"Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention: altar chimps (...) You see, chimps and humans share 96% of their DNA, but, crucially not the four percent that is sexually attractive to priests. I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate, and in the unlikely attempt or an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off." - John Hodgman
"Kyle, this is the way the world works. If you want to find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first." - Eric Cartman
"I believe Senator Kyl is citing the landmark case; Payback v. Bitch." - Stephen Colbert
"Now folks, I mean you really cannot blame the Republicans here, the list of people Obama is considering reads like the lineup at a lesbian, lentil, muffin, co-op, open mic poetry slam." - Stephen Colbert
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