Quotes for the Week #41

"The best sign that Wall Street is back, is the triumphant return of Credit Default Swaps. Now, for those of you who have either forgotten or have had to sell your memories for food, a Credit Default Swap is when a bank bundles all it's loans into a single tradable security. The good loans are supposed to outweigh the bad loans. It's kind of like a 2000-layer lasagna, where only a few of the layers are human feces. But overall malto delicioso." - Stephen Colbert

"I know what happened to my pizza chili chesse fries. That dumpy catcher from the Haircut Hut got them. Now there's a purple haired lesbian running around with dyspepsia that should be mine." - Shawn Spencer

"Jules, it's not important that it was me that saved Lassie's life, or that I was right, or that he should have listened to me from the start because I was right. The important thing is that you are unharmed and that it was because of me and I was right." - Shawn Spencer

"No thanks, Jules. I'm not into the whole motivational Tony Robbins thing. I prefer his brother Baskin." - Shawn Spencer

Quotes for the Week #40

"Passing the point of no return doesn't just happen. It's a choice that we make, a line we decide to cross and we live with the consequences. There are no promises of a positive outcome, no guarantees that, like Caesar, we'll end up with an empire. All we can really count is that things will change and that we'll have to live with the results. And that's the hard part because we're defined by our past. We can rethink our choices a million times, but what we decide, we own. It becomes a part of who we are. And while we may be crossing the river, our footprints will always remain on the other side." - Maddux Donner

"I'm gonna go to Delaware and try to find a temple on Yom Kippur. If not, I'll find a golf course." - Tony Kornheiser

"A group of Native Americans are trying to force the Washington Redskins to change their name because they find that word offensive. So the team will now be known as the Maryland Redskins." - Conan O'Brien

"Mintz once told me he couldn't remember a single person he saved when he was a surgeon. He could recall cases, diseases, wounds, but he forgot the people. When I asked him why, he said it was simple. There are no lessons to learn from the ones you save, no reason to remember. Lessons are taught by the ones you lose." - Maddux Donner

"I don't think there's ever been a man or a woman without some kind of regret. And that's probably a good thing. Because it's our failures, more than our successes that make us who we are." - Maddux Donner

Quotes for the Week #39

"The electricity here in the New Jersey air is almost as powerful as the other smells. Bon Jovi returns to it's home state, much like poop returning up into the butt hole. Tonight, this New Jersey stadium will be filled by 80,000 people with 200 steady jobs, as Bon Jovi renders its' rare brand of magic. To get an idea of the Bon Jovi sound, try to imagine Bruce Springstein coming out of my ass." - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (thanks Mike!)

"Of course it's humiliating. Banks is trying to shame me into leaving, but where else am I going to go? I've been sleeping with the Cindy Crawford of corporations for the last twenty-two years. What am I supposed to do, just lie down with some skank like 3M?" - Jack Donaghey

"There was actually a tornado in Cleveland last week. It destroyed an entire city block: three bowling alleys, a liquor store and a liquor store museum." - Floyd

"A drinking contest? What am I twelve and at my boyfriend's frat party?" - Jenna Maroney

Shrute-ism #7

Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Hahahahahaha. Nah, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Quotes for the Week #38

"I'm so gassy, I could hump a cat." - "Kimberlina" Ilax Skaff

"He looked Mexican from behind." - "Kimberlina" Ilax Skaff

"I don't think I'm going to make it, Steve. My one regret is... not watching enough television." - Roger

"Madonna is in Israel this week and she's visiting the Wailing Wall... The ancient crumbling structure that thousands of people have stuck things in, said she was glad to be visiting the Wailing Wall.

"Veridian Dyanmics. We're working hard to make your life better, but our competitor, Digivation, wants to ruin your life. Since Digivation was founded fifty years ago, millions have died, millions more have become sad. What's your problem, Digivation? Veridian Dynamics... good. Digivation... bad." - Narrator

"What is this, Dutch Blend? I hate Dutch Blend. And the Dutch too. Those people are lunatics too, with their wooden shoes and their fatty sausages." - Veronica

"While Lem and Phil are looking for a more permanent solution, I'm just trying to keep my office from looking like this girl I used to date. It's a long story, but yes, she looked like a desk with hair." - Ted