"Listen, It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit. There's only one thing we know for sure... it's a god damned gold mine." - Frank Reynolds
"Well, I'll tell you Jim, I was in the back office and I just finished praying on my rosaries, and I was doing some crunches, you know, working on my abs, and that's when I saw it. I thought to myself, that is definitely the mother of our lord. So... if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer, come on down to Paddy's Pub... we got 'em both." - Dennis Reynolds
"It's porn. You know, without the violation, it's just a really boring documentary about pizza boys and housewives." - Det. Eric Delahoy
"You know, I'm given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper
"There's only three things you'll ever see me fight - a stubborn clasp of a bra, sexual harassment charges... nine for nine, and the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit." - Barney Stinson
"This just in: the job market still sucks." - Mark Haines
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Quotes for the Week #29
"Last night was one of the greatest nights of my whole life. I used to live like this, in squalor, in filth, always trying to get over on people, scamming my way through situations. I want to live like you again, Charlie. I want to be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless. This is the change I've been looking for. I want to move in with you." - Frank Reynolds
"The lady will be having the tasting menu, but with some substitutions. Instead of... any of it, she'll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes." - Jack Donaghey
"What if this experience hasn't changed me. Maybe everything I was feeling for Elisa was just neediness. I mean, can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?" - Jack Donaghey
"People talk too much. People think too much. We're all village idiots enamored with our shadows, oblivious to the setting sun." - Marshall Mary Shannon
In the year 3000... "General Motors will begin selling smarter, more efficient cars... that break down within walking distance of a Toyota dealership." - Conan O'Brien
In the year 3000... "Babies will start listening to dance music when Lady GaGa teams up with the Goo Goo Dolls to form the super group - GaGaGooGoo." - AndyRichter
"The lady will be having the tasting menu, but with some substitutions. Instead of... any of it, she'll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes." - Jack Donaghey
"What if this experience hasn't changed me. Maybe everything I was feeling for Elisa was just neediness. I mean, can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?" - Jack Donaghey
"People talk too much. People think too much. We're all village idiots enamored with our shadows, oblivious to the setting sun." - Marshall Mary Shannon
In the year 3000... "General Motors will begin selling smarter, more efficient cars... that break down within walking distance of a Toyota dealership." - Conan O'Brien
In the year 3000... "Babies will start listening to dance music when Lady GaGa teams up with the Goo Goo Dolls to form the super group - GaGaGooGoo." - AndyRichter
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Quotes for the Week #28
"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah, half of the crowd had never seen an African American person and the other half had never seen a skinny person." - Conan O'Brien
"My grandma hits harder than you and she's dead." - ODB
"Farrah, the first time I ever saw you, I thought 'oh my god, that is one of the whoriest looking whores I have ever seen in my life' and I've seen a lot of whores, because I'm a rock star and a, you know, I've seen ladies in the front row look at me with that super whory look on their face and you look whorier than all of them. And that really means something." - Norm MacDonald
"Yes, God forbid a Washington bureaucrat replaces my beloved Connecticut insurance bureaucrat, or worse yet that anything replaces the health insurance plan I had before I was 32 and actually qualified for real health insurance. I believe my plan then was called Excedrin PM and Colt 45." - Jon Stewart
"In a recent interview, Heidi Montag said that when she wants advice on something important, she calls Kim Kardashian. Yeah and folks, if you'd like to recreate their conversation at home, hand your phone to a monkey and tell it to call your stapler." - Conan O'Brien
"My grandma hits harder than you and she's dead." - ODB
"Farrah, the first time I ever saw you, I thought 'oh my god, that is one of the whoriest looking whores I have ever seen in my life' and I've seen a lot of whores, because I'm a rock star and a, you know, I've seen ladies in the front row look at me with that super whory look on their face and you look whorier than all of them. And that really means something." - Norm MacDonald
"Yes, God forbid a Washington bureaucrat replaces my beloved Connecticut insurance bureaucrat, or worse yet that anything replaces the health insurance plan I had before I was 32 and actually qualified for real health insurance. I believe my plan then was called Excedrin PM and Colt 45." - Jon Stewart
"In a recent interview, Heidi Montag said that when she wants advice on something important, she calls Kim Kardashian. Yeah and folks, if you'd like to recreate their conversation at home, hand your phone to a monkey and tell it to call your stapler." - Conan O'Brien
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Quotes for the Week #27 BSG Edition
"Thus will it come to pass. A dying leader will know the truth of the Opera House. The missing three will give you the five who come from the home of the thirteenth. You are the harbinger of death, Kara Thrace. You will lead them all to their end. End of Line." - The Hybrid
"Frak. Clearly my friendship and trust mean frak. And I don't really care if you have to spend the night on your knees praying, or just on your knees. I want a name. I want to know who's responsible for these lies." - President Laura Roslin
"You know where to find me, Felix. In case you were wondering, I will definitely hit a cripple... or anyone else." - Capt. Kara "Starbuck" Thrace
"It sucks... except for the parts that don't." - Galen Tyrol
"I prefer not to rely on others as much as possible. Less chance of being let down that way." - Caprica Six
"There's another force at work here. There always has been. It's undeniable. We've all experienced it. Everyone in this room has witnessed events that they can't fathom, let alone explain away by rational means. Puzzles deciphered in prophecy. Dreams given to a chosen few. Our loved ones, dead, risen. Whether we want to call that God, or Gods, or some sublime inspiration, or a divine force that we can't know or understand. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. It's here. It exists. And our two destinies are entwined in it's force." - Dr. Gaius Baltar
"If that were true, and that's a big if, how do I know this force has our best interests in mind. How do you know that God is on your side, Doctor." - John Cavil
"I don't. God's not any one side. God is a force of nature, beyond good and evil. Good and evil, we created those. You want to break the cycle, break the cycle at birth, death, rebirth, destruction, escape, death. That's in our hands and our hands only. It requires a leap of faith. It requires that we live in hope... not fear." - Dr. Gaius Batar
"Frak. Clearly my friendship and trust mean frak. And I don't really care if you have to spend the night on your knees praying, or just on your knees. I want a name. I want to know who's responsible for these lies." - President Laura Roslin
"You know where to find me, Felix. In case you were wondering, I will definitely hit a cripple... or anyone else." - Capt. Kara "Starbuck" Thrace
"It sucks... except for the parts that don't." - Galen Tyrol
"I prefer not to rely on others as much as possible. Less chance of being let down that way." - Caprica Six
"There's another force at work here. There always has been. It's undeniable. We've all experienced it. Everyone in this room has witnessed events that they can't fathom, let alone explain away by rational means. Puzzles deciphered in prophecy. Dreams given to a chosen few. Our loved ones, dead, risen. Whether we want to call that God, or Gods, or some sublime inspiration, or a divine force that we can't know or understand. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. It's here. It exists. And our two destinies are entwined in it's force." - Dr. Gaius Baltar
"If that were true, and that's a big if, how do I know this force has our best interests in mind. How do you know that God is on your side, Doctor." - John Cavil
"I don't. God's not any one side. God is a force of nature, beyond good and evil. Good and evil, we created those. You want to break the cycle, break the cycle at birth, death, rebirth, destruction, escape, death. That's in our hands and our hands only. It requires a leap of faith. It requires that we live in hope... not fear." - Dr. Gaius Batar
Monday, June 8, 2009
Quotes for the Week #26
"Without soda, where are we going to get our daily dose of caffeine, caramel color and glycerol ester of wood rosin?" - Stephen Colbert
"Traditionally, you ladies are expected to be virgins until your magical wedding night, but, come on, let's face it... some of you brides aren't as pure as the driven snow... you're more like the gray slush that get's plowed in the Arby's parking lot." - Stephen Colbert
"He was never picked first for anything. He was never even picked last for anything. A chair got picked before him in dodgeball." - Richard Campbell
"Jesus will return to Earth, but due to the bad economy, will be forced to lay off seven of the twelve apostles." - Andy Richter
"GM will still not understand how to make cars America wants, as evidenced by the debut of the new Chevrolet Scrotum." - Andy Richter
"YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge to form one super time-wasting website called... YouTwitFace." - Conan O'Brien
"My father taught me one lesson. (...) Sometimes I'd go into see him in his study. He'd say, 'the thing you need to know', he said, 'is the Lewis family motto, this will guide you through life.' He said it was on a coat of arms, I don't think we even have one, but anyway. It was - do as little as possible and that unwillingly, for it is better to receive a slight reprimand than perform an arduous task. The correlary to this, was that an awful lot of life's problems solve themselves if you just leave them be... and his children were one of life's problems... and they solved themselves." - Michael Lewis
"Traditionally, you ladies are expected to be virgins until your magical wedding night, but, come on, let's face it... some of you brides aren't as pure as the driven snow... you're more like the gray slush that get's plowed in the Arby's parking lot." - Stephen Colbert
"He was never picked first for anything. He was never even picked last for anything. A chair got picked before him in dodgeball." - Richard Campbell
"Jesus will return to Earth, but due to the bad economy, will be forced to lay off seven of the twelve apostles." - Andy Richter
"GM will still not understand how to make cars America wants, as evidenced by the debut of the new Chevrolet Scrotum." - Andy Richter
"YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge to form one super time-wasting website called... YouTwitFace." - Conan O'Brien
"My father taught me one lesson. (...) Sometimes I'd go into see him in his study. He'd say, 'the thing you need to know', he said, 'is the Lewis family motto, this will guide you through life.' He said it was on a coat of arms, I don't think we even have one, but anyway. It was - do as little as possible and that unwillingly, for it is better to receive a slight reprimand than perform an arduous task. The correlary to this, was that an awful lot of life's problems solve themselves if you just leave them be... and his children were one of life's problems... and they solved themselves." - Michael Lewis
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Quotes for the Week #25
"You're 87 years old and this is your first offense. What happened? You blow your retirement on strippers and blood thinners?" - Det. Eric Delahoy
"And I definitely would have gone to my reunion, but the boat I was educated on sank." - Jenna Maroney
"If these jagweeds don't want to get to know the nice, new me, then screw them and their rapidly yellowing teeth." - Liz Lemon
"This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes. Now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person." - Michael Scott
"I'm sorry, Lemon. I'm just trying to enjoy Christmas. I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine run by the same company that oversaw Napoleon's exile. She will be treated humanely, but there will be no escape." - Jack Donaghey
"We had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls." - Jack Donaghey
"I once dated a man who taught quantum physics. I learned two things that night. The first being, if you ask a quantum physicist to explain how gravity works... not what it is, how it behaves, how it works, he will first talk himself in circles, then wind up crying and finally, sometime between entree and dessert, call you a bitch and leave. The second revelation came as I sat at the bar in morose solitude, pondering the cantilevered relationship between bartender's gut and lower extremities, and this is important so pay attention, before the big bang, before time itself, before matter, energy, velocity, there existed a single immeasurable state called yearning. This is the special force on a day before there were days obliterated nothing into everything. It is the unseen strings tying planets to stars. Its the maddening want we feel from first breath to last light." - Marshall Mary McCormick
"I have to admit it. I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it, I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt and tonight's show is sponsored by General Motors." - Conan O'Brien
"And I definitely would have gone to my reunion, but the boat I was educated on sank." - Jenna Maroney
"If these jagweeds don't want to get to know the nice, new me, then screw them and their rapidly yellowing teeth." - Liz Lemon
"This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes. Now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person." - Michael Scott
"I'm sorry, Lemon. I'm just trying to enjoy Christmas. I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine run by the same company that oversaw Napoleon's exile. She will be treated humanely, but there will be no escape." - Jack Donaghey
"We had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls." - Jack Donaghey
"I once dated a man who taught quantum physics. I learned two things that night. The first being, if you ask a quantum physicist to explain how gravity works... not what it is, how it behaves, how it works, he will first talk himself in circles, then wind up crying and finally, sometime between entree and dessert, call you a bitch and leave. The second revelation came as I sat at the bar in morose solitude, pondering the cantilevered relationship between bartender's gut and lower extremities, and this is important so pay attention, before the big bang, before time itself, before matter, energy, velocity, there existed a single immeasurable state called yearning. This is the special force on a day before there were days obliterated nothing into everything. It is the unseen strings tying planets to stars. Its the maddening want we feel from first breath to last light." - Marshall Mary McCormick
"I have to admit it. I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it, I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt and tonight's show is sponsored by General Motors." - Conan O'Brien
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Quotes for the Week #24
"We're gonna build a new settlement. We'll have a happy new life and we'll have equal rights for all - expect blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims... um everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white white, so no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England and Scotland, but only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhh, America." - Peter Griffin
"There used to be this huge speed bump in the center of town. It was insane, so I decided I wanted to do something about it and I got it lowered two inches. Apparently what I can achieve in government can literally be measured." - Mark Brendanawicz
"Not you, not some stupid piece of paper can stop me from being Wrenchy Bench. Alright. You're going to have to pry that costume from my dead, cold, slightly overweight body. Hahaha, screw you, Brandon." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki
"Well I'm going to fix this. I'm going to get Kenneth his money back, and for you, I'm going to hit Gavin Volure harder than a bottle of whiskey at an Irish wake." - Jack Donaghey
"There used to be this huge speed bump in the center of town. It was insane, so I decided I wanted to do something about it and I got it lowered two inches. Apparently what I can achieve in government can literally be measured." - Mark Brendanawicz
"Not you, not some stupid piece of paper can stop me from being Wrenchy Bench. Alright. You're going to have to pry that costume from my dead, cold, slightly overweight body. Hahaha, screw you, Brandon." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki
"Well I'm going to fix this. I'm going to get Kenneth his money back, and for you, I'm going to hit Gavin Volure harder than a bottle of whiskey at an Irish wake." - Jack Donaghey
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