"Without soda, where are we going to get our daily dose of caffeine, caramel color and glycerol ester of wood rosin?" - Stephen Colbert
"Traditionally, you ladies are expected to be virgins until your magical wedding night, but, come on, let's face it... some of you brides aren't as pure as the driven snow... you're more like the gray slush that get's plowed in the Arby's parking lot." - Stephen Colbert
"He was never picked first for anything. He was never even picked last for anything. A chair got picked before him in dodgeball." - Richard Campbell
"Jesus will return to Earth, but due to the bad economy, will be forced to lay off seven of the twelve apostles." - Andy Richter
"GM will still not understand how to make cars America wants, as evidenced by the debut of the new Chevrolet Scrotum." - Andy Richter
"YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge to form one super time-wasting website called... YouTwitFace." - Conan O'Brien
"My father taught me one lesson. (...) Sometimes I'd go into see him in his study. He'd say, 'the thing you need to know', he said, 'is the Lewis family motto, this will guide you through life.' He said it was on a coat of arms, I don't think we even have one, but anyway. It was - do as little as possible and that unwillingly, for it is better to receive a slight reprimand than perform an arduous task. The correlary to this, was that an awful lot of life's problems solve themselves if you just leave them be... and his children were one of life's problems... and they solved themselves." - Michael Lewis
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