"Ha, ha, ha, yeah. That's a good little trick, really spooky, I'm so scared. Too bad it's pointless. You can stand there staring at me all night, turn into a big acid drooling monster. I don't care. Cause quality sleep, little lady, comes first, twelve hours a night, five hours a day." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki
"Dinner's almost ready. I'm doing one of Rachel Ray's thirty minute meals, but I'm saving ten minutes by not being all fake and smiley." - Francine Smith
"I love bachelor parties and I am about to throw a bachelor party that's gonna slap all other bachelor parties in the face with its private parts." - Bert "Sock" Wysocki
"Well, as a child, I had a prized pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day, I picked up on of her piglets. She went crazy. She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels." - Kenneth Parcell
"I enjoy government functions like getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toed boot. But this hotel always serves bacon wrapped shrimp That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I'd go to a banquet for those Somali pirates if they served bacon wrapped shrimp." - Ron Swanson
"Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey, Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let's not hit too many homers. Hey, Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies, America has laughed enough." - Barney Stinson
"Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family, when a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down. Then his mood level will drop... until he pees himself." - Liz Lemon
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