Friday, January 29, 2010

Quotes for the Week #59

"Why do it mediocre, if you can do it badass?" - Bobbie "Killa B" Burgee

"If my ears are going to be raped, I'm going to be drunk when it happens." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"I think he gained fifteen pounds of douche." - Dr. Andrew Skaff

"Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994." - Tom Haverford

"See, when you open new doors there is a price to pay. Now, imagine tonight, you look under your bed, and lo and behold, you find a monster and you are immediately eaten. Now, if you hadn't looked for the monster, you wouldn't have found him. You'd still be happy in your beds, instead of being slowly digested in the stomach sac of the creature. But with any luck, your sisters or your brothers might have heard your screams and your endeavor will serve as a valuable lesson for them." - Dr. Walter Bishop

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Downfall of the Democratic Party

This is more of The Daily Show's pure hilarity. It is not necessary to watch the entire clip, just start around the 4:45 mark. Aasif Mandvi is comedy gold. Gold!

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Blues Clueless
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Crisis

Friday, January 22, 2010

Quotes for the Week #58

"A new study from Oxford University found that women who carry extra weight around the hips, buttocks and thighs, are at a lower risk for heart disease... probably because they can get so much cardio from constantly backing that thing up. The results were double-checked by some other brothers but they can't deny." - Seth Meyers

"I did this show on MTV once. And MTV is great, they let us do this show and let us make it awesome, however we wanted, and creatively they were so awesome and it was so cool. However, I gotta say some of the shows on the network are not really my cup of tea... mainly because I don't like huge pieces of shit in my tea." - Aziz Ansari

"See, it's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess, it's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurses office because, once again, they glued their balls to their thighs." - Jon Stewart

Friday, January 15, 2010

Quotes for the Week #57

"Heh, heh, heh. Oh Bart, you say that now but when you're grown up, you'll just think it." - Homer Simpson

"In his family the P is silent. I think they're Dutch. Sounds like their stupid handywork, with their cheeses and their giant propeller buildings." - Veronica Palmer

"So this is guilt, huh? In the past I've always just counteracted this feeling with other emotions like sugar or drunk." - Veronica Palmer

"You're so critical. No wonder I'm afraid to be alone with you. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, like 'you're so critical, no wonder I'm afraid to be alone with you'. Wait, am I dreaming?" - Phil Myman

Friday, January 8, 2010

Quotes for the Week #56

"The potential for a long lasting light bulb is enormous. In recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third right after hitting things and trying to have sex with them." - Ted

"Linda, listen to yourself. Those are just facts and facts are just opinions and opinions can be wrong. The only thing that is never wrong is confidence. No buts. I brought this upstairs and your failure will be my failure. You can do this, I know you can. Now get in there and run that meeting like a shark driving an assault vehicle through a herd of seals wearing chum pants." - Veronica

"I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles." - Phil

"Yes, and I do not believe a single word I am saying... for me. But for you, maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing under the surface. Maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond, you just get a turd with less direction in life." - Britta

Friday, January 1, 2010

Quotes for the Week #55

"And you have never once seen me wash my testicles either, but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday." - Charlie Kelly

"So, let me tell you a little lesson, buddy. The cream always rises to the top and I'm about to show the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy." - Charlie Kelly

"This must be how a baby lion feels... when its mom yells at a receptionist to get its medial records." - Phil

"Ugh, he takes the two worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules, and combines them. The whole thing was so confusing I ended up with my own crappy gift back... like I need two copies of 'Over Sixty Vixens'." - Frank Rossitano