Quotes for the Week #13

"Yes, quite so. As you can see I'm holding a big number two in my hands right now, enjoying the weight and feel of it." - Principal Skinner

"As we all know, these are hard times for conservatives, for Republicans. Just three years ago, they controlled the White House and both houses of Congress. Now... they control one-fifth of The View. Well, one-eighth if you go by mass." - Jon Stewart

"Twitter offers real time access to some of our most important leaders and newspeople's least important thoughts 140 characters at a time. It's no wonder young people love it, according to reports about young people by middle-aged people." - Samantha Bee

"I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves." - Jim Halpert

"I'm really not what you'd call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer, but that's only because I took the bar exam in Alaska, and they only have like four laws, and most of them are about when you can and cannot kill... seals. And if it seems like I'm uninterested, it's only because I have no idea why you would like me. I mean you are the most beautiful, perfect, ukulele player I have ever seen. I know that's not saying much because they're usually fat Hawaiians. But still, I think what I'm trying to say is - Stephanie, I would love to go and have coffee with you." - Ted Buckland

"The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to insurance giant AIG. According to AIG officials, $15 billion will be used to build the world's largest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." - Seth Meyers

"What's this, it looks like 'Til Death' has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands. Dear God, I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so unfathomably ugly and heart-rending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the descriptive powers. Oh, wait a minute, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh no! Dear God, he's going back. Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you they are signing frantically, just as fast as their little fingers can shake the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror." - Racetrack Announcer