Monday, January 14, 2008

Anatomy of an Eat-Off: Part II - It's On Bitch!

Note: For ultimate viewing pleasure, please allow yourself to absorb all that is contained within Anatomy of an Eat-Off: Part I before continuing with this post.

And so, the competition began. Please note that what takes place in the following post is exactly how I remember it - meaning it is precisely as it occurred. Embellishment is not in my nature.

The lights dimmed in the Red Robin restaurant and the PA announcer's voice boomed out the introductions over the loudspeaker.

"Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, to the hundreds in attendance and the millions watching worldwide - today's contest is scheduled for three rounds of grueling torture. Allow me to introduce to you today's contenders for superiority in the field of eating.

"In one corner - standing in at 6'3" and 225 pounds, he is the Marshalltown Mauler, Andrew "The Lebanese Dream" Skaff.

"In the other corner - standing in at 5'11" and 87 pounds, she is the WyCo Waif, Megan "MoHotShit" Florance.

"Let's get ready to rumble!"

Round 1: The Appetizer
The appropriate appetizer selection for this competition seemed completely obvious to me - the tower of onion rings. They are ideal for two reasons: 1) they are extremely heavy, the winner of Round 1, could, if not careful, destroy his/her chances of even continuing on in the competition by eating too fast, or eating more than necessary, 2) the winner will be clearly defined because there are exactly 13 onion rings in the tower - devour exactly seven rings and the round is yours. There is an additional strategy with the tower. The rings at the top are smaller and they get larger as they approach the bottom. If you eat quickly early, you might be able to sneak in an extra small ring before having to tackle the large rings near the bottom. But pacing can also be virtuous, as the human stomach can handle only so much grease before problems can occur.

Megan "MoHotShit" Florance started off strong and managed to keep pace early in the round. Eventually, the pressure became too much for her tiny frame to handle, and she then turned to psychological warfare. "You have only eaten three rings, you are behind," she claimed. The Lebanese Dream had done his homework and was aware of the tactics the Siren-esque WyCo Waif might attempt in an effort to squash the hopes and dreams of her larger competitor. Shrugging off the verbal barrage, Skaff rolled on to a Round 1 victory with the final score of 7-4. The remaining rings were left on the table as a reminder of defeat to Florance even after the server removed her tear-filled plate.

Skaff 1, Florance 0

Round 2: The Main Course
Red Robin provides the ideal venue for the eating competition because of this: there are a multitude of different sandwiches that are all of similar relative size and come with the so-called "endless" basket of steak fries. Therefore, if the main course with steak fry basket were to be completed by both competitors, additional orders fries could be continually delivered until a winner could be declared. In this round, both competitors made errors of judgment in the selection of sandwich. MoHotShit opted for the Bleu Ribbon Burger, which reeked of disgustingness, and The Marshalltown Mauler selected a fried chicken sandwich, which would add even more grease to his already nearly saturated stomach.
The competition became vocal as both competitors struggled. Dinner topics, which will be left undiscussed here (as they became increasingly lewd), stooped to all-time lows in attempts to force the other to stop devouring their meal. Eventually, Florance turned to even lower tactics by displaying a tomato covered in Blue Cheese dressing in an attempt to force a forfeiture. Skaff showed his disgust by dropping his sandwich into his basket. In what became the turning point of the event, Skaff rallied back and showed that his stomach is stronger than his brain and laughed in the face of Florance (while displaying a mouthful of partially masticated chicken), retrieved his sandwich and quickly completed his sandwich and remaining fries. Florance again wept into her basket still containing copious amounts of inedible "food" and was forced to admit defeat.

Skaff 2, Florance 0

Round 3: The Dessert
Although the lead in the competition was insurmountable and The Marshalltown Mauler was preparing for his coronation as World Champion, Round 3 was still fought... for the sake of competition. The Wyco Waif ordered a chocolate malt while Skaff chose a chocolate milkshake. Round 3 was rather uneventful (as the overall winner had already been determined), with the exception of Florance's oscillation between crying (at having been beaten so resoundingly) and moaning (due to the waves of nausea). The completion of the competition was not without controversy, however, with each competitor claiming to have finished more of their respective dessert. The ensuing shouting match was finally resolved by the official of the event measuring the remaining volume in each glass. In fact, the official declared the event a tie with both competitors being awarded a point for the round. Skaff was disgusted at the ruling, hoping to preserve the shutout to prove ultimate dominance in eating. Florance, who also was not happy with the result, began wildly gesticulating and claimed that Skaff had poured out straw-fulls of milkshake into a napkin which was then discarded. After a tense ten minutes of conferencing with other officials and examination of the replays, the official declared that the video evidence of the event was inconclusive and the tie ruling was upheld.

Final score: Skaff 3, Florance 1

The coronation began, the lights were dimmed, the spotlight illuminated the majestic Skaff as he gracefully made his way to the podium. Behind the podium was his bitter rival, Florance, who was forced to place the crown meticulously crafted from Red Robin balloons around the victorious, over-sized head of the Lebanese Dream. Skaff then celebrated his victory with a short speech, followed by a brief interpretive dance and then 45 minutes perched upon a throne of porcelain. The remainder of the day was spent in agonizing pain for both competitors. However, following the event, both competitors were quoted as saying "If the challenge were to be raised again in the future... I would have only one response - It's on bitch!"


Bro said...

You both suck. You left onion rings on the table? You didn't finish your main course? You didn't test their supposed "endless" basket of steak fries? What qualifications did you have to enter this eat-off? I would challenge both of you to an eat-off, but I think I would still be hungry when I was through humiliating you.

kilax said...


Gina said...

whew, I feel a lil queezy now.

I have to admit, I was hoping the WyCo Waif would pull out a stunning upset. I mean other than an upset stomach.

Andrew Skaff said...

bro - Maybe you didn't understand... Each round was an individual competition. I ate all the rings required for victory - completing MoHotShit's rings, could have hampered my ability to humiliate her later. The sandwich and fries portion of your comment needs only this reply: "retrieved his sandwich and quickly completed his sandwich and remaining fries."
I left no food in the basket in Round 2. Why punish myself with additional baskets of fries if victory had already been achieved? The dessert round had literally, the only undrinkable remainder of the ice cream that was stuck to the glass. Neither of us had anything left in the glass (or the "refill" cup) after Round 3.

Finally, I was quoted as saying this only moments after completing my victory - "I could eat another meal that size right now." If you really want to challenge me, then you'd better add some weight to your own frail 106 (not a typo) pound frame and practice up by eating some real food. I guarantee that it will be you that will be sobbing uncontrollably into your food filled plate at the utter humiliation that you will suffer at my hand.

kilax - see comment to "bro".

Gina - I get no sympathy? I just needed a victory in something, anything. Being dealt loss after loss is pretty wearing on the psyche. Don't worry, the Waif will probably win the next series of competitions and I will continue to be emasculated.

kilax said...

So, it was not how much you could eat, but how fast you could eat?

Andrew Skaff said...

It was how much you can eat, speed was not judged, but could be advantageous in Round 1 and in Round 1 only. For the appetizer part, there are 13 rings, so if you eat 7, the other person can't "out-eat" you in that round. Why continue eating and jeopardize the future rounds by continuing to eat in a fight you've already won?

I didn't realize that this was that complicated. I'll bring pictures with me to Chicago when I challenge you face-to-face. Maybe a pop-up book.

Gina said...

Yea, you don't want to fill up on the fillers! It's all about the strategy.

Bro said...

Sounds like a case of someone being classified in the wrong weight I detect a scandal in the UEC (ultimate eating championship)?

Jim said...

I must admit that it took me entirely too long to read this posting. I had completed Part I and postponed reading Part II, thinking that the competition would be rather uneventful. Having seen the Dr. slim down in recent months, my faith in his abilities had diminished. Couple that with my having not met the Wyco Waif, I had assumed that this competition was being as over-dramatized as anything previewed on FOX News. I can safely say that after having dinner with the Waif and the Dr, my faith in their competitive nature was restored, thus forcing me to return to the tale. The contest was fair and amusing at the same time. Both contestants fought arduously, leaving nothing on the table (pun intended). It also warms my heart that low-handed, dirty pool tactics are still alive and well. However, I am disappointed that a 12-ish hour gap in time between meals only resulted in the small amount of consumption that took place. No second bowl of fries? Dr, you argue not needing to order the second bowl of fries as your victory was already known. My response to you is, why not order the second bowl? Let all who witness the competition speak of the event for generations to come and all will know the levels of gluttony that is required to challenge you. Had you continued the main course with additional steak fries and then added a "healthy" dessert, I would have been truly impressed. In the end, well fought on both sides.

One final comment: Isn't it odd that as the Dr. remembers things, Ring Announcer Michael Buffer is often making an appearance? Is it possible that the Dr. has developed a rather disturbing fascination with this individual that manifests itself in his daydreams? Only time will tell.