Note: For ultimate viewing pleasure, please allow yourself to absorb all that is contained within Anatomy of an Eat-Off: Part I before continuing with this post.
And so, the competition began. Please note that what takes place in the following post is exactly how I remember it - meaning it is precisely as it occurred. Embellishment is not in my nature.
The lights dimmed in the Red Robin restaurant and the PA announcer's voice boomed out the introductions over the loudspeaker.
"Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, to the hundreds in attendance and the millions watching worldwide - today's contest is scheduled for three rounds of grueling torture. Allow me to introduce to you today's contenders for superiority in the field of eating.
"In one corner - standing in at 6'3" and 225 pounds, he is the Marshalltown Mauler, Andrew "The Lebanese Dream" Skaff.
"In the other corner - standing in at 5'11" and 87 pounds, she is the WyCo Waif, Megan "MoHotShit" Florance.
"Let's get ready to rumble!"
Round 1: The Appetizer
The appropriate appetizer selection for this competition seemed completely obvious to me - the tower of onion rings. They are ideal for two reasons: 1) they are extremely heavy, the winner of Round 1, could, if not careful, destroy his/her chances of even continuing on in the competition by eating too fast, or eating more than necessary, 2) the winner will be clearly defined because there are exactly 13 onion rings in the tower - devour exactly seven rings and the round is yours. There is an additional strategy with the tower. The rings at the top are smaller and they get larger as they approach the bottom. If you eat quickly early, you might be able to sneak in an extra small ring before having to tackle the large rings near the bottom. But pacing can also be virtuous, as the human stomach can handle only so much grease before problems can occur.
Megan "MoHotShit" Florance started off strong and managed to keep pace early in the round. Eventually, the pressure became too much for her tiny frame to handle, and she then turned to psychological warfare. "You have only eaten three rings, you are behind," she claimed. The Lebanese Dream had done his homework and was aware of the tactics the Siren-esque WyCo Waif might attempt in an effort to squash the hopes and dreams of her larger competitor. Shrugging off the verbal barrage, Skaff rolled on to a Round 1 victory with the final score of 7-4. The remaining rings were left on the table as a reminder of defeat to Florance even after the server removed her tear-filled plate.
Skaff 1, Florance 0
Round 2: The Main Course
Red Robin provides the ideal venue for the eating competition because of this: there are a multitude of different sandwiches that are all of similar relative size and come with the so-called "endless" basket of steak fries. Therefore, if the main course with steak fry basket were to be completed by both competitors, additional orders fries could be continually delivered until a winner could be declared. In this round, both competitors made errors of judgment in the selection of sandwich. MoHotShit opted for the Bleu Ribbon Burger, which reeked of disgustingness, and The Marshalltown Mauler selected a fried chicken sandwich, which would add even more grease to his already nearly saturated stomach.
The competition became vocal as both competitors struggled. Dinner topics, which will be left undiscussed here (as they became increasingly lewd), stooped to all-time lows in attempts to force the other to stop devouring their meal. Eventually, Florance turned to even lower tactics by displaying a tomato covered in Blue Cheese dressing in an attempt to force a forfeiture. Skaff showed his disgust by dropping his sandwich into his basket. In what became the turning point of the event, Skaff rallied back and showed that his stomach is stronger than his brain and laughed in the face of Florance (while displaying a mouthful of partially masticated chicken), retrieved his sandwich and quickly completed his sandwich and remaining fries. Florance again wept into her basket still containing copious amounts of inedible "food" and was forced to admit defeat.
Skaff 2, Florance 0
Round 3: The Dessert
Although the lead in the competition was insurmountable and The Marshalltown Mauler was preparing for his coronation as World Champion, Round 3 was still fought... for the sake of competition. The Wyco Waif ordered a chocolate malt while Skaff chose a chocolate milkshake. Round 3 was rather uneventful (as the overall winner had already been determined), with the exception of Florance's oscillation between crying (at having been beaten so resoundingly) and moaning (due to the waves of nausea). The completion of the competition was not without controversy, however, with each competitor claiming to have finished more of their respective dessert. The ensuing shouting match was finally resolved by the official of the event measuring the remaining volume in each glass. In fact, the official declared the event a tie with both competitors being awarded a point for the round. Skaff was disgusted at the ruling, hoping to preserve the shutout to prove ultimate dominance in eating. Florance, who also was not happy with the result, began wildly gesticulating and claimed that Skaff had poured out straw-fulls of milkshake into a napkin which was then discarded. After a tense ten minutes of conferencing with other officials and examination of the replays, the official declared that the video evidence of the event was inconclusive and the tie ruling was upheld.
Final score: Skaff 3, Florance 1
The coronation began, the lights were dimmed, the spotlight illuminated the majestic Skaff as he gracefully made his way to the podium. Behind the podium was his bitter rival, Florance, who was forced to place the crown meticulously crafted from Red Robin balloons around the victorious, over-sized head of the Lebanese Dream. Skaff then celebrated his victory with a short speech, followed by a brief interpretive dance and then 45 minutes perched upon a throne of porcelain. The remainder of the day was spent in agonizing pain for both competitors. However, following the event, both competitors were quoted as saying "If the challenge were to be raised again in the future... I would have only one response - It's on bitch!"