Monday, January 14, 2008

Anatomy of an Eat-Off: Part I

Today will begin a two part entry detailing the second of many couple competition related postings (see Throwdown: 1978 vs 1979). The first competition revolved around birth year superiority and was a beat-down proportion, landslide victory for Megan. The second competition, undocumented to this point, was a good old-fashioned cook-off. I will provide further details regarding the cook-off in a future post, but, despite an impressive personal effort, I was again forced to admit defeat.

While reeling from two resounding losses, I was hoping to find something that could (potentially) grant myself better odds at victory. One night, at a local pub, Megan made a comment about having the capability of eating large quantities of food. Despite the cocky twinkle in her eye, her frail (nearly waifish) physique drew me to the conclusion that this just might be my opportunity to reassert some form of dominance in some category... any category (please?). While I have trimmed down to a weight not visited since early high school, my graduate school days were spent exercising my gastric system to possibly inhuman capabilities. In other words, I can still put it down, I just choose not to. I liked my chances, so I smoothly suggested the next competition in what will become a (likely) life-time long series of battles.

The challenge was accepted (with the only appropriate phrase to accept a challenge - "It's on bitch!") with the date and venue to be determined at a later time. Saturday provided the appropriate conditions. We had eaten an early dinner the night before, neither had eaten breakfast that morning and we had about three hours before the early NFL playoff game was to begin. The rules were determined on the way to the now-determined venue (Chili's). The competition would consist of three rounds* (see the note below for the reasoning behind the selection of the term "rounds"): the appetizer round, the main course round and the dessert round - which must consist of some form of ice cream. After each round is completed a victor is declared before the next round is to begin.

We hit an early snag when we arrived at our venue (camera crews and hundreds of fans in multiple city block caravan formation behind us) only to find that the Chili's had closed some time ago and was now a vacant building. And so, the search began for an alternate setting. Very little time had passed when Megan asked "what's Red Robin?". I slammed on my brake and made a hard left across four lanes of traffic - "It's where we're going" I replied. Had I known there was a Red Robin there, it would have been my selection of venue to begin with.

The competition had been defined, the venue selected, the time was appropriate. "It's on bitch". It's on bitch... indeed.

Check back for Part II tomorrow!

* We debated the use of "rounds" and "stages" as the appropriate descriptor. Stages - as in the Tour de France, as in a grueling competition that can be won with the mentality of longevity over sheer force. Or, rounds - as in boxing, where the beginning of each round signifies a period of knock-down, drag-out competition that can leave one or both competitors bruised and/or broken. We finally decided on "rounds" because the Tour de France is gay.


kilax said...

Hmmm, this doesn't sound that challenging so far...

Bro said...

The Tour de France is gay. If you had called them stages, I would expect you to be having a salad eating contest...oh wait...

Anyway, Red Robin is the ultimate eating championship venue. I hope you tested thier so-called "bottomless steak fries." I have never made it past basket number 1.

If your rounds started with onion rings and ended with ice cream, I feel sorry for both of you (if you remained in each other's company that evening).

Gina said...

noooooooo....don't leave me in suspense...

Megan said...

I am including our legal contract in this comment so you can see that you are in fact in violation of the terms of our binding contract (see clause #3) and that this eatoff was fraudulent, thereby stripping you of your only victory.

This Agreement is entered into on this 11th day of 2008, by and between Andrew "The Lebanese Dream" Skaff, an individual, and Megan "MoHotShit" Florance, an individual.
In consideration of the mutual promises set forth hereunder, the sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, Andrew "The Lebanese Dream" Skaff and Megan "MoHotShit" Florance agree to the following:
(Clause 1)Each party is promising to engage in gastric horror, up to and not excluding esophageal tears and hemorrhages, intestinal damage and stomach explosion. (Clause 2)Each party shall consume as much foodstuff as is humanly possible. (Clause 3)This eatout shall take place heretoforth as agreed by each party no earlier than 24 hours after the spoken words "It's on, bitch!"
This agreement may be terminated as follows: This agreement shall be terminated only by one or both party's death from gluttony.
Time shall be of the essence in the performance of this Agreement.
If any part of this Agreement is held unenforceable for any reason, the remaining portion of this Agreement shall remain in full force and effect, and shall be carried out in a manner which is consistent with the intentions of the parties hereto.
If any legal action or proceeding, including any arbitration of disputes, arising out of, or relating to, this General Contract is brought by either party, the prevailing party as determined by the Court or Arbitrator, shall be entitled to receive from the non-prevailing party, in addition to any other relief that may be granted, reasonable attorney's fees, costs and expenses incurred in the action or proceeding by the prevailing party.
This General Contract is entered into on this 11th day of January, 2008, in the City of Kansas City, the County of Jackson, State of Missouri.

Andrew Skaff said...

kilax - are you saying that you could take me in an eat-off?

bro - you like the concept of me in a salad eating contest, don't you? It's not going to happen, veggies are for those that can't handle real food.
You and I are definitely on the same page about Red Robin as the venue... check back for Part II: It's On Bitch, you will marvel at your own foresight.

gina - The post would have been so freakin' long, I had to break it. You're going to be checking back for the conclusion though, aren't you? I call that a success.

megan - I'll deal with you later. I smell an Epilogue to the Anatomy of an Eat-Off post entitled Part III: Fall-out.

kilax said...

The Lebanese Dream? Riiiiiiiiiight... ha ha ha

Yes, I could take you in an eat-off. But I don't eat meat, so I am not sure how that would work.