Thursday, July 16, 2009

Quotes for the Week #31

"You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident... I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed 'I am God' during a deposition... and I may have sodomized our former vice president while under the influence of some weapons grade narcotics. It feels good to say that out loud actually, that one was weighing on me." - Jack Donaghey

"That's just good business. I have photos with a lot of people; the Dalai Lama, Rabbi Yosef, Toby Keith." - Jack Donaghey

"You thought the opposite of 'stupid loser' was 'community college graduate'?" - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"You're asking me to keep a secret? Well, I am sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. Secret keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous ticks than a Lyme disease research facility." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"This is like a spring day back in Minnesota, if it weren't for all the taxis and skyscrapers and non-white people." - Marshall Eriksen

"I see it every year... I mean, some clown runs for office, drops out of the race and gets a big chunk of dough. I mean, you have to be a real, low-life piece of shit to get involved in politics." - Frank Reynolds

"We have to convince this guy that we're a legitimate threat to his campaign. There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both." - Frank Reynolds (to his daughter)

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