Quotes for the Week #46

"Lemon, this is a financial necessity. Every division of the company is reaching out to the middle of the country. Our new mammogram machine is called the Git R Done 2000." - Jack Donaghey

"As far as I'm concerned, there's only one black hole worth studying... it's called Sagittarius A, it's located in the center of our galaxy and it has the density of forty suns... just like my wiener." - Pierce Hawthorne

"Oh, that is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth." - Dean Pelton

"No one would want to be us right now, and since we are us, it's very difficult." - Phil

"Oh, oh, oh. What about a monkey? Monkeys are like nature's humans." - Charlie Kelly

"I think that history will judge that George W. Bush was a great motivator. After all, he motivated millions to vote for Obama." - Stephen Colbert

"Yes, the insurance companies invented the term 'pre-existing condition' in order to deny us coverage, but they'd like to find some way to stop that. It's like they're punching us in the face and saying 'I wish you didn't have such a punchable face'." - Stephen Colbert

Quotes for the Week #45

"Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that, but then he got weird." - Leslie Knope

"I need a cocktail. Are we on an airplane? Oh my God, I'm becoming uncomfortably lucid." - Roger

"Right, uh, my good man, now, I'm gonna want the milksteak, boiled over hard and a side of your finest jelly beans, raw." - Charlie Kelly

"The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is I know who Senor Chang is." - Troy

"That's right. We are mature... too mature to sit in a class with a cheating, lying poop face... OK, time to learn some formal greetings." - Senor Chang

"No, I disagree. R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder, not mukduk." - Dwight Schrute

Quotes for the Week #44

"But if I'm being honest, my problem's less with the fact he's drinking more than he's doing it without me. Then I start thinkin' - 'what's wrong with me, am I not fun to drink with?'" - Charlie Kelly

"Listen, let's be rational. We live in the real world. It's governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There's always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything... I don't understand, did some gypsy put a curse on you when you were a child?" - Adrian Monk

"They are goat-f*@%ers, Jon. Pure and simple, pure and simple. An organization whose sole desire and drive is the pursuit and seduction of goats... for the purpose of f*@king them. Perhaps, Jon, if the facts of a story were scribbled inside the sexual organs of goats, CNN may have more of an interest in checking them. Until that time, if you need a goat f*@ked, CNN will do it." - John Oliver

"Well, Einstein played the violin when he was stuck. I just like to annihilate mutants." - Steve Wassenfelder

"I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core." - Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds

"I've actually been in this situation many times, so I'm just going to be upfront, I'm not allowed to date students... even though you're an eight, which is a British ten." - Duncan

Quotes for the Week #43

"This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way (...) I'm recycling the trash, to heat the bar, lots of smoke for the bar, giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like (...) Oh, I'm sorry, I could put the trash in a landfill where it's going to stay for a million years, or I can burn it up, get a nice smoky smell in here and let that smoke go into the sky where it turns into stars." - Charlie Kelly

"These are crabs, fresh local Delaware run-off crabs. Yeah, there's a pretty bad sewage run-off, but, you know, crabs is sewage proof." - Charlie Kelley

"On to the matter at hand. We are getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies, with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan. It involves pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple asses and doing a little plowing of our own. Pow! Not gay sex. We're going to solve the gas crisis." - Mac

"Excuse me. Wolverine Origin miniseries issue two, page 22, retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we'd have far fewer of these embarrassing moments." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"No, Robin's deep-seated need for attention can be traced back to her father's emotional distance and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs which is six simple words from her dad 'Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?'" - Barney Stinson

Quotes for the Week #42

"Seattle loses to the Bears 25-19 and Seahawks' coach, Jim Mora, doesn't just throw Seahawks' kicker, Olindo Mare, under the bus, he summons the entire Greyhound corporation to run over him, back up and do it again." - Bob Ryan

"I swear to God you cannot add a song. I will smack your face off of your face. Do not add a song." - Charlie Kelly

"It's supposed to be Jo-nathan, not John-a-thon. It's like a toilet race around the world." - Mike Wehrman

"Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings." - George Will

"Nothing calls out for corporate compassion, more than a flaming brick through a windowpane filled with puppies." - Jon Stewart

"Physics is my bitch." - Jim Doran

"She throws like a softball bull dyke." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"Is that a scrotum?" - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney