Quotes for the Week #32

"Roger, shut up! The truth is, you're nothing but a worthless sack of fat-ass. You're lazy, you're a chubbo, you lie, you cheat, you eat all our food, you're a drunk, you never wash your wigs, but you strut around like you're Mary Queen of Scots, Brangelina and Jesus all rolled into one. Well you're not. You're a big fat nothing!" - Stan Smith

"The octo-mom says she thinks there's a ghost in her house because she heard a voice say 'mommy'. Of course, as it turns out, it was just the wind whistling through her uterus." - Conan O'Brien

"For the last two decades, the collective imprint the Royals have left on the All-Star Game is comparable to the impact that Northern Ireland has had on the development of reggae." - Will McDonald

"The stimulus money... actually, I will tell you, I'm not supposed to call it stimulus. The message experts in Washington have told us that we're supposed to call it the 'recovery plan', that that works out better with focus groups. I was puzzled by that because I've found most people would rather be stimulated than recovered." - Rep. Barney Frank

"In New York state, a woman accidentally shot herself in the leg at a Taco Bell. Doctors say the bullet went through the woman almost as fast as her meal." - Conan O'Brien

"Kid Rock is coming out with his own brand of beer and it's called 'American Badass'. Apparently, it's delicious... provided you like the taste of ass that's gone bad." - Conan O'Brien

"Oh, that's adorable. You have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche." - Denise ("Jo")

"Listen. Why don't we just leave that position vacant. Truth be told, I think I thrive under lack of accountability." - Michael Scott

"G-Force, it's a 3-D movie. It's one of the most anticipated talking guinea pig movies of the last two years. I train guinea pigs (...) how to do special ops for the government. It's just like the off-Broadway play. And it's fun (...) Well, G-Force is the sequel to The Hangover." - Zach Galifianakis

"It's a boobies picture, Kenneth. And I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction." - Liz Lemon