Quotes for the Week #72

"Why would a lady get divorced at fifty? Stick it out. Men die first, then you have two wonderful years, then you die." - Liz Lemon

"If God were edible, not that I'm Catholic, but if it was cool to eat God, he'd be a chicken finger." - Troy Barnes

"I see, this has been about me the whole time. You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne, you'd better bring a powerful ass. Oh, and for your information, I don't have an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape." - Jeff Winger

Quotes for the Week #71

"You bowl like your mama... unless, of course, she bowls well, in which case, you bowl nothing like her." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"Dealing drugs? That's impossible... He, he doesn't have the math skills." - Marge Simpson

Quotes for the Week #70

"Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention: altar chimps (...) You see, chimps and humans share 96% of their DNA, but, crucially not the four percent that is sexually attractive to priests. I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate, and in the unlikely attempt or an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off." - John Hodgman

"Kyle, this is the way the world works. If you want to find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first." - Eric Cartman

"I believe Senator Kyl is citing the landmark case; Payback v. Bitch." - Stephen Colbert

"Now folks, I mean you really cannot blame the Republicans here, the list of people Obama is considering reads like the lineup at a lesbian, lentil, muffin, co-op, open mic poetry slam." - Stephen Colbert

Quote for the Week #69

"Hey France, this is John Oliver. I'm confused again. Is it your geese you force feed while having sex with your mistresses, or is it your mistresses you force feed while you have sex with your geese?" - John Oliver

Quotes for the Week #68

"I'm no stranger to the art of japery. At Princeton, I was in a secret society and, I shouldn't tell you this, but one time, we snuck up to Dartmouth, put their mascot in a box and sent it to Mexico City. We didn't know until the next day that 'it' was an actual Indian. He didn't speak a word of English, like all Dartmouth men." - Jack Donaghey

"That doesn't really describe it. You're more of a 'fun vampire' because you don't suck blood... you just suck." - Troy Barnes