Today I did something I never would have ever thought I would do in my lifetime (had I been asked six months ago) - I signed my divorce papers. You might think that there would be some emotion involved in this, either sadness at the finality of the marriage, or relief that the process is finally finished, but I don't think that I really feel anything. I've already dealt with everything and paperwork just doesn't mean much of anything at this point. I'm glad that the process is nearly complete (the court date is in one month, which I don't have to attend, meaning my responsibilities have ended), but why should there be any emotion tied to signing a document? The marriage has been over for months in my mind.
To tie this back into yesterday's post about music, I tend to listen to certain bands depending on my moods. When I first realized that I was going to have to leave the marriage, I listened to Coheed and Cambria a lot... A LOT. The song "Welcome Home" from Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV, Volume I: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness, was probably played multiple times during my daily commute. The lyrics really echoed what I was feeling at the time:
"You could've been all I wanted
But you weren't honest
Now get in the ground"
- Coheed and Cambria from "Welcome Home"
That's obviously just an excerpt but the full lyrics can be found by following the link above. I, obviously, would never act on the literal expressions found in the lyrics, but figuratively, they are dead on accurate. I had known and liked this track long before it meant anything to me. I would be willing to bet that Coheed's songwriter has gone through a similar experience in his lifetime, especially for me to identify so well with that particular song. At that time I was very angry, which has long since subsided, and I can safely say that track has not been played during my commute in months. I'm not angry, sad, remorseful or even upset any more. It's over, I've moved on and I'm not looking back.