Quotes for the Week #24

"We're gonna build a new settlement. We'll have a happy new life and we'll have equal rights for all - expect blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims... um everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white white, so no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England and Scotland, but only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhh, America." - Peter Griffin

"There used to be this huge speed bump in the center of town. It was insane, so I decided I wanted to do something about it and I got it lowered two inches. Apparently what I can achieve in government can literally be measured." - Mark Brendanawicz

"Not you, not some stupid piece of paper can stop me from being Wrenchy Bench. Alright. You're going to have to pry that costume from my dead, cold, slightly overweight body. Hahaha, screw you, Brandon." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"Well I'm going to fix this. I'm going to get Kenneth his money back, and for you, I'm going to hit Gavin Volure harder than a bottle of whiskey at an Irish wake." - Jack Donaghey

Quotes for the Week #23

"Now I know what the founders of Phillip Morris felt like. You just want give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you're just some terrible monster." - Michael Scott

"By the way, is it bad when your urine comes out carbonated?" - Stephen Colbert

"Tony Danza has begun work on a new A&E series in which he will spend a year teaching 10th grade English at a New York City school. The network has already begun preparing a spin-off series in which a group of students repeat 10th grade English." - Seth Meyers

"If we were part of the team that confirms string theory we could drink for free in any bar in any college town with a university that has a strong science program." - Rajesh Koothrappali

Quotes for the Week #22

"Ha, ha, ha, yeah. That's a good little trick, really spooky, I'm so scared. Too bad it's pointless. You can stand there staring at me all night, turn into a big acid drooling monster. I don't care. Cause quality sleep, little lady, comes first, twelve hours a night, five hours a day." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"Dinner's almost ready. I'm doing one of Rachel Ray's thirty minute meals, but I'm saving ten minutes by not being all fake and smiley." - Francine Smith

"I love bachelor parties and I am about to throw a bachelor party that's gonna slap all other bachelor parties in the face with its private parts." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki

"Well, as a child, I had a prized pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day, I picked up on of her piglets. She went crazy. She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels." - Kenneth Parcell

"I enjoy government functions like getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toed boot. But this hotel always serves bacon wrapped shrimp That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I'd go to a banquet for those Somali pirates if they served bacon wrapped shrimp." - Ron Swanson

"Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey, Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies, America has laughed enough." - Barney Stinson

"Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family, when a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down. Then his mood level will drop... until he pees himself." - Liz Lemon

Quotes for the Week #21

"Steve look at those kids, they're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere. I mean with your actual legs, not by pressing 'X'." - Roger

"We may not be winners, but we can be spoilers. History is filled with losers who've never won anything themselves, but who ruin the success of others: Ralph Nader, Judas, that kid who pulled scissors on me at the rock, paper, scissors tournament last year, stabbed me bad in the parking lot, ruined my concentration for the whole tourney. Anyway, if we beat Smith's team, it won't save our season, but it will spoil theirs. What do you say? Let's go out there and spoil!" - Roger

"Molina is one of those guys that it would take all day for him to run out of sight." - Ryan Lefebvre

"I wonder some times what he's doing right now. You know, like, what does a gamer do in real life without his computer? Would he start raiding tombs like Lara Croft? He used to watch her run for hours." - Ahmad

"Don't be dissing settings, bro. Settings are why people kiss under the Eiffel Tower and not the Paris Baguette. It's the reason Shakespeare set so many of his plays in Italy. Do you think sparks are going to fly if it's 'The Two Gentlemen of Detroit'?" - Trevor Pierce