Quotes for the Week #25

"You're 87 years old and this is your first offense. What happened? You blow your retirement on strippers and blood thinners?" - Det. Eric Delahoy

"And I definitely would have gone to my reunion, but the boat I was educated on sank." - Jenna Maroney

"If these jagweeds don't want to get to know the nice, new me, then screw them and their rapidly yellowing teeth." - Liz Lemon

"This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes. Now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person." - Michael Scott

"I'm sorry, Lemon. I'm just trying to enjoy Christmas. I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine run by the same company that oversaw Napoleon's exile. She will be treated humanely, but there will be no escape." - Jack Donaghey

"We had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls." - Jack Donaghey

"I once dated a man who taught quantum physics. I learned two things that night. The first being, if you ask a quantum physicist to explain how gravity works... not what it is, how it behaves, how it works, he will first talk himself in circles, then wind up crying and finally, sometime between entree and dessert, call you a bitch and leave. The second revelation came as I sat at the bar in morose solitude, pondering the cantilevered relationship between bartender's gut and lower extremities, and this is important so pay attention, before the big bang, before time itself, before matter, energy, velocity, there existed a single immeasurable state called yearning. This is the special force on a day before there were days obliterated nothing into everything. It is the unseen strings tying planets to stars. Its the maddening want we feel from first breath to last light." - Marshall Mary McCormick

"I have to admit it. I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it, I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt and tonight's show is sponsored by General Motors." - Conan O'Brien