I did this show on MTV once. And MTV is great, they let us do this show and let us make it awesome, however we wanted, and creatively they were so awesome and it was so cool. However, I gotta say some of the shows on the network are not really my cup of tea... mainly because I don't like huge pieces of shit in my tea." - Aziz Ansari
"See, it's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess, it's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurses office because, once again, they glued their balls to their thighs." - Jon Stewart
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