Saturday, December 26, 2009

Quotes for the Week #54

"Ray's had it pretty rough lately. First he went crazy from WoW withdrawal and stole my car and then his car broke down when he was driving out of town. Some would call that 'karma', I call it 'getting what you deserve for the actions that you committed'. I wish there was a word for that." - Alex

"Frank, huh? I'm gonna skin that son of a bitch and wear his face. Anyway, what's up?" - Bingo

Friday, December 18, 2009

Quotes for the Week #53

"The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid, and if he is timid, he has to remind the hitter he's timid." - Don Drysdale

"If this were Russia... yeah, sure, everybody would go to one Santa and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted you would say probably 'freedom'. At which point, the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore." - Michael Scott

"OK, OK, look, don't worry, we're going to have Christmas. We raised our kids right. Whoever did it'll come forward or the other two will rat 'em out." - Phil Dunphy

"Hey, hey hey. Check it out, check it out. Huh, huh? What did I tell you? Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta. It's a law, like water or dinosaurs." - Taco

"What about the civility in our nation in the last ten years? I think this has been a wonderful decade for civility and anyone who disagrees with me can gargle my mansack." - Stephen Colbert

Friday, December 11, 2009

Quotes for the Week #52

"I want more than your best, Steve. For once, I want you to do... fine." - Stan Smith

"Mac, I'm going to stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me and it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder, because I have a fatty to burn." - Deandre "Sweet Dee" Reynolds

"That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

Friday, December 4, 2009

Quotes for the Week #51

"You are the one who's shouting, Six. And the louder a man shouts, the more profoundly he's wrong." - Two

"I am brave. Rollercoasters, love em. Scary movies, I've seen Ghostbusters like seven times. I drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So, yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything... except clowns. Never shared that with the fam, so shhh, do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from. My mother says it's because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods. But, who knows?" - Phil Dunphy

"All commands will come through the headphones. Once you've been given to put on the headphones, do not remove them under any circumstances. If you do, you may die a gruesome and horrible death. Thank you for your attention and have a nice day." - Dr. Walter Bishop

"Dude, you have to stop doing this. You keep changing your mind. The dead horse just called and said 'quit beating the shit out of me'." - Nate

"We're trying to give you the Christmas spirit here, dickhole." - Deandre "Sweet Dee" Reynolds

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Quotes for the Week #50

"You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head." - Ron Swanson

"So, you're saying glazed donut is better than yeast infection?" - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"My minifridge? What about my fresh fruit.. flavored toaster cheesecakes?" - Liz Lemon

"There's a fish in nature that swims around with it's babies in it's mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say 'that's messed up'." - Cameron Tucker

Friday, November 20, 2009

Quotes for the Week #49

"C'mon D.B. I guess the road to stardom is paved with hard knocks and orange assholes." - Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds

"Listen, jerkwad... I'm sorry, that got heated. Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay. So, what's it going to take? You know, a plum parking space, free meals, a night of companionship? If, if you know what I mean." - Dean Pelton

Friday, November 13, 2009

Quotes for the Week #48

"As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming toward my face, I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids and I have a hovercar and a hoverhouse and my wife is a runner and it shows and Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together and I'm happy and I am rich and I never die. And it doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me." - Michael Scott

"Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac, you're thinking of deer penis." - Dwight Schrute

"I'm not real good with analogies, but Chad's a lot like an asshole." - Phil

"I'd get up to hug you, but sittin' down is the only thing keepin' the poop in." - Evil Monkey

"And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a Mongol, not to be confused with a Mongoloid, like the actor Nicholas Cage." - Mr. Garrison

Friday, November 6, 2009

Quotes for the Week #47

"Is it true, Mr. Donaghey, that your executives routinely used company helicopters to dry their home tennis courts?" - Devon Banks

"Yes and no. Yes, that did happen and no, it didn't not happen." - Jack Donaghey

"So, you talked to Tammy. What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?" - Ron Swanson

"Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife. I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps, and I was going to do it for you, you son of a bi... alright fine I won't do it." - Dennis Reynolds

Friday, October 30, 2009

Quotes for the Week #46

"Lemon, this is a financial necessity. Every division of the company is reaching out to the middle of the country. Our new mammogram machine is called the Git R Done 2000." - Jack Donaghey

"As far as I'm concerned, there's only one black hole worth studying... it's called Sagittarius A, it's located in the center of our galaxy and it has the density of forty suns... just like my wiener." - Pierce Hawthorne

"Oh, that is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth." - Dean Pelton

"No one would want to be us right now, and since we are us, it's very difficult." - Phil

"Oh, oh, oh. What about a monkey? Monkeys are like nature's humans." - Charlie Kelly

"I think that history will judge that George W. Bush was a great motivator. After all, he motivated millions to vote for Obama." - Stephen Colbert

"Yes, the insurance companies invented the term 'pre-existing condition' in order to deny us coverage, but they'd like to find some way to stop that. It's like they're punching us in the face and saying 'I wish you didn't have such a punchable face'." - Stephen Colbert

Friday, October 23, 2009

Quotes for the Week #45

"Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that, but then he got weird." - Leslie Knope

"I need a cocktail. Are we on an airplane? Oh my God, I'm becoming uncomfortably lucid." - Roger

"Right, uh, my good man, now, I'm gonna want the milksteak, boiled over hard and a side of your finest jelly beans, raw." - Charlie Kelly

"The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is I know who Senor Chang is." - Troy

"That's right. We are mature... too mature to sit in a class with a cheating, lying poop face... OK, time to learn some formal greetings." - Senor Chang

"No, I disagree. R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder, not mukduk." - Dwight Schrute

Friday, October 16, 2009

Quotes for the Week #44

"But if I'm being honest, my problem's less with the fact he's drinking more than he's doing it without me. Then I start thinkin' - 'what's wrong with me, am I not fun to drink with?'" - Charlie Kelly

"Listen, let's be rational. We live in the real world. It's governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There's always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything... I don't understand, did some gypsy put a curse on you when you were a child?" - Adrian Monk

"They are goat-f*@%ers, Jon. Pure and simple, pure and simple. An organization whose sole desire and drive is the pursuit and seduction of goats... for the purpose of f*@king them. Perhaps, Jon, if the facts of a story were scribbled inside the sexual organs of goats, CNN may have more of an interest in checking them. Until that time, if you need a goat f*@ked, CNN will do it." - John Oliver

"Well, Einstein played the violin when he was stuck. I just like to annihilate mutants." - Steve Wassenfelder

"I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core." - Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds

"I've actually been in this situation many times, so I'm just going to be upfront, I'm not allowed to date students... even though you're an eight, which is a British ten." - Duncan

Friday, October 9, 2009

Quotes for the Week #43

"This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way (...) I'm recycling the trash, to heat the bar, lots of smoke for the bar, giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like (...) Oh, I'm sorry, I could put the trash in a landfill where it's going to stay for a million years, or I can burn it up, get a nice smoky smell in here and let that smoke go into the sky where it turns into stars." - Charlie Kelly

"These are crabs, fresh local Delaware run-off crabs. Yeah, there's a pretty bad sewage run-off, but, you know, crabs is sewage proof." - Charlie Kelley

"On to the matter at hand. We are getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies, with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan. It involves pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple asses and doing a little plowing of our own. Pow! Not gay sex. We're going to solve the gas crisis." - Mac

"Excuse me. Wolverine Origin miniseries issue two, page 22, retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we'd have far fewer of these embarrassing moments." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"No, Robin's deep-seated need for attention can be traced back to her father's emotional distance and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs which is six simple words from her dad 'Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?'" - Barney Stinson

Friday, October 2, 2009

Quotes for the Week #42

"Seattle loses to the Bears 25-19 and Seahawks' coach, Jim Mora, doesn't just throw Seahawks' kicker, Olindo Mare, under the bus, he summons the entire Greyhound corporation to run over him, back up and do it again." - Bob Ryan

"I swear to God you cannot add a song. I will smack your face off of your face. Do not add a song." - Charlie Kelly

"It's supposed to be Jo-nathan, not John-a-thon. It's like a toilet race around the world." - Mike Wehrman

"Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings." - George Will

"Nothing calls out for corporate compassion, more than a flaming brick through a windowpane filled with puppies." - Jon Stewart

"Physics is my bitch." - Jim Doran

"She throws like a softball bull dyke." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"Is that a scrotum?" - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Quotes for the Week #41

"The best sign that Wall Street is back, is the triumphant return of Credit Default Swaps. Now, for those of you who have either forgotten or have had to sell your memories for food, a Credit Default Swap is when a bank bundles all it's loans into a single tradable security. The good loans are supposed to outweigh the bad loans. It's kind of like a 2000-layer lasagna, where only a few of the layers are human feces. But overall malto delicioso." - Stephen Colbert

"I know what happened to my pizza chili chesse fries. That dumpy catcher from the Haircut Hut got them. Now there's a purple haired lesbian running around with dyspepsia that should be mine." - Shawn Spencer

"Jules, it's not important that it was me that saved Lassie's life, or that I was right, or that he should have listened to me from the start because I was right. The important thing is that you are unharmed and that it was because of me and I was right." - Shawn Spencer

"No thanks, Jules. I'm not into the whole motivational Tony Robbins thing. I prefer his brother Baskin." - Shawn Spencer

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Quotes for the Week #40

"Passing the point of no return doesn't just happen. It's a choice that we make, a line we decide to cross and we live with the consequences. There are no promises of a positive outcome, no guarantees that, like Caesar, we'll end up with an empire. All we can really count is that things will change and that we'll have to live with the results. And that's the hard part because we're defined by our past. We can rethink our choices a million times, but what we decide, we own. It becomes a part of who we are. And while we may be crossing the river, our footprints will always remain on the other side." - Maddux Donner

"I'm gonna go to Delaware and try to find a temple on Yom Kippur. If not, I'll find a golf course." - Tony Kornheiser

"A group of Native Americans are trying to force the Washington Redskins to change their name because they find that word offensive. So the team will now be known as the Maryland Redskins." - Conan O'Brien

"Mintz once told me he couldn't remember a single person he saved when he was a surgeon. He could recall cases, diseases, wounds, but he forgot the people. When I asked him why, he said it was simple. There are no lessons to learn from the ones you save, no reason to remember. Lessons are taught by the ones you lose." - Maddux Donner

"I don't think there's ever been a man or a woman without some kind of regret. And that's probably a good thing. Because it's our failures, more than our successes that make us who we are." - Maddux Donner

Friday, September 11, 2009

Quotes for the Week #39

"The electricity here in the New Jersey air is almost as powerful as the other smells. Bon Jovi returns to it's home state, much like poop returning up into the butt hole. Tonight, this New Jersey stadium will be filled by 80,000 people with 200 steady jobs, as Bon Jovi renders its' rare brand of magic. To get an idea of the Bon Jovi sound, try to imagine Bruce Springstein coming out of my ass." - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (thanks Mike!)

"Of course it's humiliating. Banks is trying to shame me into leaving, but where else am I going to go? I've been sleeping with the Cindy Crawford of corporations for the last twenty-two years. What am I supposed to do, just lie down with some skank like 3M?" - Jack Donaghey

"There was actually a tornado in Cleveland last week. It destroyed an entire city block: three bowling alleys, a liquor store and a liquor store museum." - Floyd

"A drinking contest? What am I twelve and at my boyfriend's frat party?" - Jenna Maroney

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Shrute-ism #7

Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Hahahahahaha. Nah, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Quotes for the Week #38

"I'm so gassy, I could hump a cat." - "Kimberlina" Ilax Skaff

"He looked Mexican from behind." - "Kimberlina" Ilax Skaff

"I don't think I'm going to make it, Steve. My one regret is... not watching enough television." - Roger

"Madonna is in Israel this week and she's visiting the Wailing Wall... The ancient crumbling structure that thousands of people have stuck things in, said she was glad to be visiting the Wailing Wall.

"Veridian Dyanmics. We're working hard to make your life better, but our competitor, Digivation, wants to ruin your life. Since Digivation was founded fifty years ago, millions have died, millions more have become sad. What's your problem, Digivation? Veridian Dynamics... good. Digivation... bad." - Narrator

"What is this, Dutch Blend? I hate Dutch Blend. And the Dutch too. Those people are lunatics too, with their wooden shoes and their fatty sausages." - Veronica

"While Lem and Phil are looking for a more permanent solution, I'm just trying to keep my office from looking like this girl I used to date. It's a long story, but yes, she looked like a desk with hair." - Ted

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Quotes for the Week #37

"When I needed sales people for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for a big crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that." - Michael Scott

"Dwight, Let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them... blindly. OK? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can." - Michael Scott

"Therein lies the dilemma. This corporation has a very strict 'bros before hos' policy." - Jack Donaghey

"Five million each? That's NBA sexual assault money." - Jack Donaghey

"Gentlemen, token ladies, I have an important announcement. Some of you may or may not recognize the woman standing beside me. Her name is Celeste Cunningham and she is a Democratic Congresswoman from the state of Vermont. She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippie dippie momma, my groovy chick, my old lady. She was our chief adversary in the Sheinhart Wig Hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special and I'm proud of her and I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghey, dammit, and this is my woman." - Jack Donaghey

"I feel for you. Remember that time I came back from the World Economic Forum with mono and missed a week of work and I wanted to pull my hair out but I couldn't because it's too thick? People like us, we need the stress. We're only happy when we're overcoming obstacles. You take that away, we start bouncing off the walls, spend our days jabbering at doormen." - Jack Donaghey

Friday, August 21, 2009

Quotes for the Week #36

"Women can do anything men can do... except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny... on purpose, reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with." - Daniel Tosh

"So, in just sixteen months, during which Glenn Beck moved from CNN to Fox, you can chart the incredible progress of health care in this country... I'll tell you what really doesn't speak well of our health care system, that in those sixteen months, the hole that they stitched up in Glenn Beck's ass hasn't healed enough for him to stop talking out of it." - Jon Stewart

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken." - Yogi Berra

"The Steiner Brothers were a household name. Harlem Heat were a household name. But, you know what? Garbage is a household name also, and just like garbage, you're both getting old and you stink." - Brother Ray

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Washington D.C. Update and Pics

Here are a few pictures from the (still occurring) trip to Washington D.C.


The Washington Monument just before sunset

Washington Monument from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial

Lincoln
Washington Monument from inside the WWII Memorial

Lincoln Memorial at sunset
The Capitol Building after dusk

The skylight for the underground connection between the East and West Buildings of the National Gallery of Art - Designed by I. M. Pei
National Gallery of Art - East Building
Again


Inside the National Gallery of Art - East Building
National Gallery of Art - East Building ceiling
More National Gallery of Art - East Building
One more
Bonus(?): On the menu of the "restaurant" attached to my hotel the sizes of pizzas were listed as: personal, medium (one tray) and large (two trays). I had to order a medium pizza just to see what was meant by "one tray" (the place served Italian food, but was presumably run entirely by Asian people... weird). Yeah... the pizza was served directly on cafeteria style tray. With the relatively thin crust, I have a feeling it was baked directly on the tray. When it was brought out to the table my thought process was something like - "Hmmm... uh... okay? It is indeed one tray. Is that sanitary? Is it even possible to bake a pizza on a cafeteria tray? Surely they've done this before... they're still open. What the hell." It was alright, nothing special, but I wouldn't order pizza from there again. I apparently was only capable of eating a "half-tray" of pizza that night... I'm glad I didn't order the large (two trays). I would have had about six extra meals for the week, but who wants to eat the same mediocre food THAT many times.

Today: The conference is done (or at least I'm done with it), so I have a half day to myself in D.C. before I head back to KC. On the agenda - an 8-mile walk/jog from the hotel to the Lincoln Memorial, down the National Mall to the Capitol building and back! I can't think of anything that should be more motivating on a run than that scenery and what it represents. Then, I should have time to shower/change and get back out for my tour of The International Spy Museum! Sweet! Thoughts on the conference and more pics will be posted soon (hopefully tomorrow).

UPDATE: I wrote everything before this last night but didn't get around to publishing it, so I'll tack this part on here. (Hey, Dad!) I got up at 5 o'clock to run (eastern - so I guess I got up at 4, but that's a technicality). The route was awesome - from my hotel, which is by the Iwo Jima Memorial, I walked along Arlington Cemetery then crossed the Potomac River. I started the run at the Lincoln Memorial, then along the Reflecting Pool, around the WWII Memorial, Washington Monument, the National Mall (Smithsonian) and then around the Capitol Building Reflecting Pool (which is by the Grant Memorial), then back on the other side of the same route and finsihed by running up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. There, I paid my respects to Mr. Lincoln, and dragged my ass the last 2 miles back across the Potomac to the hotel. Total distance (according to Google Maps) was just about 10 miles in 2 hours 15 minutes. The run part was 4.6 miles in 47 min. My longest distance and likely the most memorable run I will ever have...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Return of Content

Some times, you just need some time away from writing. Some times you just feel the urge to purge all regular content in order to kind of start over. Blah, blah, blah - here's something that's not a list of quotes or a cop-out post!

In order to kick off my "glorious" return to blogging, here are a few updates to advance/close out some unfinished business and some possible future content.
  • The "Health Kick" series: I was attempting to drop 32 pounds in six months (by the middle of June - earlier posts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5), but I didn't quite make it. I dropped from 232 down to 205, which is pretty damned close. Since then, I've held pretty steady (208 at last check). I'm not too upset with missing the goal though - my resting heart rate has dropped almost 25% (Holy shit, I'm almost in decent shape now!) and had to replace about half of my wardrobe (which probably needed to go anyway).
  • Running update: As of the last update, I was running on a treadmill and had personal bests for distance at more than the 5k range (5k in 27.5 min) and had my top mile down to under an 8 minutes. Since then, I slacked for a couple months, then started running outside in the KC heat and humidity. As of now, I've pushed back to the 3 mile range (28 min in 85+ degree weather) and had a mile time in the 8:10 range. Running outside is a different ballgame. Breathing is so much more difficult to manage in a non-temperature controlled environment. Unfortunately, after reading Kim's stories about shin-splints, I started feeling the ache in the shins as well(probably partially psychological) and decided to take a little time off before pushing any further and mixing in more elliptical/stationary bike time to try to prevent that type of injury.
  • Work update: There's some semi-exciting news on this front finally! Right now, I'm writing this update from our nation's capitol, Washington DC, while I have some down time from after completing the second day at the Fall 2009 National Meeting of the American Chemical Society. Last night, I presented some of my work at a poster session. Check it out... if you dare (if it's difficult to see, just download the image and keep zooming in, it's actual size is 40"x54").
  • The beard: After the monumental Seven Beards in Seven Days series (For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Epilogue, Director's "Cut"), I've been pretty lame. I've only sampled a few different beards, and, surprisingly, I'm currently wearing something not included in the series.
  • The Royals: A month after writing my annual Royals prediction post, I looked like a genius. They were sitting pretty at 18-11, in first place in the Central with a couple game lead. But then... the shitstorm. Since then, they're 28-61 and have a 5 1/2 game stranglehold on the cellar. Ugh. What the fuck, Royals? Talk about sucking it up.
  • New content to come: There will be photos (and maybe, eventually, videos)! This summer has included the World Baseball Tour trip to Chicago and Milwaukee and the current D.C. trip - photos are on the way very soon. Oh, and tomorrow I will be attending my 14th Major League Baseball game of the year (in the fourth city!) as the hometown Nationals host the Colorado Rockies - photos to come on that as well. I'm working on a "What Does Andrew Do?" series that may include some videos of how I do some lab work. I think it might be interesting to show what kind of work I actually do in the lab as opposed to the nonsensical-to-the-layperson posters I've posted here before with no translation guides for non-scientists. Plus it would give me a chance to try some video production/editing. It might be fun... It might be more of a pain-in-the-ass than it's worth. But, I'm going to give it a shot.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Quotes for the Week #35

"Dude, I know you've seen Entrapment at least 26 times. You have to do this. You're twice as limber as C. Zeta-Jones. Gus, we don't have a lot of options here. It's not like we can turn back. Look, it's three lasers... plus they're Canadian lasers. I'm gonna guide you through this. Usain Bolt." - Shawn Spencer

"I've always believed that doors are meant to be opened, that's why they have hinges and knobs. You put up a barrier and some body is going to walk through it. It's human nature to want to know what's on the other side and to ignore the obvious catch... doors are there for a reason." - Maddux Donner

"It's true that some doors are better left unopened. But you usually don't realize it until you're on the other side. We all make mistakes, it comes with the territory. Still no reason to live your life in one room." - Maddux Donner

"The doors we choose to open determine the path of our lives, be they brave, angry, foolish, painful. We're defined by what we do, where we go, and you can't go anywhere without opening the door." - Maddux Donner

"Not Sheldon. Over the years we formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis. I believe one day, Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons." - Howard Wolowitz

"No offense, Randy, but there's a long list of candidates for this slot. The slot is Vice President of Awesome, and you're, like, Assistant Under-Secretary of Only O.K." - Barney Stinson

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Quotes for the Week #34

"Love is like an onion. Then, you peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just... weeping over the sink." - Pete Hornberger

"Bosses. Everybody has one. Without bosses, we'd be like these worms. Disgusting. Bosses make everything better. So, listen to your boss and don't question them. Otherwise, you're no better than a worm. Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Necessary." - Narrator

"Yeah, he'll probably end up some two-bit partisan troll, a shell of his former self. His outward physical appearance slowly reflecting the putrification of his soul. A Harvey Fierstein-esque conservative minstrel rolling from town to town in a rented conversion van. Each day a carbon copy of the last with only the changing of his three gravy stained red speech ties to mark the progression of time. Every sunrise, an incandescent f*ck you from a god that long ago abandoned him.... What were we talking about?" - Jon Stewart

"Never go with a hippie to a second location." - Jack Donaghey

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Quotes for the Week #33

"Prescription: pay for health care by letting people sell their organs. Jon, do you have any idea how much a healthy kidney is worth? $160,000. And we all have two of them, like big fat money bags nestled back here behind the spleen. And what are people doing with them... using them to filter their urine. I say: turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower... of money." - John Hodgman

"Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep. She's interfering with my work. And if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"We've been legally separated since 1989. It's been a nightmare, Lemon. I'm mean, one minute you're newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde, then the next, your lawyers are fighting over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in." - Jack Donaghey

"Hi, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can't tell who they're from. No, I did read the card, but it's not signed. No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess. Well, that is just... Oh, oh, you know what, I found the card, actually they're from your mom. So, tell your gay mom I said thanks." - Liz Lemon

"Look at Steve, living by the sweat of his brow, working hard to earn an honest buck. What a douche." - Roger

"Ah, oh my god. Oh my god, I'm not beloved. I'm hated. I'm surrounded by people who hate me. It's like our wedding all over again... except I'm you." -Stan Smith

"I have to be crazy thin for this wedding. Women I have hated my entire life are coming from around the world to be jealous of me. They're not leaving until they're in tears." - Andrea Belladonna

Friday, July 31, 2009

John Hodgman Saves the US

In one five minute segment, John Hodgman solves the health care crisis, the housing crisis and fixes the economy. Enjoy.



The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
You're Welcome - Health Care Reform
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorJoke of the Day

Friday, July 24, 2009

Quotes for the Week #32

"Roger, shut up! The truth is, you're nothing but a worthless sack of fat-ass. You're lazy, you're a chubbo, you lie, you cheat, you eat all our food, you're a drunk, you never wash your wigs, but you strut around like you're Mary Queen of Scots, Brangelina and Jesus all rolled into one. Well you're not. You're a big fat nothing!" - Stan Smith

"The octo-mom says she thinks there's a ghost in her house because she heard a voice say 'mommy'. Of course, as it turns out, it was just the wind whistling through her uterus." - Conan O'Brien

"For the last two decades, the collective imprint the Royals have left on the All-Star Game is comparable to the impact that Northern Ireland has had on the development of reggae." - Will McDonald

"The stimulus money... actually, I will tell you, I'm not supposed to call it stimulus. The message experts in Washington have told us that we're supposed to call it the 'recovery plan', that that works out better with focus groups. I was puzzled by that because I've found most people would rather be stimulated than recovered." - Rep. Barney Frank

"In New York state, a woman accidentally shot herself in the leg at a Taco Bell. Doctors say the bullet went through the woman almost as fast as her meal." - Conan O'Brien

"Kid Rock is coming out with his own brand of beer and it's called 'American Badass'. Apparently, it's delicious... provided you like the taste of ass that's gone bad." - Conan O'Brien

"Oh, that's adorable. You have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche." - Denise ("Jo")

"Listen. Why don't we just leave that position vacant. Truth be told, I think I thrive under lack of accountability." - Michael Scott

"G-Force, it's a 3-D movie. It's one of the most anticipated talking guinea pig movies of the last two years. I train guinea pigs (...) how to do special ops for the government. It's just like the off-Broadway play. And it's fun (...) Well, G-Force is the sequel to The Hangover." - Zach Galifianakis

"It's a boobies picture, Kenneth. And I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction." - Liz Lemon

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Schrute-ism #6

There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Quotes for the Week #31

"You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident... I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed 'I am God' during a deposition... and I may have sodomized our former vice president while under the influence of some weapons grade narcotics. It feels good to say that out loud actually, that one was weighing on me." - Jack Donaghey

"That's just good business. I have photos with a lot of people; the Dalai Lama, Rabbi Yosef, Toby Keith." - Jack Donaghey

"You thought the opposite of 'stupid loser' was 'community college graduate'?" - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"You're asking me to keep a secret? Well, I am sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. Secret keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous ticks than a Lyme disease research facility." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"This is like a spring day back in Minnesota, if it weren't for all the taxis and skyscrapers and non-white people." - Marshall Eriksen

"I see it every year... I mean, some clown runs for office, drops out of the race and gets a big chunk of dough. I mean, you have to be a real, low-life piece of shit to get involved in politics." - Frank Reynolds

"We have to convince this guy that we're a legitimate threat to his campaign. There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both." - Frank Reynolds (to his daughter)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Quotes for the Week #30

"Listen, It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit. There's only one thing we know for sure... it's a god damned gold mine." - Frank Reynolds

"Well, I'll tell you Jim, I was in the back office and I just finished praying on my rosaries, and I was doing some crunches, you know, working on my abs, and that's when I saw it. I thought to myself, that is definitely the mother of our lord. So... if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer, come on down to Paddy's Pub... we got 'em both." - Dennis Reynolds

"It's porn. You know, without the violation, it's just a really boring documentary about pizza boys and housewives." - Det. Eric Delahoy

"You know, I'm given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"There's only three things you'll ever see me fight - a stubborn clasp of a bra, sexual harassment charges... nine for nine, and the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit." - Barney Stinson

"This just in: the job market still sucks." - Mark Haines

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Quotes for the Week #29

"Last night was one of the greatest nights of my whole life. I used to live like this, in squalor, in filth, always trying to get over on people, scamming my way through situations. I want to live like you again, Charlie. I want to be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless. This is the change I've been looking for. I want to move in with you." - Frank Reynolds

"The lady will be having the tasting menu, but with some substitutions. Instead of... any of it, she'll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes." - Jack Donaghey

"What if this experience hasn't changed me. Maybe everything I was feeling for Elisa was just neediness. I mean, can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?" - Jack Donaghey

"People talk too much. People think too much. We're all village idiots enamored with our shadows, oblivious to the setting sun." - Marshall Mary Shannon

In the year 3000... "General Motors will begin selling smarter, more efficient cars... that break down within walking distance of a Toyota dealership." - Conan O'Brien

In the year 3000... "Babies will start listening to dance music when Lady GaGa teams up with the Goo Goo Dolls to form the super group - GaGaGooGoo." - AndyRichter

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Quotes for the Week #28

"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah, half of the crowd had never seen an African American person and the other half had never seen a skinny person." - Conan O'Brien

"My grandma hits harder than you and she's dead." - ODB

"Farrah, the first time I ever saw you, I thought 'oh my god, that is one of the whoriest looking whores I have ever seen in my life' and I've seen a lot of whores, because I'm a rock star and a, you know, I've seen ladies in the front row look at me with that super whory look on their face and you look whorier than all of them. And that really means something." - Norm MacDonald

"Yes, God forbid a Washington bureaucrat replaces my beloved Connecticut insurance bureaucrat, or worse yet that anything replaces the health insurance plan I had before I was 32 and actually qualified for real health insurance. I believe my plan then was called Excedrin PM and Colt 45." - Jon Stewart

"In a recent interview, Heidi Montag said that when she wants advice on something important, she calls Kim Kardashian. Yeah and folks, if you'd like to recreate their conversation at home, hand your phone to a monkey and tell it to call your stapler." - Conan O'Brien

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Quotes for the Week #27 BSG Edition

"Thus will it come to pass. A dying leader will know the truth of the Opera House. The missing three will give you the five who come from the home of the thirteenth. You are the harbinger of death, Kara Thrace. You will lead them all to their end. End of Line." - The Hybrid

"Frak. Clearly my friendship and trust mean frak. And I don't really care if you have to spend the night on your knees praying, or just on your knees. I want a name. I want to know who's responsible for these lies." - President Laura Roslin

"You know where to find me, Felix. In case you were wondering, I will definitely hit a cripple... or anyone else." - Capt. Kara "Starbuck" Thrace

"It sucks... except for the parts that don't." - Galen Tyrol

"I prefer not to rely on others as much as possible. Less chance of being let down that way." - Caprica Six

"There's another force at work here. There always has been. It's undeniable. We've all experienced it. Everyone in this room has witnessed events that they can't fathom, let alone explain away by rational means. Puzzles deciphered in prophecy. Dreams given to a chosen few. Our loved ones, dead, risen. Whether we want to call that God, or Gods, or some sublime inspiration, or a divine force that we can't know or understand. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. It's here. It exists. And our two destinies are entwined in it's force." - Dr. Gaius Baltar

"If that were true, and that's a big if, how do I know this force has our best interests in mind. How do you know that God is on your side, Doctor." - John Cavil

"I don't. God's not any one side. God is a force of nature, beyond good and evil. Good and evil, we created those. You want to break the cycle, break the cycle at birth, death, rebirth, destruction, escape, death. That's in our hands and our hands only. It requires a leap of faith. It requires that we live in hope... not fear." - Dr. Gaius Batar

Monday, June 8, 2009

Quotes for the Week #26

"Without soda, where are we going to get our daily dose of caffeine, caramel color and glycerol ester of wood rosin?" - Stephen Colbert

"Traditionally, you ladies are expected to be virgins until your magical wedding night, but, come on, let's face it... some of you brides aren't as pure as the driven snow... you're more like the gray slush that get's plowed in the Arby's parking lot." - Stephen Colbert

"He was never picked first for anything. He was never even picked last for anything. A chair got picked before him in dodgeball." - Richard Campbell

"Jesus will return to Earth, but due to the bad economy, will be forced to lay off seven of the twelve apostles." - Andy Richter

"GM will still not understand how to make cars America wants, as evidenced by the debut of the new Chevrolet Scrotum." - Andy Richter

"YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge to form one super time-wasting website called... YouTwitFace." - Conan O'Brien

"My father taught me one lesson. (...) Sometimes I'd go into see him in his study. He'd say, 'the thing you need to know', he said, 'is the Lewis family motto, this will guide you through life.' He said it was on a coat of arms, I don't think we even have one, but anyway. It was - do as little as possible and that unwillingly, for it is better to receive a slight reprimand than perform an arduous task. The correlary to this, was that an awful lot of life's problems solve themselves if you just leave them be... and his children were one of life's problems... and they solved themselves." - Michael Lewis

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Quotes for the Week #25

"You're 87 years old and this is your first offense. What happened? You blow your retirement on strippers and blood thinners?" - Det. Eric Delahoy

"And I definitely would have gone to my reunion, but the boat I was educated on sank." - Jenna Maroney

"If these jagweeds don't want to get to know the nice, new me, then screw them and their rapidly yellowing teeth." - Liz Lemon

"This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes. Now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person." - Michael Scott

"I'm sorry, Lemon. I'm just trying to enjoy Christmas. I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine run by the same company that oversaw Napoleon's exile. She will be treated humanely, but there will be no escape." - Jack Donaghey

"We had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls." - Jack Donaghey

"I once dated a man who taught quantum physics. I learned two things that night. The first being, if you ask a quantum physicist to explain how gravity works... not what it is, how it behaves, how it works, he will first talk himself in circles, then wind up crying and finally, sometime between entree and dessert, call you a bitch and leave. The second revelation came as I sat at the bar in morose solitude, pondering the cantilevered relationship between bartender's gut and lower extremities, and this is important so pay attention, before the big bang, before time itself, before matter, energy, velocity, there existed a single immeasurable state called yearning. This is the special force on a day before there were days obliterated nothing into everything. It is the unseen strings tying planets to stars. Its the maddening want we feel from first breath to last light." - Marshall Mary McCormick

"I have to admit it. I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it, I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt and tonight's show is sponsored by General Motors." - Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Quotes for the Week #24

"We're gonna build a new settlement. We'll have a happy new life and we'll have equal rights for all - expect blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims... um everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white white, so no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England and Scotland, but only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhh, America." - Peter Griffin

"There used to be this huge speed bump in the center of town. It was insane, so I decided I wanted to do something about it and I got it lowered two inches. Apparently what I can achieve in government can literally be measured." - Mark Brendanawicz

"Not you, not some stupid piece of paper can stop me from being Wrenchy Bench. Alright. You're going to have to pry that costume from my dead, cold, slightly overweight body. Hahaha, screw you, Brandon." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"Well I'm going to fix this. I'm going to get Kenneth his money back, and for you, I'm going to hit Gavin Volure harder than a bottle of whiskey at an Irish wake." - Jack Donaghey

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Quotes for the Week #23

"Now I know what the founders of Phillip Morris felt like. You just want give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you're just some terrible monster." - Michael Scott

"By the way, is it bad when your urine comes out carbonated?" - Stephen Colbert

"Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching 10th grade English at a New York City school. The network has already begun preparing a spin-off series in which a group of students repeat 10th grade English." - Seth Meyers

"If we were part of the team that confirms string theory we could drink for free in any bar in any college town with a university that has a strong science program." - Rajesh Koothrappali


Monday, May 11, 2009

Quotes for the Week #22

"Ha, ha, ha, yeah. That's a good little trick, really spooky, I'm so scared. Too bad it's pointless. You can stand there staring at me all night, turn into a big acid drooling monster. I don't care. Cause quality sleep, little lady, comes first, twelve hours a night, five hours a day." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"Dinner's almost ready. I'm doing one of Rachel Ray's thirty minute meals, but I'm saving ten minutes by not being all fake and smiley." - Francine Smith

"I love bachelor parties and I am about to throw a bachelor party that's gonna slap all other bachelor parties in the face with its private parts." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"Well, as a child, I had a prized pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day, I picked up on of her piglets. She went crazy. She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels." - Kenneth Parcell

"I enjoy government functions like getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toed boot. But this hotel always serves bacon wrapped shrimp That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I'd go to a banquet for those Somali pirates if they served bacon wrapped shrimp." - Ron Swanson

"Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey, Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies, America has laughed enough." - Barney Stinson

"Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family, when a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down. Then his mood level will drop... until he pees himself." - Liz Lemon

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Quotes for the Week #21

"Steve look at those kids, they're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere. I mean with your actual legs, not by pressing 'X'." - Roger

"We may not be winners, but we can be spoilers. History is filled with losers who've never won anything themselves, but who ruin the success of others: Ralph Nader, Judas, that kid who pulled scissors on me at the rock, paper, scissors tournament last year, stabbed me bad in the parking lot, ruined my concentration for the whole tourney. Anyway, if we beat Smith's team, it won't save our season, but it will spoil theirs. What do you say? Let's go out there and spoil!" - Roger

"Molina is one of those guys that it would take all day for him to run out of sight." - Ryan Lefebvre

"I wonder some times what he's doing right now. You know, like, what does a gamer do in real life without his computer? Would he start raiding tombs like Lara Croft? He used to watch her run for hours." - Ahmad

"Don't be dissing settings, bro. Settings are why people kiss under the Eiffel Tower and not the Paris Baguette. It's the reason Shakespeare set so many of his plays in Italy. Do you think sparks are going to fly if it's 'The Two Gentlemen of Detroit'?" - Trevor Pierce

Monday, April 27, 2009

Milestone!: Made the 5k My Bitch

Please pardon the lack of substantive posting. I've been a little down recently amidst a series of random crappy events that somewhat tapped my urge to write much of anything worthwhile. Although I have a backlog of around 10-15 partially assembled posts in a cache (possibly never to be seen by anyone other than myself), I reached an achievement worth bypassing the cache and writing directly for posting.

A few months ago, I started a blog series on this health kick (see earlier posts 1, 2, 3, 4) and my quest to drop 32 pounds in six months. I haven't updated that series in quite some time (although there were two different posts in this often mentioned "cache" no one has ever seen). So here's the quick update - I made it to the halfway point after about eight weeks... when a series of minor injuries took me completely off the exercise schedule for recovery. I managed to hold the same weight from then until about three weeks ago when I restarted the plan. So, now with about eight weeks to go, I have about ten pounds left to reach the goal. I don't think it will be terribly difficult because I haven't tried that hard the last month... my eating habits have slacked, I'm not drinking enough water, blah blah blah... On to the achievement!

Tonight, April 27th, 2009, at approximately 9:45PM, I, Andrew Skaff, completed a 5k (3.1 miles) on a treadmill. Total time elapsed - 27'39", which is just slightly faster than a nine minute per mile pace. Considering I had yet to run more than two miles consecutively prior to today, I can't complain at all about being able to take out the full 3.1 miles. Now that I've cooled down (while writing this post)... I'm going to go pass out.

Quotes for the Week #20

"Hey, where are my Sno Balls? I was going to go the gym later, so I deserve a treat." - Liz Lemon

"Tommyboy. Let me tell you something, Tom. You suck at Scrabble. You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. And she's a bitch. Her name is Terri Swanson and she's a serious bitch." - Ron Swanson

"I'm not an idiot. I know Tom has been losing to me on purpose. But I like Tom. He doesn't do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He's not a team player. He's never wanting to go the extra mile. Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee." - Ron Swanson

"These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court." - Michael Scott

"Avast there mateys. Do you have a thirst for adventure on the high seas of life? Are you sick and tired of your parents and teachers telling you what to do all the time? Then join Captain Cartman's Perfect Pirate Club, argh. Just imagine it, me hearties, a life without rules, without homework and chores. You can live the pirate life in Somalia, me friends, even Kyle said so. The first official pirate meetin will be four P.M. today at Kevin Stoley's house. There will be refreshments served, so make sure your mom goes to the grocery store, Kevin. So, come one, come all. The invitation is open to any student who wants to be a pirate and who isn't Jewish, Mexican or Ginger. Argh!" - Eric Cartman

"Even Eddie Alvarez knows nothing strengthens a team more jack-booting a wedding with a tactical unit and putting a New York-style hurt on the bride." - Det. Eddie Alvarez

Monday, April 20, 2009

Quotes for the Week #19

"So few remember that the Boston Tea Party began when George Washington and his ragtag troop of Union soldiers holed up in the Alamo surrounded by Nazis. Luckily, before Napoleon could bring in his Terminator reinforcements, Hannibal saved the Patriot army with his elite corp of elephant men. To this day, we still rally around the cry 'Remember the Ewoks!'." - Stephen Colbert

"I spent a month putting that Roladex on his Blackberry... which he now uses as a nightlight." - Pam Beesly

"How dare you refer to this young lady as your possession. She's my possession. I abducted her fair and square." - Chancellor Dongalor

"Marshall, you're no Lily. Lily is a diabolical puppet master, subtlety manipulating every situation to get exactly what she wants. She's pure evil, Marshall. You've got a good one there. Hang on to her." - Barney Stinson

Monday, April 13, 2009

Quotes for the Week #18

"I've never been a kiss-up. It's just not how I operate. I mean, I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work... half-heartedly." - Jim Halpert

"Researchers in Brooklyn have recently developed a drug that is capable of erasing certain memories in animals. This replaces the old way of making animals forget something... waiting five minutes." - Seth Meyers

"I have my dignity. Now, will you please take me to the bathroom." - Lem

"I know what it's like to see the ugly face of discrimination. When I was 16, I was 5'9" and stunning. I mean off the charts gorgeous. At school, I was like a swan among ugly ducklings. All the other girls hated me, and like our light sensors are doing to you, totally ignored me. If it wasn't for the modeling contracts and the comfort of college boys, I don't know if I would have made it." - Veronica

"Well, my door is always open to you. Please close it on the way out." - Veronica

"I'm different than other women, Ted. And by different, I mean better." - Veronica

"I once had a dream that I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich, and let me tell you something, it was delicious. So, the next day, I decided to make that sandwich. And in real life it is disgusting. It is a disgusting sandwich." - Michael Scott

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

2009 Kansas City Royals Preview and Prediction

Finally, after months of waiting, the 2009 Major League Baseball season is upon us. And with that, I feel obligated to write a Royals-centric post.

Here are the five signs of the coming apocalypse... no wait... Here are the five reasons why the Royals can win the AL Central this season!

5. Trending upward - The Dayton Moore GM era has seen the Royals improve in each season under his guidance. The longer he spends here, the more he chips away at the prolonged period of idiocy being the Allard Baird era. The Royals are looking more and more like a franchise instead of a brand new team each year to "see what happens - we can always just start over next year" type of team. That old mentality appears to be long gone. Moore quite obviously has a plan and it is actually exciting watching it develop. The team is improving at all levels and there is realistically only one direction to go and that's up. Last season, the Royals didn't finish last in the division. Now it is time to keep the trend moving in the right direction.

4. Off-season moves - Moore traded away one of the major strengths of the team from the 2009 season in the the form of the solid bullpen for hitting. In order to shift the team's paradigm from just preventing other teams from scoring to just scoring more offensively, Moore traded away Leo Nunez and Ramon "RamRam" Ramirez for Coco Crisp (a legit lead-off hitter) and Mike Jacobs (a pure power hitter). I won't lie - I was worried after these moves. Yes, they look better offensively, but a strong bullpen is an absolute requirement. I should have had some patience because shortly afterward, in a stroke of genius, Moore picks up three relievers - Juan Cruz, Kyle Farnsworth and Doug Waechter - and what looks like a severely weakened bullpen has suddenly become (possibly) even stronger than last season. Moore also did one more thing in the off-season that previous Royals teams never managed to do - re-sign the young talent to long term deals. Zach Greinke and Joakim Soria each signed multi-year deals after having breakout seasons. This, above all else, is proof that Moore is committed to building a long-term competitive franchise.

3. More talent - The Royals actually had to make cuts at the end of Spring Training this season. They had MORE talent than they are allowed to carry on their roster. Typically, just prior to Opening Day, the Royals are deciding how many rookies are going to be filling the ranks of the club to carry the team through this season into next year. This season, they traded their 2008 opening day starter at first base just to clear roster space. The 2009 Royals are a young club but are currently carrying ZERO rookies into opening day. They are young, but not raw. This is an improved team at almost every position through replacement or experience.

2. Better offense/Better pitching = more wins - The 2008 Royals went into the season with two solid starters (Meche/Grienke) and a pretty iffy closer closer Joakim "The Mexicutioner" Soria. This season they have three solid starters (Meche/Grienke/Davies) and slight improvement in the back end of the rotation. The bullpen is anchored by Cruz setting up the on-the-verge-of-being-a-star Soria. On offense, the addition of Coco Crisp as a speedy center fielder/lead-off hitter should result in more runs at the top of the order. Mike Jacobs gives a power tandem with Jose Guillen that opposing pitchers won't be able to work around. Consider this - last season's offensive breakout player, Mike Aviles, will be hitting ninth in the lineup. Amazing! They ARE going to score more runs than last season, the pitching staff should be at least as effective as they were last season. Scoring more runs will almost have to translate to more wins.

1. The analysts are still picking the Royals to finish in the bottom half of the division. Nobody outside of Kansas City expects anything from this team. There's still no pressure on this team from outside the organization. The team can have the mindset that they're out to prove themselves because they know they can win... they don't have to live up to the hype anybody is forcing on to them.

So, why might these five reasons lead to the Royals winning the AL Central this season? The other teams in the division haven't made drastic moves in any direction. The division is basically up for grabs, even by most "expert" opinions. The White Sox took the Central last season with 89 wins. If the Royals' improve by as few as 8-12 more wins over last season, they just might have a shot at the 2009 post season. A ten win improvement isn't absurd, the 2008 Rays improved by an unbelievable 31 wins over their 2007 season. The Royals don't need a fluke season to have a shot this year, it is a very real possibility.



Despite my lofty hopes of the Royals winning the Central this season, I am trying to keep myself and my prediction grounded in reality.

Season prediction: 83-79, 3rd place in the Central

For the record -
Last season's prediction: 76-86
Last season's actual record: 75-87
Not too shabby. Maybe, I just might know what I'm talking about... right?



With that final statement - I am off to "lunch". And by "lunch", I mean I'm going home to watch KC/Chicago opening day game. I love having a job with semi-flexible hours.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Quotes for the Week #17

"Ah, the annual Quahog Star Trek Convention, where once a year, sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight." - Brian Griffin

"I trust you enough to worry about you, but I worry about you enough not to trust you." - Lt. Gene Hunt

"Wow. You two are a match made in a very frightening part of heaven." - Chuck Bartowski

"Lady, how many times does one guy have to crap on your head before you stop wearing it as a hat?" - Det. Ray Carling

"Any idiot can raise a baby which makes you more than qualified." - Gladys

Monday, March 30, 2009

Quotes for the Week #16

"You gotta talk a little trash, rattle his cage. Boxing requires focus. You know what it's like? It's like having sex. Right, everything's going good, right? You're getting your groove on, chugging along. In comes the talking, the hints, the tips, the criticizing. The next thing you know you've lost that concentration, you're locked in the bathroom yelling at your own lap." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"At Veridian Dynamics we can even make radishes so spicy that people can't eat them... but we're not because people can't eat them." - Narrator

"Oh, what are all these little plastic containers for? Are you pickling squirrel meat? Cause I can lend you my skull presser." - Kenneth Parcell

"He has marshmallow guns, knives, and coffins in his bowl of Lucky Charms every morning. He's magically malicious." - Det. Ray Carling

"Oh, I know Mr. Jordan like that back of my step-father Ron's hand." - Kenneth Parcell

"Yeah, my daughter is still not my son." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"Causality is my bitch." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Quotes for the Week #15

"Former billionaire Tim Blixseth, who is selling his private island in Turks and Caicos for $75 million. The five acre island features nine bedrooms, a tennis court and a pool - in case you want to take a swim and it's too much trouble to walk in any direction to reach the ocean." - Stephen Colbert

"A 400-pound splash just turned into a 400-pound splat." - Mike Tenay

"Oh, you think that's something? Stand over this heating vent. It's like your junk is on a tropical island." - Marshall Eriksen

"Nobody hears a single word you say, but you keep on talking 'til your dying day." - Robert Plant

Monday, March 16, 2009

Quotes for the Week #14

"And remember the Jon Hamm's John Ham motto: if it feels like a slice of ham, don't wipe your ass with it." - Jon Hamm

"Hello. You are the biggest badass I know. You have hair like the darkest of burros and skin like a dusty path. You are glorious in combat and you shine like the light of a thousand suns. You belong on an eternal pedestal of badassery and all others cower beneath the shadow of your destruction. I want to be more like you. Adios, amigo." - Cortez Emilio Alejandro Jesus Cardinal

"Ted, Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today and you're still the stupidest person at the table." - Lily Aldrin

"Head games aren't going to work on me. Unfortunately for you, I have a photographic memory. For instance... I arrived here yesterday at 7:45 am, at 7:50 am I took a nap, at 2:45 pm I awoke to find you plucking a comically large hair from your baby feeder. I then took my afternoon nap, then I went on break, and then I went home... couldn't sleep a wink... damnedest thing." - Janitor

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Cop Out Post #2

The whole Seven Beards in Seven Days thing kinda sapped my will to write anything meaningful... so here's something amusing to watch instead. Enjoy!


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Bonus Material - The Director's Cut

NOTE #1: This is THE final Seven Beards in Seven Days post... I promise!
NOTE #2: Take a second to vote in the poll over on the right. Thanks!

(For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Epilogue)

During the trimming of the sideburns from The Badass Lite down to the Goatee and Scruff, I did sample a few alternate looks. In the end, I opted for clean simple straight sideburns, but what do you think about these sweet sideburns?

This concludes the Seven Beards in Seven Days series. We now return you to an irregularly blog posting schedule.



Coming up... The long overdue post - Health Kick: Part V - Progress Report #2

Monday, March 9, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Epilogue

NOTE: Check out the poll on the right side of the page. It will be up for about a week, so feel free to vote for the best beard in the series.

(For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven)

Well, the epic Seven Beards in Seven Days has been completed. I was worried that I'd slip with the beard trimmer and spoil the carefully developed plan. Luckily, everything went as close to the plan as possible (somehow). My boss either didn't notice or didn't care - If I was supposed to attend a conference or give a departmental seminar that week, I'm sure he would have been pretty annoyed, but I there was nothing of the sort that week.

All in all, I don't think people (who were unaware of the blog series) really noticed that I was doing anything until I came in looking like a badass on Thursday. I did get some funny looks from people while I was out Thursday and Friday. What fun is it to just shave off a beard? It should be an event that everyone can be allowed to appreciate. Right?

I was quite impressed at the change from Day One to Day Seven. I don't think I really even look like the same person (which could be considered a good thing). Check out the side by side comparison...
OK, the whole Seven Beards in Seven Days is officially over, but I'm squeezing out one additional post... with some extra content that will appear tomorrow - beards left on the cutting room floor, a director's cut, if you will. But first, I think there needs to be a poll associated with this series.

Here's the photo list with the names of the beards below. Feel free to vote on the right side of the page for what you thought was the best of the series. For those of you new to this blog, I have two quick things to say - Thanks for visiting! and The posts aren't always about beard related matters... I promise. Thanks again to everyone for checking out the series!



Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Bonus Material - The Director's Cut

Quotes for the Week #13

"Yes, quite so. As you can see I'm holding a big number two in my hands right now, enjoying the weight and feel of it." - Principal Skinner

"As we all know, these are hard times for conservatives, for Republicans. Just three years ago, they controlled the White House and both houses of Congress. Now... they control one-fifth of The View. Well, one-eighth if you go by mass." - Jon Stewart

"Twitter offers real time access to some of our most important leaders and newspeople's least important thoughts 140 characters at a time. It's no wonder young people love it, according to reports about young people by middle-aged people." - Samantha Bee

"I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves." - Jim Halpert

"I'm really not what you'd call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer, but that's only because I took the bar exam in Alaska, and they only have like four laws, and most of them are about when you can and cannot kill... seals. And if it seems like I'm uninterested, it's only because I have no idea why you would like me. I mean you are the most beautiful, perfect, ukulele player I have ever seen. I know that's not saying much because they're usually fat Hawaiians. But still, I think what I'm trying to say is - Stephanie, I would love to go and have coffee with you." - Ted Buckland

"The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to insurance giant AIG. According to AIG officials, $15 billion will be used to build the world's largest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." - Seth Meyers

"What's this, it looks like 'Til Death' has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands. Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so unfathomably ugly and heart-rending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the descriptive powers. Oh, wait a minute, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh no! Dear God, he's going back. Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you they are signing frantically, just as fast as their little fingers can shake the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror." - Racetrack Announcer

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Seven - As Clean As It Gets

(For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six)

Today marks the seventh and final day in Seven Beards in Seven Days. It is also the first time in the last nine years that I have used an actual razor. Let me just say... it was a very strange experience (luckily, I didn't shred the hell out of my face and only ended up with some minor burn). Anyway the scruff is gone and (with the exception of the goateed section) is extremely smooth (strange). While Day Seven may be the final beard in the series... but Seven Beards in Seven Days will continue for two more posts!




Coming up... Quotes for the Week #13 and Seven Beards in Seven Days: Epilogue

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Six - Goatee and Scruff

(For previous posts see Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four, Five)

It's time for "The Badass" look to go away for a while (dammit), but the series must continue! For the sixth day, the sideburns have been trimmed back to a reasonable, more professional-in-appearance length. To this point, nothing but the beard trimmer has been used... but that changes tomorrow. Six down and one to go!


Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Seven - As Clean As It Gets

Friday, March 6, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Five - The Badass Lite

For previous posts see (Prologue, One, Two, Three, Four)

I like the look of Day Four's "The Badass" so much that I had to find a way to keep it (or at least something very similar) around for one more day. The best thing I could think of... trim down the goatee to make a "lite" version of Th Badass. So, for the first time in the Seven Days, the goatee has been attacked by the beard trimmer. It's not as dramatic, but still has a pretty decent uniqueness and contrast effect. While the change from yesterday to today may not look impressive, I assure you that almost an inch of excess hair was removed from the chin.







Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Six - Goatee and Scruff

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Four - The Badass

For previous posts see (Prologue, One, Two, Three)

Today's beard is likely my personal favorite beard that I have ever worn, although it does make me extremely self conscious while wearing it. "The Badass" has the highest degree of difficulty to create but is easily the most distinctive look. I was pretty worried that I would totally screw up the whole Seven Beards in Seven Days thing with just the slightest slip of the hand with the beard trimmer, but I was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief when the look was completed. The look is created by taking a single pass with the guardless beard trimmer directly alongside the goatee line. The sideburns are raised to the jaw line and point magestically toward the goatee, which you can now see is quite long now that my face is somewhat visible (compared to how long it appears to be in the Mountain Man. I considered breaking out the straight razor to really make the negative space even more noticable against the dark facial hair... but I'm assuming that my razor skills are basically non existant at this point (you know, not using one for almost a decade and all), and decided against it. The photos below are some of my favorites of myself... look at me trying to give the appearance of being tough. Hilarious.




Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Five - The Badass Lite

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Three - Old Trusty

So the old beard has gone from "The Mountain Man" to "Controlled Chaos" (Day One, Two), so today is the return to normalcy... the "Old Trusty". My old friend, the standard Dr. Skaff beard, has come home. All but the goatee has been trimmed with a trimmer to uniformity. While the goatee is still somewhat long, it has been shaped (somewhat) with scissors to blend into the trimmed portion of the beard.




Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Four - The Return of... The Badass

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Two - Controlled Chaos

The first permutation of the beard is a cleaning up of The Mountain Man look from Day One. The stragglers have been trimmed away from the cheeks and the beard no longer creeps down the neck (that part has been driving me crazy for the last week or so - I am quite happy in having that removed). While it is still plenty long, some form of order has been established and the beard now has been more clearly defined by use of the trusty beard trimmer. So long Mountain Man, Controlled Chaos is here to stay... for another few hours.


Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Three - Old Trusty

Monday, March 2, 2009

Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day One - The Mountain Man

Day One of Seven Beards in Seven Days is the simplest possible beard I could have considered and the most obvious starting point for a progression - "The Mountain Man". Basically, I just didn't tend to the beard (at all) for three to four weeks. It's overgrown, ill-defined and pretty much... gross (realistically, it's what all of the male cast members of Lost should have looked like after the first season, but apparently they happened to have found any tool they might have needed for proper grooming). Oh yeah, and damn you Joaquin Phoenix! If he hadn't just been on Letterman, my beard would have looked pretty long. Anyway... tomorrow, the cutting begins.




Coming up... Seven Beards in Seven Days: Day Two - Controlled Chaos