Monday, March 30, 2009

Quotes for the Week #16

"You gotta talk a little trash, rattle his cage. Boxing requires focus. You know what it's like? It's like having sex. Right, everything's going good, right? You're getting your groove on, chugging along. In comes the talking, the hints, the tips, the criticizing. The next thing you know you've lost that concentration, you're locked in the bathroom yelling at your own lap." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"At Veridian Dynamics we can even make radishes so spicy that people can't eat them... but we're not because people can't eat them." - Narrator

"Oh, what are all these little plastic containers for? Are you pickling squirrel meat? Cause I can lend you my skull presser." - Kenneth Parcell

"He has marshmallow guns, knives, and coffins in his bowl of Lucky Charms every morning. He's magically malicious." - Det. Ray Carling

"Oh, I know Mr. Jordan like that back of my step-father Ron's hand." - Kenneth Parcell

"Yeah, my daughter is still not my son." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"Causality is my bitch." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Quotes for the Week #15

"Former billionaire Tim Blixseth, who is selling his private island in Turks and Caicos for $75 million. The five acre island features nine bedrooms, a tennis court and a pool - in case you want to take a swim and it's too much trouble to walk in any direction to reach the ocean." - Stephen Colbert

"A 400-pound splash just turned into a 400-pound splat." - Mike Tenay

"Oh, you think that's something? Stand over this heating vent. It's like your junk is on a tropical island." - Marshall Eriksen

"Nobody hears a single word you say, but you keep on talking 'til your dying day." - Robert Plant

Monday, March 16, 2009

Quotes for the Week #14

"And remember the Jon Hamm's John Ham motto: if it feels like a slice of ham, don't wipe your ass with it." - Jon Hamm

"Hello. You are the biggest badass I know. You have hair like the darkest of burros and skin like a dusty path. You are glorious in combat and you shine like the light of a thousand suns. You belong on an eternal pedestal of badassery and all others cower beneath the shadow of your destruction. I want to be more like you. Adios, amigo." - Cortez Emilio Alejandro Jesus Cardinal

"Ted, Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today and you're still the stupidest person at the table." - Lily Aldrin

"Head games aren't going to work on me. Unfortunately for you, I have a photographic memory. For instance... I arrived here yesterday at 7:45 am, at 7:50 am I took a nap, at 2:45 pm I awoke to find you plucking a comically large hair from your baby feeder. I then took my afternoon nap, then I went on break, and then I went home... couldn't sleep a wink... damnedest thing." - Janitor

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Cop Out Post #2

The whole Seven Beards in Seven Days thing kinda sapped my will to write anything meaningful... so here's something amusing to watch instead. Enjoy!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Bonus Material - The Director's Cut

NOTE #1: This is THE final Seven Beards in Seven Days post... I promise!
NOTE #2: Take a second to vote in the poll over on the right. Thanks!

(For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Epilogue)

During the trimming of the sideburns from The Badass Lite down to the Goatee and Scruff, I did sample a few alternate looks. In the end, I opted for clean simple straight sideburns, but what do you think about these sweet sideburns?

This concludes the Seven Beards in Seven Days series. We now return you to an irregularly blog posting schedule.

Coming up... The long overdue post - Health Kick: Part V - Progress Report #2

Monday, March 9, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Epilogue

NOTE: Check out the poll on the right side of the page. It will be up for about a week, so feel free to vote for the best beard in the series.

(For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven)

Well, the epic Seven Beards in Seven Days has been completed. I was worried that I'd slip with the beard trimmer and spoil the carefully developed plan. Luckily, everything went as close to the plan as possible (somehow). My boss either didn't notice or didn't care - If I was supposed to attend a conference or give a departmental seminar that week, I'm sure he would have been pretty annoyed, but I there was nothing of the sort that week.

All in all, I don't think people (who were unaware of the blog series) really noticed that I was doing anything until I came in looking like a badass on Thursday. I did get some funny looks from people while I was out Thursday and Friday. What fun is it to just shave off a beard? It should be an event that everyone can be allowed to appreciate. Right?

I was quite impressed at the change from Day One to Day Seven. I don't think I really even look like the same person (which could be considered a good thing). Check out the side by side comparison...
OK, the whole Seven Beards in Seven Days is officially over, but I'm squeezing out one additional post... with some extra content that will appear tomorrow - beards left on the cutting room floor, a director's cut, if you will. But first, I think there needs to be a poll associated with this series.

Here's the photo list with the names of the beards below. Feel free to vote on the right side of the page for what you thought was the best of the series. For those of you new to this blog, I have two quick things to say - Thanks for visiting! and The posts aren't always about beard related matters... I promise. Thanks again to everyone for checking out the series!

Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Bonus Material - The Director's Cut

Quotes for the Week #13

"Yes, quite so. As you can see I'm holding a big number two in my hands right now, enjoying the weight and feel of it." - Principal Skinner

"As we all know, these are hard times for conservatives, for Republicans. Just three years ago, they controlled the White House and both houses of Congress. Now... they control one-fifth of The View. Well, one-eighth if you go by mass." - Jon Stewart

"Twitter offers real time access to some of our most important leaders and newspeople's least important thoughts 140 characters at a time. It's no wonder young people love it, according to reports about young people by middle-aged people." - Samantha Bee

"I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves." - Jim Halpert

"I'm really not what you'd call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer, but that's only because I took the bar exam in Alaska, and they only have like four laws, and most of them are about when you can and cannot kill... seals. And if it seems like I'm uninterested, it's only because I have no idea why you would like me. I mean you are the most beautiful, perfect, ukulele player I have ever seen. I know that's not saying much because they're usually fat Hawaiians. But still, I think what I'm trying to say is - Stephanie, I would love to go and have coffee with you." - Ted Buckland

"The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to insurance giant AIG. According to AIG officials, $15 billion will be used to build the world's largest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." - Seth Meyers

"What's this, it looks like 'Til Death' has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands. Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so unfathomably ugly and heart-rending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the descriptive powers. Oh, wait a minute, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh no! Dear God, he's going back. Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you they are signing frantically, just as fast as their little fingers can shake the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror." - Racetrack Announcer

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Seven - As Clean As It Gets

(For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six)

Today marks the seventh and final day in Seven Beards in Seven Days. It is also the first time in the last nine years that I have used an actual razor. Let me just say... it was a very strange experience (luckily, I didn't shred the hell out of my face and only ended up with some minor burn). Anyway the scruff is gone and (with the exception of the goateed section) is extremely smooth (strange). While Day Seven may be the final beard in the series... but Seven Beards in Seven Days will continue for two more posts!

Coming up... Quotes for the Week #13 and Seven Beards in Seven Days: Epilogue

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Six - Goatee and Scruff

(For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five)

It's time for "The Badass" look to go away for a while (dammit), but the series must continue! For the sixth day, the sideburns have been trimmed back to a reasonable, more professional-in-appearance length. To this point, nothing but the beard trimmer has been used... but that changes tomorrow. Six down and one to go!

Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Seven - As Clean As It Gets

Friday, March 6, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Five - The Badass Lite

For previous posts see (Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four)

I like the look of Day Four's "The Badass" so much that I had to find a way to keep it (or at least something very similar) around for one more day. The best thing I could think of... trim down the goatee to make a "lite" version of Th Badass. So, for the first time in the Seven Days, the goatee has been attacked by the beard trimmer. It's not as dramatic, but still has a pretty decent uniqueness and contrast effect. While the change from yesterday to today may not look impressive, I assure you that almost an inch of excess hair was removed from the chin.

Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Six - Goatee and Scruff

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Four - The Badass

For previous posts see (Prologue, One, Two, Three)

Today's beard is likely my personal favorite beard that I have ever worn, although it does make me extremely self conscious while wearing it. "The Badass" has the highest degree of difficulty to create but is easily the most distinctive look. I was pretty worried that I would totally screw up the whole Seven Beards in Seven Days thing with just the slightest slip of the hand with the beard trimmer, but I was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief when the look was completed. The look is created by taking a single pass with the guardless beard trimmer directly alongside the goatee line. The sideburns are raised to the jaw line and point magestically toward the goatee, which you can now see is quite long now that my face is somewhat visible (compared to how long it appears to be in the Mountain Man. I considered breaking out the straight razor to really make the negative space even more noticable against the dark facial hair... but I'm assuming that my razor skills are basically non existant at this point (you know, not using one for almost a decade and all), and decided against it. The photos below are some of my favorites of myself... look at me trying to give the appearance of being tough. Hilarious.

Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Five - The Badass Lite

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Three - Old Trusty

So the old beard has gone from "The Mountain Man" to "Controlled Chaos" (Day One, Two), so today is the return to normalcy... the "Old Trusty". My old friend, the standard Dr. Skaff beard, has come home. All but the goatee has been trimmed with a trimmer to uniformity. While the goatee is still somewhat long, it has been shaped (somewhat) with scissors to blend into the trimmed portion of the beard.

Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Four - The Return of... The Badass

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Two - Controlled Chaos

The first permutation of the beard is a cleaning up of The Mountain Man look from Day One. The stragglers have been trimmed away from the cheeks and the beard no longer creeps down the neck (that part has been driving me crazy for the last week or so - I am quite happy in having that removed). While it is still plenty long, some form of order has been established and the beard now has been more clearly defined by use of the trusty beard trimmer. So long Mountain Man, Controlled Chaos is here to stay... for another few hours.

Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Three - Old Trusty

Monday, March 2, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day One - The Mountain Man

Day One of Seven Beards in Seven Days is the simplest possible beard I could have considered and the most obvious starting point for a progression - "The Mountain Man". Basically, I just didn't tend to the beard (at all) for three to four weeks. It's overgrown, ill-defined and pretty much... gross (realistically, it's what all of the male cast members of Lost should have looked like after the first season, but apparently they happened to have found any tool they might have needed for proper grooming). Oh yeah, and damn you Joaquin Phoenix! If he hadn't just been on Letterman, my beard would have looked pretty long. Anyway... tomorrow, the cutting begins.

Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Two - Controlled Chaos

Quotes for the Week #12

"Does it shock you that eighty percent of my encounters with women have been completely without their knowledge?" "Honestly, I'm more surprised by the other twenty percent, Jeff." - Jeff and Chuck Bartowski

"I'd ask how the Cobb Salad was... but I don't care." Dr. Andrew Skaff

"Maybe he had a great cup of coffee or a tremendous bowel movement. The bottom line is your boss is in a good mood, stop analyzing it and just enjoy it." - Dr. James Wilson

"OK. Here's my one time only, expires immediately offer. You tell Carla someone else went after her operatives and we're friends - the kind of friends who don't go bowling, don't go for beers, don't even really speak, but also don't try to kill each other." - Victor

"Time to do what I've never done as principal... something!" - Principal Skinner

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Prologue

After weeks of hype about Seven Beards in Seven Days its finally here. The question most people probably have is... what the hell is Seven Beards in Seven Days and why does that idiot keep plugging something that sounds so ridiculously absurd? The response... (first off - geez, why the harsh tone?) Seven Beards in Seven Days is an expansion on a previous social experiment. I made the realization that it has been nearly nine years since I've used anything other than a trimmer while "shaving". I think the time has come to try something a little different. But what's the point in just shaving? It should be an event... right?

Here is the concept... Monday will kick off a pictorial guide to the process of going from the current state (an unkempt look) to an ordered and at least mostly clean shaven face during the course of a seven day week. Each day will have a (hopefully) noticeably different beard. Since I am working this week, each beard must be acceptable in a work setting (but since I work at a university, pretty much anything symmetrical would be acceptable) and each beard will be worn for approximately 24 hours. Updates will appear on this blog daily throughout the series - so, expect regular, daily posts all week (shocking, right?)!

In preparation for Seven Beards in Seven Days, I was forced to acquire some products I have not had in my arsenal for quite some time. I now own a razor and shaving cream... weird. So, this is happening. Most of the people I hang around with now days will see me without a full beard for the first time ever, and family and old friends will see a semi-clean shaven look for the first time in nearly a decade. Check back tomorrow for the first part of the series.

Coming up... Quotes for the Week #12 and Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day 1