Quotes for the Week #86

"These are the truths we live by... you can't respect anyone with a French accent, and there is no such thing as upper class mexican food." - Steven

"Only those who risk going to far, find out how far they can go." - Dr. Walter Bishop

"I don't choose my mentees lightly. They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time, the intelligence to understand the challenges they are going to face, the humility to accept my help, and finally, a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. Drive, intelligence, humility, chaos, or the acronym DIHC. I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm gonna take it wherever I can find it." - Jack Donhagey

Quotes for the Week #85

"Moose Drool is delicious." - Chelsea Waller

"Hmmm... I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence." - Leela

Quotes for the Week #84

"Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing returns with space poop." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"And folks the system is clearly working. As Retired General Robert Vines says, quote 'because it lacks a synchronizing process... we consequently can't effectively assess whether it is making us more safe', which means it's making us more safe. You see, if our enemies infiltrate our spy networks, they, like us, will have no f#cking idea what is going on. So, I'm calling on Congress to make our intelligence system even larger, with a new agency to monitor our existing agencies, the National Central Homeland Surveillance Bureau of Intelligence Agencies Agency, the NCHSBIAA, or Enchisbiaah, whose great seal features an eagle looking up its own ass." - Stephen Colbert

"The next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was, if something were to ever happen to me... how sad I'd be, you know?" - George 'Gob' Bluth II

"Suck my dick, if I had one. I have to pee." - Lori D.

Quotes for the Week #83

"United we stand, divided... go f#ck yourself." - Stephen Colbert



Normally, there would just be quotes from this, but the entire segment was worth quoting...

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Quotes for the Week #82

"Yeah, that's what separates us from the monkeys. That and the armed guards at the zoo. Damn, they've got some sexy monkeys down there." - Glen Quagmire

"I once dated a guy who loved the independence of living on his own, chugging from the carton in the middle of the night. He said the isolation was a trade off he could live with. I thought I'd hit the mother load... Then he told me he was going to clown camp." Marshall Mary Shannon

Quotes for the Week #81

In response to "I'm not above selling my body." by Zac "Z-Rex" Swanson from Quotes for the Week #79 : "Too bad most people are above buying it." - Kasra "Dr. X" Ramyar

"I am never moving out of my parents' house again." - "Dainty" Bridget Bier$mith

"Mexicans are ethnics?" - Zac "Z-Rex" Swanson

"I think I'm failing psychopharmacology... I thought it was a class about crazy farm animals, ok?" - Troy Barnes

Quotes for the Week #80

"No, soccer is some swarthy Dutchman rolling around on the field pretending to have a near-fatal stubbed toe." - John Hodgman

"Americans live sports at which they are the best... like basketball and diabetes." - John Hodgman

Quotes for the Week #79

"I am not above selling my body." - Zac "Z-Rex" Swanson

"Clearly, I'm a fucking charmer." - Zac "Z-Rex" Swanson

Quotes for the Week #78

"Like birth control. You know, I'm always going to be there for you 99.9 percent of the time." - Chad Ochocinco

"I don't even know how to do this single thing. I end up talking to 21 year olds all the time because they're pretty, and then I talk to them and it's like torture. Talking to a 21 year old is like talking to baby except babies don't have dumb ideas yet." - Tommy Johnagin

"Supercalifragilisticexpiali-suckit, England!" - Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Quote for the Week #77

"Why would you spend that much money to look nice when you can just get trashed and dress up like a turtle?" - "Dainty" Bridget Biersmith

Quotes for the Week #76

"Yes, in 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope of the resultant device be bitchin'." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory, which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing. The math would suggest that in a few I'm a clown made of candy but I don't dance." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

Quotes for the Week #75

"Now, you listen to me, Mr. Grand High Poobah of Upper Buttcrack, I'm just about half-past give a shit with your fun and games." - Delores Claiborne

"I insist that all women who have hysterics in my drawing room call me by my Christian name." - Vera Donovan

"Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray." - Francine Smith

"I don't know, I figure people are entitled to their hobbies and I'm entitled to think those people are creepy." - Raylan Givens

Quotes for the Week #74

"I'm no good for you right now, Steve. You are so frustrating. I'm gonna go down to Sea World and punch a dolphin in the face." - Francine Smith

"Potassium bromate? This supermarket is trying to kill us. You, potassium bromate, do you know what that is? It is known to induce renal cell tumors, mesotheliomas of the peritoneum. You know what you're putting into our bodies? Death. Delicious strawberry flavored death." - Dr. Walter Bishop

"You know how you feel like when it's Christmas Eve and you want to just go to sleep so you can wake up and open your presents? I just want to go to sleep so I can wake up and open his face." - Quinton "Rampage" Jackson

"I don't really like to say I hate people. Hate is such a strong word. But, I dislike that mother f*cker." - "Sugar" Rashad Evans

Quotes for the Week #73

"If you want people to put the best face on something, why would you get two people who have probably never cut the face off of anything in their lives?" - Dwight Schrute

"April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen/barbarians away from Swanson Castle, instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face." - Ron Swanson

"So, you know about Paul's act? How do you think we met? Paul won a Jenna Maroney impersonator contest of which I finished fourth." - Jenna Maroney

Quotes for the Week #72

"Why would a lady get divorced at fifty? Stick it out. Men die first, then you have two wonderful years, then you die." - Liz Lemon

"If God were edible, not that I'm Catholic, but if it was cool to eat God, he'd be a chicken finger." - Troy Barnes

"I see, this has been about me the whole time. You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne, you'd better bring a powerful ass. Oh, and for your information, I don't have an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape." - Jeff Winger

Quotes for the Week #71

"You bowl like your mama... unless, of course, she bowls well, in which case, you bowl nothing like her." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"Dealing drugs? That's impossible... He, he doesn't have the math skills." - Marge Simpson

Quotes for the Week #70

"Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention: altar chimps (...) You see, chimps and humans share 96% of their DNA, but, crucially not the four percent that is sexually attractive to priests. I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate, and in the unlikely attempt or an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off." - John Hodgman

"Kyle, this is the way the world works. If you want to find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first." - Eric Cartman

"I believe Senator Kyl is citing the landmark case; Payback v. Bitch." - Stephen Colbert

"Now folks, I mean you really cannot blame the Republicans here, the list of people Obama is considering reads like the lineup at a lesbian, lentil, muffin, co-op, open mic poetry slam." - Stephen Colbert

Quote for the Week #69

"Hey France, this is John Oliver. I'm confused again. Is it your geese you force feed while having sex with your mistresses, or is it your mistresses you force feed while you have sex with your geese?" - John Oliver

Quotes for the Week #68

"I'm no stranger to the art of japery. At Princeton, I was in a secret society and, I shouldn't tell you this, but one time, we snuck up to Dartmouth, put their mascot in a box and sent it to Mexico City. We didn't know until the next day that 'it' was an actual Indian. He didn't speak a word of English, like all Dartmouth men." - Jack Donaghey

"That doesn't really describe it. You're more of a 'fun vampire' because you don't suck blood... you just suck." - Troy Barnes

Quotes for the Week #67

"Oh, right, because you walked into Stripper's Discount Warehouse and said 'help me showcase my intellect'." - Sterling Archer

"To be a spy, you need physical fitness, a facility with languages, a tolerance for exotic foods and the bugs that come with them. But ultimately, there's no greater qualification than the ability to look someone who ruined your life in the eye and say 'let's work together'." - Michael Westin

"A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a fridge starts in a box and then moves to a house." - Demetri Martin

Quotes for the Week #66

"Whenever I'm sick, it goes away within a few hours. Except once when I was in the hospital from age three to six." - Erin Hannon

"Do you realize if I married a non-Jew, I couldn't go to Rabbinical School? I can go if I'm gay and my lover is Jewish. I can go if I'm single, but I'm not eligible if I marry a beautiful shiksa with blond silky pubes waxed into the shape of a Shamrock." - Andy Botwin

Quotes for the Week #65

"If you read my blog, you know I'm a Pilates freak... and by Pilates, I mean waffles." - Zach Galifianakis

"Folks, you know I love animals. They're an important part of my favorite sandwiches." - Stephen Colbert

"Every man has a weakness. His, he'll eat a yard of his own shit, before he'll look bad in public." - Jake Green

Quote for the Week #64

"Having sex with another man is less gay than Irish line dancing." - Dr. Kasra "Kas" Ramyar

Quotes for the Week #63

"OK, here's what I'm going to do. Tomorrow morning, you'll be served breakfast in bed, like a queen... or a quadriplegic." - Stan Smith

What's Jaegermeister? - "Um, well, you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and the guys start kissing her. Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation." - Phil Dunphy

Quotes for the Week #62

"What? I can be violent. I scratch." - Bridget "Killa" Biersmith

"When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch and now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch." - Abed

"I'm impressed, Raj. Those are cogent and reasonable conditions. I reject them all." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

"That kid's gonna be a star. He's a young 'the Asian guy' from Lost." - Abed

"I am taking myself out of the equation entirely. I scheduled a root canal for February 14th, Jack. I will spend half the day in twilight sleep, then I will go home and watch the Lifetime Original Movie, My Step Son is My Cyber Husband." - Liz Lemon

Quotes for the Week #61

"It's like a retarded version of Asperger's." - Dr. Kasra "Kas" Ramyar

"This is actually a cause I can relate to. A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, who was bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods... but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun." - Veronica Palmer

Quotes for the Week #60

"It's hard to keep bridges burned, especially when they keep sending their contractors over onto my shit." - Bobbie "Killa B" Burgee

"I just use my tail to plug my other butt hole." - Bobbie "Killa B" Burgee

"Ah, I love teenage girls. It's all ahead of them, you know. They haven't turned into bitches yet." - Brian Griffin

How to Report the News

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Quotes for the Week #59

"Why do it mediocre, if you can do it badass?" - Bobbie "Killa B" Burgee

"If my ears are going to be raped, I'm going to be drunk when it happens." - Matt "Nemesis" Kinney

"I think he gained fifteen pounds of douche." - Dr. Andrew Skaff

"Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994." - Tom Haverford

"See, when you open new doors there is a price to pay. Now, imagine tonight, you look under your bed, and lo and behold, you find a monster and you are immediately eaten. Now, if you hadn't looked for the monster, you wouldn't have found him. You'd still be happy in your beds, instead of being slowly digested in the stomach sac of the creature. But with any luck, your sisters or your brothers might have heard your screams and your endeavor will serve as a valuable lesson for them." - Dr. Walter Bishop

Downfall of the Democratic Party

This is more of The Daily Show's pure hilarity. It is not necessary to watch the entire clip, just start around the 4:45 mark. Aasif Mandvi is comedy gold. Gold!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
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Quotes for the Week #58

"A new study from Oxford University found that women who carry extra weight around the hips, buttocks and thighs, are at a lower risk for heart disease... probably because they can get so much cardio from constantly backing that thing up. The results were double-checked by some other brothers but they can't deny." - Seth Meyers

"I did this show on MTV once. And MTV is great, they let us do this show and let us make it awesome, however we wanted, and creatively they were so awesome and it was so cool. However, I gotta say some of the shows on the network are not really my cup of tea... mainly because I don't like huge pieces of shit in my tea." - Aziz Ansari

"See, it's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess, it's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurses office because, once again, they glued their balls to their thighs." - Jon Stewart

Quotes for the Week #57

"Heh, heh, heh. Oh Bart, you say that now but when you're grown up, you'll just think it." - Homer Simpson

"In his family the P is silent. I think they're Dutch. Sounds like their stupid handywork, with their cheeses and their giant propeller buildings." - Veronica Palmer

"So this is guilt, huh? In the past I've always just counteracted this feeling with other emotions like sugar or drunk." - Veronica Palmer

"You're so critical. No wonder I'm afraid to be alone with you. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, like 'you're so critical, no wonder I'm afraid to be alone with you'. Wait, am I dreaming?" - Phil Myman

Quotes for the Week #56

"The potential for a long lasting light bulb is enormous. In recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third right after hitting things and trying to have sex with them." - Ted

"Linda, listen to yourself. Those are just facts and facts are just opinions and opinions can be wrong. The only thing that is never wrong is confidence. No buts. I brought this upstairs and your failure will be my failure. You can do this, I know you can. Now get in there and run that meeting like a shark driving an assault vehicle through a herd of seals wearing chum pants." - Veronica

"I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles." - Phil

"Yes, and I do not believe a single word I am saying... for me. But for you, maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing under the surface. Maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond, you just get a turd with less direction in life." - Britta

Quotes for the Week #55

"And you have never once seen me wash my testicles either, but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday." - Charlie Kelly

"So, let me tell you a little lesson, buddy. The cream always rises to the top and I'm about to show the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy." - Charlie Kelly

"This must be how a baby lion feels... when its mom yells at a receptionist to get its medial records." - Phil

"Ugh, he takes the two worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules, and combines them. The whole thing was so confusing I ended up with my own crappy gift back... like I need two copies of 'Over Sixty Vixens'." - Frank Rossitano