"If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes." - Malory Archer
"Why do I have to go to a French movie? I didn't do anything wrong." - Phil Dunphy
"While Claire watched one of the most highly-acclaimed films of the year, I sat through a badly made schlockfest with absolutely no redeeming value... and it was awesome!" - Phil Dunphy
"There's no proof she's being stalked by ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them, as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better." - Dr. James Wilson
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