"Honey, how about I lock you up on charges of aggravated dumb slut with no future." - Det. Ray Carling
"Good morning, OK, I think we should just get this out in the open. I saw you pluck your... special hair the other day. I was there. I saw. The question is... what are we going to do about it? I have an idea. Let me speak first. May I? Good. I believe that you should give me the hair because I've been scrapbooking the most disgusting things that I can think of and I want to put it on the page in between my decayed molars and my snug, which is a snail slug hybrid that I was able to splice together in my garage... unsuccessfully." - Janitor
"I have faith... in things I can see, and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. If you want to have an intellectual argument... fine, but I must warn you I went to Princeton." - Jack Donaghey
"How dare you say something like that so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, the patron saint of judgmental statues." - Elisa
"That you are the sweetest, prettiest, blindest girl I have ever met, and when I'm with you my heart jumps like a frog on July asphalt right before it dies." - Kenneth Parcell
"Bonnie, I'm here to induce birth. Follow me. Now, I'm gonna put the TV remote down by your feet and I'm gonna turn on Two and a Half Men. If your baby isn't totally brain dead, it'll come rushin' out to change the channel and when he does, I'll grab his hand and yank him outta there." - Peter Griffin
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